- Old man in whorehouse: You see, Italy is a very poor, weak country and that is what makes us so strong, strong enough to survive this war and still be in existence, long after your country has been destroyed.
- Capt. Nately: What are you talking about? America is not going to be destroyed.
- Old man in whorehouse: Never?
- Capt. Nately: Well...
- Old man in whorehouse: Rome was destroyed. Greece was destroyed. Persia was destroyed. Spain was destroyed. All great countries are destroyed. Why not yours? How much longer do you think your country will last? Forever?
- Capt. Nately: Well, forever is a long time, I guess.
- Old man in whorehouse: Very long.
- Yossarian: Is Orr crazy?
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Of course he is. He has to be crazy to keep flying after all the close calls he's had.
- Yossarian: Why can't you ground him?
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: I can, but first he has to ask me.
- Yossarian: That's all he's gotta do to be grounded?
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: That's all.
- Yossarian: Then you can ground him?
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: No. Then I cannot ground him.
- Yossarian: Aah!
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: There's a CATCH?
- Yossarian: A catch?
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Sure. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat isn't really crazy, so I can't ground him.
- Yossarian: Ok, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy. And I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy anymore, and I have to keep flying.
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: You got it, that's Catch-22.
- Yossarian: Whoo... That's some catch, that Catch-22.
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: It's the best there is.
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: We're gonna come out of this war rich!
- Yossarian: You're gonna come out rich. We're gonna come out dead.
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Nately died a wealthy man, Yossarian. He had over sixty shares in the syndicate.
- Yossarian: What difference does that make? He's dead.
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then his family will get it.
- Yossarian: He didn't have time to have a family.
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then his parents will get it.
- Yossarian: They don't need it, they're rich.
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then they'll understand.
- Danby: Weather conditions have improved tremendously over the mainland, so you won't have any trouble at all seeing the target. Of course, we mustn't forget, that means that they won't have any trouble at all seeing you.
- Capt. Nately: Don't you have any principles?
- Old man in whorehouse: Of course not!
- Capt. Nately: No morality?
- Old man in whorehouse: I'm a very moral man, and Italy is a very moral country. That's why we will certainly come out on top again if we succeed in being defeated.
- Capt. Nately: You talk like a madman.
- Old man in whorehouse: But I live like a sane one. I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top. Now that he has been deposed, I am anti-fascist. When the Germans were here, I was fanatically pro-German. Now I'm fanatically pro-American. You'll find no more loyal partisan in all of Italy than myself.
- Capt. Nately: You're a shameful opportunist! What you don't understand is that it's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
- Old man in whorehouse: You have it backwards. It's better to live on your feet than to die on your knees. I know.
- Capt. Nately: How do you know?
- Old man in whorehouse: Because I am 107-years-old. How old are you?
- Capt. Nately: I'll be 20 in January.
- Old man in whorehouse: If you live.
- Maj. Major Major Major: Sergeant, from now on, I don't want anyone to come in and see me while I'm in my office. Is that clear?
- First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir. What do I say to people who want to come in and see you while you're in your office?
- Maj. Major Major Major: Tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.
- First Sgt. Towser: For how long?
- Maj. Major Major Major: Until I've left.
- First Sgt. Towser: And then what do I do with them?
- Maj. Major Major Major: I don't care.
- First Sgt. Towser: May I send people in to see you after you've left?
- Maj. Major Major Major: Yes.
- First Sgt. Towser: You won't be here then, will you?
- Maj. Major Major Major: No.
- First Sgt. Towser: I see, sir. Will that be all?
- Maj. Major Major Major: Also, Sergeant, I don't want you coming in while I'm in my office asking me if there's anything you can do for me. Is that clear?
- First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir. When should I come in your office and ask if there's anything I can do for you?
- Maj. Major Major Major: When I'm not there.
- First Sgt. Towser: What do I do then?
- Maj. Major Major Major: Whatever has to be done.
- First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir.
- General Dreedle: All right, at ease... there'll be no more moaning in this outfit... the next man who moans is going to be very sorry...
- Danby: Ohhhhhhh...
- General Dreedle: Who is this man?
- Colonel Cathcart: Major Danby, Sir.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: Danby... D-A-N-B-Y...
- General Dreedle: Take him out and shoot him.
- Colonel Cathcart: Sir?
- General Dreedle: I said take him out and shoot him... can't you hear?
- Colonel Cathcart: Take Major Danby out and shoot him...
- Maj. Major Major Major: Is something wrong?
- Chaplain Tappman: No, no. I... just thought I saw something.
- Maj. Major Major Major: A naked man in a tree?
- Chaplain Tappman: Yes, that's it.
- Danby: [looking through binoculars] That's just Yossarian.
- Yossarian: Those bastards are trying to kill me.
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: No one is trying to kill you sweetheart. Now eat your dessert like a good boy.
- Yossarian: Oh yeah? Then why are they shooting at me Milo?
- Dobbs: They're shooting at everyone Yossarian.
- Yossarian: And what difference does that make?
- Dobbs: Look Yossarian, suppose, I mean just suppose everyone thought the same way you do.
- Yossarian: Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different.
- Colonel Cathcart: [as the base is being bombed in an air raid] What are you doing, Yossarian! Get off the field!
- Colonel Cathcart: [Yossarian fires a Colt .45 at him, but it clicks, empty] I wanna' see you later. You're confined to the base. I won't forget this!
- Yossarian: I don't think the Air Force is gonna' forget about *this*!
- Colonel Cathcart: Don't be ridiculous! What's good for M&M Enterprises is good for the Air Force! We had to get rid of that cotton. The Germans promised to take it off our hands, if we ran this mission for them! It's all part of the deal!
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: [loud bomb explosion is heard] There goes the Officer's Club!
- Yossarian: [incredulous] You made a deal with the Germans to bomb our own base?
- Colonel Cathcart: A contract is a contract! That's what we're fighting for!
- Colonel Cathcart: You're a disgrace. I'd like to know how you got to be a Captain, anyway.
- Yossarian: You promoted me.
- Colonel Cathcart: That has got nothing to do with it.
- [last lines]
- [Yossarian leaps out of the hospital window, fleeing the base. Danby and Tappman watch from the window]
- Danby: Yossarian!
- Yossarian: I can do it, Danby!
- Chaplain Tappman: They'll catch you, they'll bring you back!
- Yossarian: I can do it!
- Danby: This is insane!
- Yossarian: I can do it!
- Chaplain Tappman: What about your clothes?
- Yossarian: They'll never recognize me without my uniform!
- Danby: You'll be on the run with no friends! You'll live in constant danger of betrayal!
- Yossarian: [laughs] I live that way now.
- Danby: Yossarian, for God's sake, hurry up!
- Yossarian: So long, Chaplain!
- Chaplain Tappman: How do you feel, Yossarian?
- Yossarian: Fine - except I'm scared to death.
- Danby: You'll have to keep on your toes every minute.
- Yossarian: I'll keep on my toes.
- Chaplain Tappman: You'll have to jump.
- Yossarian: I'll jump.
- Chaplain Tappman: Jump!
- [Yossarian jumps over a ditch and runs to the sea while inflating a life raft. He leaps into the sea, paddling furiously, and is gone]
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Yossarian, I want you to do something for me.
- [removes item from small bag]
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: I want to serve this to the men. Taste it and let me know what you think.
- [Yossarian takes a bite]
- Yossarian: What is it?
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Chocolate-covered cotton.
- Yossarian: What are you, crazy?
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: No good, huh?
- Yossarian: For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out!
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Is it really that bad?
- Yossarian: It's cotton!
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: They've got to learn to like it!
- Yossarian: Why?
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Look, I saw this great opportunity to corner the market in Egyptian cotton. How was I supposed to know there was going to be a glut? I've got a hundred warehouses stacked with the stuff all over the European theater. I can't get rid of a penny's worth. People eat cotton candy, don't they? Well this stuff is better - it's made out of real cotton.
- Yossarian: Milo, people can't eat cotton!
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: They've got to - it's for the Syndicate!
- Yossarian: It will make them sick! - why don't you try it yourself if you don't believe me?
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: I did - and it made me sick.
- [first lines]
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: [speaking to Yossarian] All you have to do is be our pal.
- Colonel Cathcart: Say nice things about us.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: Tell the folks at home what a good job we're doing. Take our offer Yossarian.
- Colonel Cathcart: Either that or a court-martial for desertion.
- 1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: As a matter of fact, Father, I know I can get my hands on an entire shipment of religious relics, blessed by the Pope himself. The Germans swiped them and put them on the open market. As I understand it, the stuff includes a wrist and collarbones of some of your top saints!
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: I only raped her once.
- Yossarian: You killed her.
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: Well, I had to do that after I raped her. I couldn't very well let her go around saying bad things about me, could I?
- Yossarian: Well, what the hell did you have to touch her at all for, you dumb bastard! Why didn't you get some girl off the streets?
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: Not me. I never paid for it in my life.
- Yossarian: Aarfy, are you insane? They're gonna throw you in jail. You just killed a girl. You threw her out the window. She's lying out there in the street!
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: She has no right to be there, you know. It's after curfew.
- Chaplain Tappman: I'm not here to judge you.
- Yossarian: What are you here for?
- Chaplain Tappman: I'm not too sure about that either.
- Yossarian: What would you do if you were me?
- Chaplain Tappman: I don't know. I mean, I'm not you.
- Yossarian: Imagine that you are me.
- Chaplain Tappman: That's hard. Sometimes I even have troubles imagining that I'm me.
- Chaplain Tappman: I don't know what you mean.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: You don't, huh? Well, then who does?
- Chaplain Tappman: I don't know, sir.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: You don't seem to know much about anything, do you, Father?
- Chaplain Tappman: No, sir.
- Chaplain Tappman: Indeed, you can see him, when - he isn't there. That is, he'll see you, all right, but only - in his office and only when he's not there. The other times, when he's in, he's not - there - to be seen. Except when he's out.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: Are you describing some mystical experience you've had?
- Chaplain Tappman: No, sir. It's just that there are some very peculiar things happening.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: You haven't had any ecstatic visions or anything like that have you?
- Chaplain Tappman: No, sir.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: Didn't see a burning bush, hear any voices, anything like that?
- Chaplain Tappman: No, sir. It wasn't anything quite so extraordinary.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: I hope not! I think we have to keep our supernatural episodes down to a minimum with a war to win and all that.
- Yossarian: Doc, I want you to ground me.
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Don't start that again.
- Yossarian: Doc, I don't want to fly any more.
- Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Why?
- Yossarian: It's dangerous.
- Danby: You've all been briefed on this morning's run, so I won't go over the details again. There's no sense naming names, since the enemy is probably listening, and there's no reason I can think of to tell him where we're going to strike.
- Dobbs: What son of a bitch do you hate then?
- Yossarian: What son of a bitch *is* here?
- Capt. Nately: You don't make any sense.
- Dobbs: You don't even know who you hate!
- Yossarian: My parachute.
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: What about it?
- Yossarian: It's gone!
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: Don't worry about it.
- Yossarian: What do you mean don't worry about it? What am I supposed to do if I have to bail out? Use my handkerchief?
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: That's the kind of humor in the face of adversity that keeps America strong.
- Colonel Cathcart: What's your name?
- Maj. Major Major Major: Major, sir.
- Colonel Cathcart: I didn't ask your rank, I asked your name.
- Maj. Major Major Major: No, sir. I'm a Captain. My name is Major. Captain Major.
- Colonel Cathcart: Just about as clear as mud, isn't it?
- Yossarian: Where in the hell's my parachute? Okay, all right, which one of you bastards stole my parachute? Hello! Hello, this is the bombardier here. We gotta turn back. Nately, we gotta turn back now. Nately! Do you hear me up there? We gotta turn back. Okay, we're gonna turn back now. Nately, let's turn back.
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: Looks like they've seen us coming.
- Yossarian: They've seen us! Oh, God, they've seen us!
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: Better get ready to dump those eggs.
- Yossarian: They're shooting at me!
- Colonel Cathcart: We're going to need a new squadron commander.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: And you're the only Major available on our headquarters staff.
- Maj. Major Major Major: No, Major is my name, not my rank.
- Colonel Cathcart: That's close enough for me, Major. Consider yourself a Major, now.
- Maj. Major Major Major: Sir, I don't know anything about being a squadron commander.
- Colonel Cathcart: We all have to make sacrifices, Major.
- Maj. Major Major Major: Sir, I'm in Billeting and Laundry!
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: What would General Dreedle do?
- Colonel Cathcart: He'd crush him.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: Tear him apart.
- Colonel Cathcart: Smack him in the face.
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: Jab him in the kidneys.
- Colonel Cathcart: Kick 'em in the balls!
- Capt. Nately: I love her. I do! I really do. Honest to God, I've never felt anything like this before, not even for my Mom.
- Capt. Nately: Maybe it's some kind of strategy thing.
- Yossarian: What the hell are we doing?
- Capt. Nately: Yossarian, it's not our business to ask.
- Yossarian: Whose business is it?
- Yossarian: I want you to marry me.
- Luciana: You crazy.
- Yossarian: Why am I crazy?
- Luciana: You can't want to marry me.
- Yossarian: Why not?
- Luciana: Because, I'm not a virgin.
- Yossarian: What's that got to do with it?
- Luciana: Nobody wants to marry with a girl who's not a virgin.
- Yossarian: I do. I wanna marry you.
- Luciana: Not possible.
- Yossarian: Why not?
- Luciana: Because you're crazy.
- Yossarian: Why am I crazy?
- Luciana: Because you want to marry me.
- Yossarian: Wait. You won't marry me because I'm crazy and you say I'm crazy because I wanna marry you, right?
- Luciana: Right, SÌ
- Yossarian: You're crazy.
- Luciana: Why?
- Yossarian: Because I love you. Ti amo. Ti amo molto.
- Luciana: How can you love a girl who is not a virgin?
- Yossarian: Because I can't marry you.
- Luciana: Why you can't marry me? Just because I'm not a virgin?
- Yossarian: No, because you're crazy!
- Luciana: You're crazy!
- General Dreedle: Why isn't he wearing clothes?
- Lt. Col. Korn, XO: He's talking to you.
- Colonel Cathcart: Why isn't he wearing clothes, Major?
- Maj. Major Major Major: Why isn't he wearing *clothes*, Sergeant?
- First Sgt. Towser: A man was killed in his plane over Avignon last week and bled all over him. His clothes haven't come back from the laundry yet.
- General Dreedle: Where are his other uniforms?
- First Sgt. Towser: They're in the laundry, too, sir.
- General Dreedle: Where's his underwear?
- First Sgt. Towser: In the laundry, sir.
- General Dreedle: That sounds like a lot of crap to me.
- Yossarian: [standing naked] It is a lot of crap, sir.
- Colonel Cathcart: Sir, you have my word for it, this man will be *punished* severely.
- General Dreedle: What the hell do I care? If he wants to receive a medal without any clothes on, what the hell business is it of yours?
- Colonel Cathcart: My sentiments exactly, sir.
- Yossarian: Don't you realize what you've done? You've murdered a human being! They're gonna hang you!
- Capt. Aarfy Aardvark: I don't think they'll do that, not to good old Aarfy. I don't think they'd make such a fuss over one Italian girl when thousands of lives are being lost every day.