- Isolde Poole: I bought a dress at Bonwits. A lovely watermelon shantung.
- August 'Augie' Poole: Fine. Now you've got something fit to wear into Saks.
- August 'Augie' Poole: Maybe I'd better get a regular job, and forget about art.
- Isolde Poole: Never! Never to my dying day will I let you settle for anything less than you want to be.
- Isolde Poole: If Van Gogh had been married to a woman like you, he'd still have both his ears.
- August 'Augie' Poole: But dear, we can't keep living on your grandmother's money... it's not that I'm too honorable, but it's running out.
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Reading from the Real Estate section of the newspaper] Hey, listen to this: "Westport. Lovely old colonial manse. Recently renovated. With lovely gristmill and pond situated behind house in sun-drenched sylvan glen." That must be Bill Paxton's dump with the swamp in back.
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Last lines] Listen, honey, let's put this house on the market and move back to the city. The country's no place to bring up kids! Our kid's gonna' be born in Manhattan, in a normal, healthy atmosphere!
- Alice Pepper: [to her husband] You know, I miss the kids. I know camp's the best place for them, but I miss them terribly, don't you?
- Dick Pepper: [Casually unconcerned] Not a damn bit!
- Dick Pepper: [Expressing indignation over the fact that adoption agencies conduct background checks on prospective parents and their co-signers] Investigated? You mean they might be sneaking behind our backs without our knowing it?
- August 'Augie' Poole: Sure. They'll assign a caseworker to us. A woman with her hair spun back in a bun, and a mouth like a mail slot. Typical 'American Gothic.' And leave us ask ourselves, what virtues she'll expect to find in the prospective parents and, uh, their co-signers. First, uh, stability, then solvency, next, uh, sobriety... and finally... chastity.
- [Dick starts to look very uncomfortable upon hearing this]
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Unsuccessfully chasing a mouse] Wish I was back in the village, where the rats come out and fight.
- Estelle Novick: What school did you go to, Mr. Poole?
- August 'Augie' Poole: Oh, I never went past high school.
- Estelle Novick: How did you get along there?
- August 'Augie' Poole: Terrible. Everybody hated me because I was so popular.
- Dick Pepper: [Sound of his kids loudly playing can be heard in the background] Pipe down you kids, or I'll send the pack of you to boarding school!
- Alice Pepper: It wouldn't hurt you to play with your kids once in a while.
- Dick Pepper: [Indifferently] We have nothing in common. They bore me. Being a parent is just feeding the mouth that bites you.
- Isolde Poole: [the Peppers have thrown a small anniversary party for Augie and Isolde] Darling, isn't it nice having neighbors like the Peppers?
- August 'Augie' Poole: Oh, yeah, they bring such *useful* presents...
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Holding up a bottle of cheap Champagne the Peppers have brought over] "Piper-Heidsieck: the Miller High Life of Champagne!"
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Rebuffing Dick's offer to hire him as a gag writer] I'm an artist, not a gag man.
- Dick Pepper: You're like that plant. You need more elbow room, more dirt. A bigger jardinière. You'll never be an artist because you're denying yourself the emotional soil your roots need. You're pot-bound!
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Taken aback] "Pot-bound"? Why, you mixed up Luther Burbank! You just attacked me for being too normal! That's a perfect example of 'doublethink'!
- Dick Pepper: [Referring to his latest extramarital love interest] Ah, what a lovely thing. Just to look at her sends the blood coursing through my veins!
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Cynically] In contrast to the *usual* route it takes...
- Estelle Novick: I find most people drink to escape from something. What do you drink to escape from, Mr. Poole?
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Making silly face at her] The ravages of alcohol!
- Estelle Novick: How would you deal with a child who won't eat?
- August 'Augie' Poole: Send him to bed without any supper.
- Estelle Novick: And how would you compare the problem of raising children from one to five, with those from five to seven? Which do you think is the more important period?
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Somewhat tipsy, he whistles to himself for a few seconds while pondering her question] Five to seven.
- Estelle Novick: Why?
- August 'Augie' Poole: 'Cause that's the cocktail hour!
- [laughs at his attempt at humor, while Ms. Novick remains unimpressed]
- August 'Augie' Poole: Are you out for a world record? Can't you pass up one dame?
- Dick Pepper: I have never yet gone after a woman unless she sent out a certain signal, like radar.
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Glumly] I didn't notice any signal.
- Dick Pepper: Your extrasensory perceptions have been dulled by years of disuse. She lit up like that sign over Madison Square Garden: "Wrestling Tonight"!
- August 'Augie' Poole: Now, according to your logic, if I chase around with another woman, then I'll have a child with my own wife?
- Dick Pepper: Well, I can't guarantee it, but what can you lose? You're not getting anywhere *your* way.
- August 'Augie' Poole: You know, Miss Novick, uh, it's hard to think of you as a man of science.
- Estelle Novick: I run into that all the time.
- August 'Augie' Poole: I'll bet.
- Estelle Novick: Last year I was with a team of anthropologists, and we made a study of sexual patterns in New Guinea.
- August 'Augie' Poole: Yeah, I guess there's a lot of that going on there, too.
- August 'Augie' Poole: I feel relaxed with you. Uh, "released," you know what I mean?
- Estelle Novick: Yes, I think I do. It's what the poets call "the shock of recognition."
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Spotting Dick dancing with Gladys - a shapely young actress - at the party] I've seen that girl on television. She opens all those refrigerators.
- Isolde Poole: [With a bit of sarcasm] She sure is defrosting tonight.
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Handing Gladys her martini] Hope this is dry enough.
- Gladys Dunne, actress: [Taking a sip] What is this, a lethal weapon?
- August 'Augie' Poole: [Isolde has confronted him on the mysterious imbalance of 1000 dollars in their bank account] "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." Who was it said that?
- Isolde Poole: The cashier at the Westport Bank.
- Dick Pepper: You couldn't squeeze a thousand bucks out of me if you put me in a Waring mixer.
- August 'Augie' Poole: Give me your check and date it ahead.
- August 'Augie' Poole: If I gave you a check it would bounce from Westport to Port Arthur.
- Dick Pepper: Maybe it is best to come clean and tell her everything. Confession *is* good for the soul.
- August 'Augie' Poole: Only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff!
- August 'Augie' Poole: What happened to that free spirit I married?
- Isolde Poole: *You* happened to it!
- Isolde Poole: Another agency? But that wouldn't be fair to Rock-a-Bye!
- August 'Augie' Poole: Now, Isolde, don't go getting maternal feelings towards an agency - we'll take the first baby that pops up!
- Alice Pepper: [When Isolde suspects Augie may be their adopted baby's biological father] But you're not being fair - You're not giving Augie a chance!
- Isolde Poole: He had his chance - and he took it!
- August 'Augie' Poole: Oh, I, I was never cut out to lead a double life. I can't even have a single life.
- Dick Pepper: You go to the Bible for inspiration. Let me remind you of something. When Daniel got out of the lion's den, he didn't go back for his hat.
- Alice Pepper: Just remember, you're the host.
- Dick Pepper: Okay, okay. I promise not to enjoy myself.
- August 'Augie' Poole: [to Isolde] If Van Gogh had been married to a woman like you, he'd still have both his ears.
- Alice Pepper: It wouldn't hurt you to play with your children once in a while.
- Dick Pepper: We have nothing in common. They bore me. Being a parent is just feeding the mouth that bites you.