Gonks Go Beat

You have to be a real killjoy not to love this splendidly silly film, a kind of bubblegum version of Romeo and Juliet. However, the film is of some historical interest, featuring footage of the Graham Bond Organisation (urged on by a cane-wielding, mortar-board-donning Reginald Beckwith!). Musical numbers of widely varying merit are interspersed among the unfolding of a mind-bogglingly lightweight romance between a Beatland boy (sometime Joe Meek protege Ian Gregory) and a Balladisle girl, as seen from the viewpoint of a visiting alien (Kenneth Connor). Perhaps this studio-bound cheapathon was UK cinema's last unabashed quota-quickie. What a contrast with John Boorman's wintry, wistful "Catch Us If You Can" (made in the same year), and yet 60s-phobes (of whom there are regrettably many) are likely to bracket the films together as throwaway musicals!

Connoisseurs of dreadful movies cherish the memory of this British equivalent of "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", stuffed with acts whose plot opposition reflects the clash between post-Beatles rock and slushy romance in the mid-1960s charts. Yes, folks, for every Amen Corner there was an Engelbert Humperdinck, and for each "Hard Day's Night" there was a pop flick like this, with comedians mugging and strutting about the set to give the mums and dads something to laugh at. It should be explained that a gonk was a round, stuffed toy whose gormless features often gaped from the counterpanes of girls' bedrooms. In the catalogue of forgotten UK musical cash-in movies, this one ranks with "Just for Fun" and "The Cool Mikado".

Incredibly rare, mid-60's rock and roll sci-fi obscurity. So rare, most film books don't even LIST the title.

A recent screening of the sole surviving print at Hollywood's AMERICAN CINEMATEQUE, shows that the film is no great shakes, but worth seeking out for the completists.

GONKS tells the story of an Alien who comes to earth to settle a dispute between the two great nations of our future planet. One nation loves rock and roll, the other, ballads. The Alien befriends a bizarre former Record Exec (Mr. A & R) who looks suspiciously like Buddy Holly (if had he lived to join Elvis in Vegas!). The pair hatch a scheme to set up a Romeo and Juliet-like romance to bring the warring nations together.

It works, but not before a bunch of mediocre rock songs and warbled ballads are sung, cheap stage-bound sets are trampled and the audience's patience is worn thin. Meanwhile, on planet Gonk, a bunch of hand puppets runs amok. Gonks were furry toys popular in England at the time.

The biggest highlight is a thrilling 9 Drummer jam session (led by Ginger Baker and Alan White) held in a prison cell (don't ask). Otherwise, it's fairly dull with only a little schlock value.

CARRY ON regulars Kenneth Connor and Terry Scott co-star with Are You Being Served?''s Frank Norton as Mr. A & R. The recording artists include Lulu, The Nashville Teens and the Graham Bond Organization (which included Baker and Jack Bruce).

This is a totally weird 60s rock-n-roll musical send-up of Romeo and Juliet centering on two squabbling islands: Beatland and Ballad Isle. Intergalactic ambassador Wilco Roger is summoned to resolve the differences between the communities, employing the tactic of uniting a Beatland boy and a Ballad Isle girl; if he is unsuccessful he faces exile to Planet Gonk (inhabited by some strange doll-like creatures that apparently were based on a popular toy of the time). Despite the presence of Ginger Baker, Jack Bruce, Graham Bond and Lulu, the music here is nothing special. The music by the Beatlanders is typical of mid 60s rock rave-ups (watch for the lead singer/guitarist for The Long and the Short doing his best "Enzyte Bob" impression during their number "Love is a Funny Thing"!) , while the music favored by Ballad Isle consists of some of the sappiest ballads imaginable (the best way I could describe them would be to imagine the late 50s light pop group The Fleetwoods on Prozac). We're also treated to musical sequences featuring a band playing instrumental rock while driving down a deserted airstrip and a nine drummer prison jam session (neither of which serve much purpose other than padding the movie's run time) and a wacky "battle" sequence between both factions with musical instruments used as weapons. All this leads to the Golden Guitar contest pitting both islands against each other (which usually ends in a draw). Lulu's song "I'm the Only One" is pleasant but not exactly memorable, and The Nashville Teens' "Poor Boy" comes nowhere close to matching their hit "Tobacco Road". The bargain basement budget is readily apparent in the cheap set designs and the minimal special effects (watch for Wilco Roger ducking into the cloud of smoke as he makes his first entrance). If there was anything resembling a highlight here it would be the opening credits sequence featuring the Gonks grooving among construction paper/contact paper animation (to the song "Choc Ice", sung by Lulu with her voice altered almost to the point where she starts sounding like Cartman); it's pretty much all downhill after that.

I still have a copy of this film on VHS video, it came out sometime in the nineties as part of a series of British "musicals" including Tommy Steele and Billy Fury. I have seen it available at boot fairs and second hand record/video shops so i guess others were buying/watching at one time. This is the sort of film that can clear a house of unwanted guests leaving a hardcore of like minded (barking mad) friends to laugh themselves stupid (i know from experience) .it is that bad. like one of the other posters i think the drumming sequence is amazing but the lulu sequence with the "gay looking" backing singer clapping is hysterical "darling do try to look as butch as you can, while clapping your hands in the air, splendid!" as the other posters have noted the songs are not great the acting is awful and the story is virtually non existent so all together a truly awful film right! no! in the right mood and with friends of equal IQ (friday night IQ) its great fun. go and find a copy (somewhere in the UK) and watch. PS when i was at college i even tried persuading the film club to show this, but was turned down in favour of the french film Weekend-from the stupid to the bloody boring...