Racket Girls

There couldn't be more perfect MST3K fodder if Mike and the Bots directed it themselves. Lame and directionless plot, unapologetic and endless reuse of footage, molasses-in-January pacing, production values that would make Roger Corman wince, gratuitous sexuality from intensely unsexy women, ultra-doofy characters...oh yeah, and it's a SPECIAL INTEREST PICTURE ABOUT WOMEN'S WRESTLING IN THE FIFTIES.

Well, at least it starts that way. You will catch nary a glimpse of dull-witted, mammoth-chested "protagonist" (the movie doesn't really have one) wrestler Peaches in the closing act, as the screenplay (like a rambling, senile old man) has decided to focus its attention on the sleazy promoter and his downfall at the hands of a gangster scintillatingly named "Mr. Big." Thus, the film degenerates from campy fiftiesdom into grade-Z noir.

I bestow upon this picture the greatest of all honors--a 1 out of 10. Plenty of schlocky black-and-white pictures get compared to the illustrious Ed Wood's work--this is the rare one that actually merits the comparison. It's pure gold.

And there you have it, in one of the choicer remarks from the MST3K version, one of their proudest moments. (God, I miss them.) A bad movie that opens up the possibilities of bad movie-making to other bad movie makers, featuring large-breasted but decidedly unsexy female wrestlers stranded amid a ridiculous sports-crime milieu. Timothy Farrell, the lead, was in fact a member of Wood's stock company, and his performance is actually one of the movie's more professional -- though Muriel Gardner, as his hard-bitten secretary, actually manages to get something like a performance going, and Peaches Page, a real-life wrestler, at least seems like a nice lady. With stock footage, stock music, and even inept camera setups, it would be a laughfest even without the MST commentary, but their bon mots transform it into something special. As Crow opines during an endless scene of a large-breasted female wrestler throwing a ball over and over: "This movie is refreshingly itself."

You would think that although "Pin Down Girls" (aka "Racket Girls") would be a cheap exploitation film, it would have a lot of excitement and perhaps some sexy action. Well, this assumption would be 100% wrong, as the film is far from exciting and about sexy as watching your granny getting a sponge bath!

The film stars 'Peaches' Page (as more or less herself) and Timothy Farrell (an actor in such prestige pictures as Ed Wood's "Glen or Glenda" and "Jailbait"!). Peaches is a wrestler who comes to work for Mr. Scalli (Farrell)--not realizing he's a cheap crook who owes the mob big time. There really isn't much more to the plot than that. In fact, the plot, such as it is, only takes up a tiny portion of the film. Most of it consists of lady wrestling matches--very, very dull ones. The matches lack dialog or narration and there is no incidental music during these scenes. Instead, there are lots of sound effects which seem to be random and having nothing to do with wrestling! Also, if you are expecting lots of sexy ladies and hair pulling and the like, don't hold your breath! It mostly consists of unattractive ladies tossing each other about with absolutely no sense of showmanship or style. If this is what the sport looked like at the time, I can't see how it was one of the most popular shows on early television (which it was).

Aside from being very dull, the film is a technical mess. Too often, shots appeared random and irrelevant. The acting (when there was any) was pretty bad and the whole thing looks like an Ed Wood sort of picture--cheap, dull and non-professional. Sadly, this is a bad film but not an enjoyable bad film to watch. There is no spark or excitement to reward the viewer--just lots of nothing of any particular interest. Amazingly bland and stupid.

Man. What a terrible movie. Ugh. Even with the MST3K riffs. People who claim "Manos" is the worst movie ever really need to watch this. It is on par with "Starfighters" as the most boring episode, mixed with LONG sections of boring wrestling, mixed with butter-faced women and their attempt at what can only be described as retro-soft porn. Avoid at all costs. If you must watch make sure it is the Mystery Science version. I would watch "Manos" 20 times before watching this excrement again.

And 1951? With the "editing" and everything else in this movie, it feels like one of those early, silent, turn-of-the-century films. But those would defiantly be better.

Racket Girls: 2 out of 10: I want to talk about Bridget Jones for a minute. No not the fictional character portrayed by Renee Zellweger but the writer and occasional actress on MST3K.

Though she never got the recognition that fellow female comic Mary Jo Pehl received, she had some incredible star turns. While she is best known as that sociopathic Roman aristocrat with a touch of sex appeal Flavia as well as that singing dancing sensation Nuveena, Girl of the Future, it is in the MST3K version of Racket Girls that she reaches her thespian pinnacle. She plays Lisa Loeb. Who am I kidding she is Lisa Loeb. It is a highlight of a very good MST3K episode.

Alas, Bridget Jones is lost to us now. She married a temp by the name of Mike, bore him two sons, and is no doubt singing "Waiting for Wednesday" while toiling in the kitchen of the future.

Oh yeah the movie. Large woman wrestlers, who clearly block most blows with their face, deal with a sleazy promoter who is trying to fix the fights. Peaches Page is the lead rassler who has a pair of large... well peaches and a winning, if simpleton, personality. The other female wrestlers look like they run a prison laundry.

Plenty of shots of these women grappling each other interspersed with a winning performance by Ed Wood alumni Timothy Farrell. When an Ed Wood alumni gives the best performance that should be all she wrote.

The "Mystery Science Theater 3000" Racket Girls (Season 7, Episode 16): 9 out of 10: Really good riffing considering the challenging material. Moreover, it has gay robot marriage and Lisa Loeb. This is one of the better episodes for seasoned veterans of the series.