- Secret Service Agent Peters: [spying, from high up in a building] What's going on down there?
- Secret Service Agent Rogers: [looking through a camera, doing a Jimmy Stewart impression] Oh, well, well, it seems like, it looks like Todd told Murdock off, and he's leaving. Of course, I can't see so well from this Rear Window.
- Abby Parker: You told him to kiss me?
- Rick Todd: Lady, if I'd known he was going to kiss you, I wouldn't have sent a boy to do a man's job.
- Abby Parker: [slap] That's for the man. You can tell him the job's filled.
- Rick Todd: Well, what's the rush? I never met a lady cartoonist before.
- Abby Parker: [sarcastically] All lady cartoonists are extremely grateful.
- Bessie Sparrowbush: You know, numerology's a science. I take the numbers - the day, the month and the year that I was born. I add the day, the month and the year that Eugene was born, and that answer I divide with my street address. Then I add that to my social security number, and with that answer I divide with Eugene's social security number. Then I multiply that by the number of dancing lessons I take. And, the number of calories I eat in one day I subtract from that, and I multiply the whole thing by the time and that's the end of it.
- Abby Parker: How's it work out?
- Bessie Sparrowbush: Zero. Eugene again.
- Eugene Fullstack: No, I'm not cute. They wanted to have me drowned when I was born, but the SPCA stopped them.
- Eugene Fullstack: Those lovely lips, those red inviting, lucious lips - like two strips of liver gleaming in the moonlight!
- Mr. Murdock: You see that little window back there, boy?
- Eugene Fullstack: Yes, sir.
- Mr. Murdock: Open it a little, then jump.
- Mr. Murdock: Sixty-two pages of drawings and no blood? Not even an itsy-bitsy nosebleed? But suffering catfish, do you call this a Murdock Book for Kiddies with no stranglings, with no decapitations? Where are they?
- Abby Parker: I must have lost my head.
- Rick Todd: Real nice, Murdock. Very nice. Couple more issues and you and I will make 'em forget Hitler.
- Mr. Murdock: Now wait a minute. Don't get squeamish, Todd.
- Rick Todd: Know what I've decided to do, pal?
- Eugene Fullstack: Be pals with me?
- Rick Todd: Yeah, we'll be pallies.
- Rick Todd: A divorce is the only way out. We've been together - too long. Ever since we were tenderfeet in the kangaroo patrol. You can have the whole apartment. Full custody of the beans and the bat lady.
- Eugene Fullstack: I'm all set to make your dinner. How would you like your beans?
- Rick Todd: Preferably out of the can.
- Rick Todd: Every time I find a job, you lose it. Bat lady! You and your crummy comic books, that's all you ever think about!
- Eugene Fullstack: No, sometimes I think about girls, too.
- Rick Todd: I think about girls, too. That's about all. Just think about them. But, can I afford to take them out? No! You know, on account of you I'm going to be an old maid.
- Eugene Fullstack: Vincent is very aware that behind those inviting red lips, behind those purple boudoir eyes, and behind that cleaving cleavage, lies a diabolical soul... .
- Eugene Fullstack: [knock at the door] Oh, coming!
- Mrs. Muldoon: You better.
- Eugene Fullstack: [opens door] Oh, it's you Mrs. Muldoon.
- Mrs. Muldoon: It ain't Gina Lollobrigida.
- Eugene Fullstack: He tears her clothes and exposes her two big round shoulders. Vincent closes in on her.
- Abby Parker: I don't know how I let you talk me into moving here.
- Bessie Sparrowbush: Because it's Greenwich Village and it's romantic. Besides, my horoscope said this is where I'd meet my true love.
- Eugene Fullstack: This is serious, Rick. Honest! The bat lady scared me and I ran into the fat lady.
- Rick Todd: What bat lady? Fat lady? What are you? What are you crazy?
- Eugene Fullstack: No, I'm not crazy. This really happened. Let me explain. You see, upstairs is a bat lady. I ran the bat lady. She scared me. So, I ran downstairs to the fat lady. She scared me worse than bat lady. See?. I was running downstairs to tell you about the bat lady, but the bat lady caught me, the bat lady scares me. The fat lady was downstairs. I ran downstairs to tell you about the bat lady.
- Bessie Sparrowbush: He's not very handsome. But he is kind of cute. You know, the safe kind.
- Abby Parker: The safe kind? What's safe in pants?
- Eugene Fullstack: [as Bessie puckers her lips] What's wrong with your mouth? Is it sore?
- Bessie Sparrowbush: No. I just thought I felt a pucker comin' on.
- Rick Todd: Look, if you can pretend beans are T-bone steaks, you can pretend that she's the bat lady. She might fight you, but you remember you're going to do this for your ol' Kangaroo Patrol pal.
- Eugene Fullstack: Yeah! Pouches forever.
- Bessie Sparrowbush: It's happened! Tonight my moon is full and square to Jupiter, Uranus is square to Sagittarius, Mars is square to Venus. I saw him for the first time tonight. He's the one, my true love.
- Abby Parker: Oh, Bessie, no! That square's your true love?
- Bessie Sparrowbush: Will you watch my switchboard, please?
- Eugene Fullstack: I won't only watch your switchboard, I'll buzz your lights and tangle your plugs.
- Eugene Fullstack: [grabbing Bessie's behind] Come here, baby.
- Rick Todd: [to Abby] Look, I'm sorry he kissed you and he's sorry he kissed you. Aren't you, Eugene?
- Eugene Fullstack: No, I liked that a lot!
- Rick Todd: [stepping into an elevator] Going up?
- Abby Parker: Yes, down.
- Rick Todd: You might try sideways, then once around the park.
- Abby Parker: What do you think you're doing?
- Eugene Fullstack: Oh, I'm awfully sorry, ma'am. I thought you were someone else.
- Eugene Fullstack: [pointing to Rick] He told me to kiss you except you're not you. Are you?
- Rick Todd: Look, honey, you're an unemployed artist, and I'm an unemployed artist. What do you say we get together some time and rattle our palettes around?
- Abby Parker: Thank you for the escort. It's been dandy having somebody breathe down my neck for two hours.
- Rick Todd: Oh, well it's a dandy neck and I wouldn't mind going on overtime.
- Rick Todd: Models?
- Abby Parker: Yes, models. You understand, they're people who pose. I need one male and one female.
- Rick Todd: Well, now you can't beat that combination.
- Rick Todd: Miss Parker, aren't you breathin' a little heavy for just a kiss? You're not in condition, are you? What's the matter, all work and no playin' around?
- Abby Parker: I like being kissed. I love it! Under the mistletoe, in the dark, early in the morning, lunchtime, teatime, cocktail time, *anytime*, but I don't want to be kissed by you.
- Rick Todd: Hold it. Give me a chance. At least with the cocktails and mistletoe bit. I might grow on you.
- Rick Todd: [singing] I'm gonna rock it, 'Cause in my pocket,I got a load of green, I want to spread the word around, So you'll know what I mean, Boo-dle-oo, Boo-dle-oo...
- Mr. Murdock: I need crime, I need passion, and even romance, providing it's between your repulsive characters.
- Rick Todd: You know, you still look familiar.
- [Rick puts his arms around Abby]
- Abby Parker: And you still act familiar.
- Eugene Fullstack: I almost became a dope, reading comic books. I realized that is why I am now a little retarded.
- Eugene Fullstack: I am here to talk to the children and to the parents of the children, because if there weren't parents, there wouldn't be children, and vice-a-versa. What I mean is, that parents are necessary if you want children, and children are necessary if parents want them. if you know what I mean.