- Nellie Woods: Sorry I'm not what you were expecting.
- Elliott Morgan: What makes you think I'm expecting anybody?
- Nellie Woods: What makes me think that dogs like liver?
- Elliott Morgan: I don't get the analogy, but I expect it's very clever. It so happens that you're wrong; there's no one coming.
- Nellie Woods: You're right. She's gone out with her husband.
- Elliott Morgan: [feigning confusion] Uh... who has?
- Nellie Woods: The liver.
- Nellie Woods: [to Elliott] If you're lying, I'll kill you and go to the chair with a song on my lips.
- Rubber-legs Ryan: [referring to Hathaway] Hey, who does he think he is?
- Dean Hutchinson: An honest man, you big-muscled pinhead!
- Shelley Mason: [introducing himself to Julie] And I'm Shelley Mason, the most distinguished and hated critic in America. You may look, but you mustn't touch.
- Elliott Morgan: [to Shelley Mason] These are Professor and Mrs. Hathaway.
- Shelley Mason: Professor of what?
- John Hathaway: Psychology.
- Shelley Mason: I never use it, I live by instinct.
- John Hathaway: Obviously.
- [Shelley gives him a nod]
- Shelley Mason: [to Julie] At the moment it tells me that you're fascinated by me and want us to be alone.
- Julie Hathaway: You better switch to psychology.
- Shelley Mason: I adore difficult women. Come.
- John Hathaway: Go along with him, Julie. Might be fun.
- Julie Hathaway: Fun? For who?
- Shelley Mason: For me... and for you. A welcome relief from your husband.
- Julie Hathaway: I doubt it.
- [they start to walk away]
- Shelley Mason: I'm a dangerous and exciting man.
- Julie Hathaway: At your age?
- Elliott Morgan: [referring to Shelley Mason] Well, how did you make out with Tugboat Annie?
- Julie Hathaway: Oh, he said I was mentally backward and physically forward and he asked me to have tea with him alone tomorrow.
- John Hathaway: [to "Rubber-Legs" Ryan] Love is an emotion common to all forms of animal and some of vegetable life. Orchids, catfish, and left tackles all feel love.
- Elliott Morgan: [from behind a closed door] She locked me in here.
- Julie Hathaway: Maybe she knew what she was doing.
- Elliott Morgan: Lady, whoever you are, you sound like a woman with an understanding heart.
- Julie Hathaway: That's because I'm talking through a door.
- John Hathaway: Where did I ever get the beautiful idea of wanting to marry you?
- Julie Hathaway: When did you ever get the idea that you got the idea of wanting to marry me?
- Julie Hathaway: [as they enter Elliott Morgan's with a big party underway] I never dreamed there were this many famous writers in the world.
- John Hathaway: There aren't.
- Rubber-legs Ryan: [in the middle of his makeup oral exam] Oh, do we have to go and do some more? I've got a headache.
- John Hathaway: Did somebody kick ya in the head?
- Rubber-legs Ryan: Naw, I got it from thinkin'. Thinkin' always give me a headache.
- John Hathaway: That's from using muscles you've never used before. We'll continue.
- Rubber-legs Ryan: Well, the dean said if I got a headaches we could stop.
- John Hathaway: What made the Dean suspect you might get a headache?
- Rubber-legs Ryan: Suspect? It was his idea.
- John Hathaway: We're looking for Elliott Morgan.
- Freddie Bond: Don't! You won't like hm. I'm his lawyer and I ought a know.
- Freddie Bond: [to Julie, tipsily] How do you do, I'm Freddie Bond, and you're one of the loveliest sights I've ever seen.
- John Hathaway: I'm John Hathaway and this is my wife.
- Freddie Bond: You never told me you were married.
- Julie Hathaway: Well, that's silly. I've never seen you before in my life.
- Freddie Bond: [to Julie] I'm an incurable dipsomaniac. You could cure me, but you, you see how it is.
- Elliott Morgan: Say, you've been very smug about your wife.
- John Hathaway: You know, Julie might do you a lot of good.
- Elliott Morgan: Why?
- John Hathaway: A good, solid failure would help you, but, I, I think Julie might do more than that.
- Elliott Morgan: Are you prescribing your wife for me?
- John Hathaway: That's the general idea.
- Dean Hutchinson: It's about Crazy-legs Ryan.
- John Hathaway: Rubber-legs Ryan.
- Dean Hutchinson: I was thinking of Crazy-legs Bilbo, uh, our great end. I was sorry to see him graduate.
- John Hathaway: He didn't. He just played three years and moved on.
- Dean Hutchinson: Hathaway, the trustees of this college are, um, how shall I say, practical men. Their interest in Crazy-legs... uh, Rubber-legs, is not the pedagogical one that we have. Uh, eh, it seems that they are determined to beat Laurel College this Saturday and, uh, therefore...
- John Hathaway: Shall I just change his mark to a passing grade or must we go through the formality of a reexamination?
- Dean Hutchinson: Professor Hathaway! Changing his mark would be cheating. Uh, uh, just what type of examination were you planning to give him?
- John Hathaway: Mmm, I imagine something in one syllable, no writing, and short.
- Brighton: May I ask, sir, were you expecting company this evening?
- Elliott Morgan: Why? Most servants like an evening out occasionally.
- Brighton: Begging your pardon, sir, in my case I would welcome an occasional evening in. In fact sir, I'm all in from going out.
- Elliott Morgan: Well, then you won't have to go out tonight.
- Brighton: Thank you, sir.
- Elliott Morgan: I thought this was a come-as-you-are party. Why haven't you a telephone in each hand and a knife in your teeth?
- Nellie Woods: My knife is busy elsewhere: it's in your back.
- [both chuckle menacingly]
- Julie Hathaway: [fidgeting, not paying attention to Elliott, but watching John talking with Nellie] John's just fascinated by her - she does things to him. She excites him.
- Elliott Morgan: I'm... rather excited myself.
- Julie Hathaway: She's got something I haven't got at all - can't even get. As a matter of fact, I wonder what John sees in her.
- Elliott Morgan: I could explain if you'd only hold still a minute.
- Julie Hathaway: Uh, let's go in.
- Elliott Morgan: [following Julie inside after failing to win her over] No feathers, no powder, no dust, no nothing - a perfect brush off.
- Julie Hathaway: John, so help me, if you read me anything about the clear eyed woman of today who lives in that book...
- [Julie grabs the manuscript from John and throws it on the floor]
- John Hathaway: That book can help a lot of people live happier lives.
- Julie Hathaway: Maybe in time we won't even have to try to live happier lives. And they'll just sit around and read the book to each other.
- Elliott Morgan: The fireflies won't parade for John.
- Julie Hathaway: Maybe they will for Nellie.
- Elliott Morgan: Julie, you're inhibiting me.
- Julie Hathaway: Oh, I wouldn't inhibit you, even if I was sure what that meant. It's just that I'm not coming to your apartment tonight.
- Julie Hathaway: And let me tell you something else about that unforgivable crime called jealousy. I went out dancing with a man once and another man got fresh with me and the man I was with popped him right in the nose. And he didn't stop to think how long it had been since he had fought either, and maybe he wasn't intelligent but he was a man, and his name was Bob Jordan.
- John Hathaway: Who's Bob Jordan?
- Nellie Woods: And who wants to eliminate Jealousy?
- John Hathaway: Well, don't you?
- Nellie Woods: I love it. How could I know that I wanted a man if I didn't hate everybody else who wanted hm? W.. well, how could I be jealous if I couldn't be jealous?
- John Hathaway: Julie, grown-up intelligent men don't hit each other. In the first place, there are physical reasons. Only in the movies do men fight with the efficiency and stamina of heavyweight champions. In reality, Elliott and I are in no condition to fight. We haven't fought for years.
- Julie Hathaway: You exercise everything morning.
- John Hathaway: For health, not for fighting.
- John Hathaway: I'd gladly lay down my life for you, Julie - if it were necessary. However, hitting Elliott would not only be pointless, but it would be a violation of every principle that I have. It would be the most vicious expression of jealousy. You wouldn't want that, would you?
- Julie Hathaway: Yes, I would.
- John Hathaway: Besides, it wouldn't be fair to him.
- Julie Hathaway: I'm beginning to think I owe him an apology.
- Nellie Woods: You're a fugitive from a pair of carpet slippers. A common place domesticated guy that wants to take off his shoes, overeat his dinner, and curl up in front of his wife with a good book. I've been waiting for you to come out from behind that beard. But you won't. Well, I'm tired. I've been riding on that merry-go-round long enough and I'm dizzy. Little Nellie wants to get off.
- Elliott Morgan: What did you do that for?
- Julie Hathaway: To make him jealous. To test his love.
- Elliott Morgan: Get your clothes on - this is a private home, not a testing ground.
- Julie Hathaway: I can't think all the time. Your love is something I don't understand. It's got too many syllables for me, or something.
- Nellie Woods: Elliott, will you get out of that bathroom?
- Elliott Morgan: [yelling] Not till everybody calms down.
- John Hathaway: Nellie, don't you trust Elliott?
- Nellie Woods: Certainly not.
- John Hathaway: Well then, how can you marry a man you don't trust?
- Nellie Woods: I'd only marry a man I couldn't trust.
- Julie Hathaway: [the lights going out in a thunderstorm] What happened?
- Elliott Morgan: I have just fallen down stairs.
- Julie Hathaway: That was a silly thing to do.
- Elliott Morgan: I always fall down stairs. It's fun.
- Julie Hathaway: [knocking on Elliott's bedroom door] Elliott?
- Elliott Morgan: [from his bathroom] Whaddaya want?
- Julie Hathaway: Where'd you put the sugar?
- Elliott Morgan: Not in my bedroom. Get out!
- [Julie sniffles and sits down on his bed with her coffee cup on a tray]
- Elliott Morgan: What's that noise? Is there a dog in there?
- Julie Hathaway: No, it's just me.
- Elliott Morgan: Stop making noises. Get out of my bedroom.
- Julie Hathaway: I'm crying, you big ape.
- Elliott Morgan: Well, stop it!
- Julie Hathaway: [sobbing and taking a sip of coffee] Wait'll John gets here and we'll all have a good cry.
- John Hathaway: Where is your beard?
- Elliott Morgan: What?
- John Hathaway: What have you done with your beard?
- Elliott Morgan: My beard? Oh, I shaved it off.
- John Hathaway: Why?
- Elliott Morgan: I got burned.
- John Hathaway: Playing with fire no doubt.
- John Hathaway: You did it just to make me jealous.
- Julie Hathaway: That's right.
- John Hathaway: Then, why pick a man with a beard? You hate beards and you know I know it.
- Julie Hathaway: They knocked each other out.
- Nellie Woods: John always was a pretty blood thirsty proposition.
- Julie Hathaway: Oh, I don't know. I think that beardless wonder had it coming to him.
- Nellie Woods: Beardless men rather interest you, don't they, dearie?
- Julie Hathaway: Beardless men, perhaps. Elliott looks as if he's been peeled.
- Captain Makepeace Liveright: [watching John and Elliott making silly boxing moves] They ain't in very condition are they?
- Nellie Woods: Yeah, but think of the mileage you get out of 'em.
- Captain Makepeace Liveright: [seeing both John and Elliott unconscious on the ground] Do you suppose somebody sneaked in when we wasn't lookin' and hit 'em both?
- Julie Hathaway: Your love for me is made out of paper with printing on it. My love can't even read. So, what good are they together? You've got a great book, John, and a great system. But it's got no blood; it's got no heart.
- Julie Hathaway: Miss Woods is in love with Mr. Morgan.
- John Hathaway: What makes you think so?
- Julie Hathaway: I don't think so, I know so. I feel it.
- John Hathaway: You don't feel these things - you figure them out.
- Julie Hathaway: You figure them out. I feel 'em.
- John Hathaway: [about the unusually dressed men in the office] Who... wh... what were they?
- Morgan's Receptionist: Oh, those are five convicts that escaped from Devil's Island. They wrote a bestseller for us, and now they're trying to figure a way to get back on the island, so they can write a sequel.
- John Hathaway: Tell me, have you ever known a woman who trusted you?
- Elliott Morgan: Yes, my mother. She...
- Elliott Morgan: [as he stops in realizing his mother didn't] No, she never trusted me either.
- John Hathaway: Let's, uh, look at this rationally.
- Julie Hathaway: I don't want to be rational.
- John Hathaway: I know, you wanna throw coconuts.
- Nellie Woods: Show me a woman that's free and I'll show you a woman that sits home at night... alone.
- John Hathaway: Well, look, the very symbol of freedom is a woman. The Statue of Liberty.
- Nellie Woods: Yeah, and did you ever notice? She carries a torch!
- [Nellie quickly raises her arm imitating the Statue of Liberty]
- Elliott Morgan: You've a pretty low opinion of me, haven't you Nellie.
- Nellie Woods: Oddly enough, no. I formed my opinion of you a *long* time ago, before you had a phobia to hide in. I thought that you were one of the smartest, most ambitious young men I'd ever known... then you grew a beard.
- John Hathaway: Rubber-legs, without you in the game Saturday we'd have a hard time beating Laurel, wouldn't we?
- Rubber-legs Ryan: Huh? Are you kidding? Well, they'd tear down the stadium!
- John Hathaway: Then maybe they'd rebuild the library they tore down to build the stadium.
- Julie Hathaway: Remember about the coffee, John. Order it during the meat course so that when you get ready to drink it, it'll be cool enough. Also, you promised me about the dentist. And John, don't wear blue trousers with a brown coat. I know men don't care much about those things, but... women do.
- Julie Hathaway: Nellie, what's happened?
- Nellie Woods: John's run amok!
- Julie Hathaway: What about?
- Nellie Woods: Elliot's beard. It's off, and it's driven John crazy!
- Julie Hathaway: [smiling] He's jealous!
- Captain Makepeace Liveright: Comes from readin' too many books. They rot out a man's brain cells.
- Julie Hathaway: Oh, shut up. You sound just like my mother!