Si j'avais un million

Seven directors contributed eight episodes to this experimental film that explores how different people react to receiving 1 million dollars as a gift. The only things linking the episodes are the fact that the donor is the same person and that it is the same lawyer who delivers the checks. The result is in part dramatic and in part funny but altogether as disparate in style and quality as it is in content. Personally, I found the longer episodes (H. Bruce Humberstone's and William Seiter's) more enjoyable than the brief ones (e.g. Ernst Lubitsch's and James Cruze's). If watching a regular movie is a bit like reading a novel, watching 'If I Had a Million' is more like reading a collection of short stories where you arrive at the conclusion that you like some while others fail to impress you.

"If I Had a Million" (Paramount, 1932), directed by seven directors including Ernst Lubitsch and James Cruze, etc., is the first of it's kind released during the early sound era, an all star cast with eight separate stories. The central character is the supposedly dying John Glidden (Richard Bennett), an elderly millionaire, who would rather leave his fortune to various strangers whose names he picks with a medicine dropper from a telephone directory, than to his immediate relatives. The first name he picks happens to be John D. Rockefeller! (If this movie were to be remade today, it probably would be Bill Gates!) Turning the pages, he settles with the next name in line. The story to each beneficiary is told.

(1) Henry Peabody (Charles Ruggles), a nervous clerk in a china-ware store finds his paycheck is limited by him breaking all the china. He must also cope with his nagging wife (Mary Boland) who awaits at the door to get and spend his paycheck money. See the results when Henry receives his million dollar check by Glidden; (2) Violet Smith (Wynne Gibson), a waterfront prostitute, is given the check personally by Glidden in a bar, and after being convinced the check is "not a gag," she uses the money to sleep alone in a hotel. This short segment was sometimes the one that got the ax from local TV prints; (3) Eddie Jackson (George Raft), a check forger wanted by the police, receives the check from Glidden, but finds he can't cash it; (4) Emily LaRue (Alison Skipworth), and Rollo (WC Fields), a vaudevillian and juggler, are owners of a boardinghouse. They acquire a brand new car, and after a drive, they return with a car wrecked that was caused by a "road hog." After obtaining the million dollar check by Glidden, they purchase a fleet of cars and get even with the "road hogs," about town by having a car smashing day. Of all the episodes, this is the one most remembered, even long after the movie is over; (5) From the comedic standpoint comes a dramatic theme featuring John Wallace (Gene Raymond), a condemned murderer, who pleads innocent, getting the check shortly before he is to be executed in the electric chair. But can he use the money in time to get a new lawyer and trial? Frances Dee appears briefly as John's wife who visits him in prison. This segment is another one that was usually cut from TV prints. It's now restored; (6) Phineas Lambert (Charles Laughton), a meek little office clerk, gets his check by mail, and in his own special way, walks up a flight of stairs and goes through office door to office door to go tell his employer what he can do with his job. (Everyone's dream, I gather, then and now). This short segment, done mostly in mood and silence, is in many ways, priceless; (7) Steven Gallagher (Gary Cooper), a U.S. Marine in the brig, gets his check on April Fool's Day, and upon his release, decides to give it away to pay a back debt to a lunch stand owner. Although this is a so-so segment, the result is funny. Jack Oakie and Roscoe Karns add some comedy relief as Cooper's Marine buddies; (8) The most touching and longest segment is the last one with Mary Walker (May Robson), a forgotten grandmother couped up in the Idylwood Home for the Aged, who must tolerate unbearable rules and regulations by the unsympathetic supervisor (Blanche Frederici), until she gets her check from Glidden and gets her revenge.

Each story in "If I Had a Million" speaks for itself as to what ordinary people would do or want to do if they had that opportunity to have a million dollars. As in most episodic movies, some segments are good, others could be weak, and maybe one or two that could be best and the most talked about.

Frequently shown on commercial television back in the 1960s until the 1980s, with certain segments taken out to fit in the usual 90 minute time slot with added commercial breaks, "If I Had a Million," did resurface, much to the delight of classic movie fans, on Turner Classic Movies from July 2001 to May 2002. A video or DVD copy with complete story and segments can be purchased by going on the website of Movies Unlimited. (***)

IF I HAD A MILLION is one of those rare films worth having on tape. I was thrilled to find this back in the 1980's, and it's a prized item of my collection.

The plot is simple, but crazy. A dying billionaire, sick of his greedy relatives, decides to randomly give million dollar checks to strangers picked via the phone book. Since this is in the middle of the depression, the results are eye-popping!

My two favorite segments involve George Raft as a petty thief unable to cash the check because the law is after him. His downward spiral is rather chilling.

The other favorite segment, and the one this 1932 film is most famous for is the one where two eccentric ex-vaudevillians (W.C Fields and Alison Skipworth) decide to run selfish road-hogs off the road. Road rage has never been funnier than in this segment. Fields' angry comments to fellow drivers is a scream.

The rest of the segments run from sappy (a man going to the electric chair gets the check) to sweetly funny (The almost wordless segment with Charles Laughton, May Robson as a fiesty rest-home victim, and Gary Cooper as an out of control Marine) This film is worth a million!

This is one of those films that exists in a cinematic no-man's land, because it is in a legal copyright tangle. That is very unfortunate, because IF I HAD A MILLION is one of the finest of the early talkies. The story has a dying millionaire who doesn't want to see his fortune go to greedy relatives. Instead, he selects some names at random from the city directory and decides to give them each a million dollars. First, he gives the money to Charles Ruggles, a henpecked husband who is always having his salary deducted when he accidentally breaks china at the china shop that he works at. His nagging wife won't let him be. So, to get revenge, he takes his million to the store and breaks every piece of china in the place. Wynne Gibson as Violet is the next to get her million. She is a prostitute at a local bar, and she takes her money to rent a private hotel room for the night, to sleep alone. Gangster George Raft is unable to cash the check because he's been arrested for forgery. Next, three marines believe the check to be a fake and give it to a friend, who finds its true worth and spends it on himself. Convict Gene Raymond learns of his new-found fortune as he is being led to the electric chair. Office clerk Charles Laughton takes his money and tells off his boss. And in GRANDMA, kindly old May Robson uses the money to spruce up the old ladies home, Idyllwood. But the highlight is the W.C. Fields sequence, in which he, fed up with road hogs, buys a whole lot of used cars to use as an army against the oncoming traffic. All in all, IF I HAD A MILLION remains a true classic.

This is surely among Hollywood's first and most celebrated all-star compendiums, which also involved a plethora of equally notable writers and directors, but is best-remembered now for Ernst Lubitsch's contribution (it's actually the briefest episode of the lot!) and the hilarious W.C. Fields segment. The narrative revolves around wealthy but eccentric dying industrialist Richard Bennett (who's wonderful here, though his only other notable role was a brief dramatic turn in Orson Welles' THE MAGNIFICENT AMBERSONS [1942]) who, rather than leave his fortune to his "vulture" relatives and collaborators, decides to donate it indiscriminately by randomly choosing the names of eight strangers from the telephone book! Though it's stylishly handled all the way through, the episodes alternate jarringly between comedy, irony, melodrama and sentimentality – making the whole somewhat patchy.

Besides, a few of them are insubstantial (the Lubitsch/Charles Laughton and Stephen Roberts/Wynne Gibson segments, the latter as a prostitute who celebrates her freedom by sleeping in luxury and alone – making no secret of the girl's profession, who's later seen in her underwear and even removing her stockings, was only possible due to the relaxed censorship of the Pre-Code era) as well as repetitive (the immediate reaction of both Laughton and Charlie Ruggles, in a Norman Z. McLeod-directed episode where the star is typically flanked by the overbearing Mary Boland and which even incorporates a surreal nightmare sequence, on receiving the inheritance is to avenge themselves on their respective bosses). For that matter, Fields' segment (also helmed by McLeod) deals likewise with the sweet taste of revenge – as he and frequent sparring partner Alison Skipworth buy a number of cars simultaneously, after their brand-new vehicle has been destroyed by road-hogs, and spend the rest of the day giving irresponsible drivers they meet along the way a dose of their own medicine – but it's easily the highlight of the film.

The other episodes include: a prisoner on Death Row, Gene Raymond (directed by James Cruze), whose fortune arrives too late to change his fate; in a somewhat similar situation, the H. Bruce Humberstone-helmed segment has George Raft as a forger who, wanted by the Police, is understandably not given credit by any of his shady associates, even when he presents them with the $1 million figure – it does gain him lodging at a flop-house except that the owner, recognizing the forger from his photo in the papers, instantly turns Raft over to the proper authorities and obliviously uses the cheque to light his cigar! Again, a variation on this misuse of the money is the basis of the Gary Cooper episode (directed by William A. Seiter): he's one of three marines thrown in the stockade for unruly behavior – receiving Bennett's cheque on an April Fool's Day, he believes it all to be a mere prank, and uses it to buy himself and his pals a meal at a hamburger stand; after they all go out with the waitress there to a carnival and end up in another brawl, they're astonished the next day to see the girl and her employer living it up!

The concluding May Robson/Stephen Roberts segment – residing at a home for old ladies run by a female disciplinarian, she eventually utilizes the money to buy off the property and turn it into a recreation center (to which, ultimately, Bennett himself apparently retires!) – is among the longer episodes but also, obviously, the most sentimental. Norman Taurog, then, presumably directed the millionaire's scenes in his home and offices i.e. whenever he's not interacting with the other stars; it's unclear, however, what exactly constitutes Mendes' uncredited contribution. Unfortunately, the copy I acquired of this was rather fuzzy (after having longed for years to watch it); for what it's worth, the film is only currently available on R2 DVD, as part of a W.C. Fields collection: I didn't spring for the 10-Disc set for the simple reason that I already owned many of the titles included therein – though I'm still missing a few at this point