House Shark

According to Ron Bonk's comedy horror House Shark, herds of sharks used to roam the land in America until they were forced into the sea by hunters, although a few remained. It is one of these last land-dwelling sharks that terrorises homeowner Frank, forcing him out of his house to live in the garden. With the help of house shark expert Zachary (Michael Merchant) and drunken salty sea-dog Abraham (Wes Reid), Frank tries to kill the big fish.

House Shark is, as the title suggests, a dumb movie. No... scratch that. It's a very, very, VERY dumb movie, intentionally so. Unfortunately, Bonk's particular brand of comedy - goofball lunacy with lots of toilet humour - only occasionally hits the mark, with most of the gags floundering like a shark on a Chinese fishing boat. With the film running at nearly two hours long, the silliness gets really tedious, Abraham's drunken drawl proving particularly grating on the nerves.

The special effects range from the barely passable (I quite enjoyed the underwater scene in which things float on clearly visible wires) to the downright terrible (the shark itself looks like it's been made from chicken wire and papier-mâché). The film opens in promisingly trashy fashion with a naked woman pulled down a toilet by the shark, leaving a bloody mess in her wake, but the rest of the film is nudity free, with very little gore.

2.5/10, generously rounded up to 3 for the one line that actually made me laugh: "I don't know how many people died that day. 3....4... maybe none."

I enjoy poorly-done, low-budget, screwball movies for their sheer lunacy and entertainment value, but this one...Never before have I seen anything put on film that was this outlandishly ridiculous. Some jokes are funny, and Mr. Bonk thought he must have been playing a great prank on the audience. From the pitiful acting, to the obsession over certain body parts, and the ludicrous foam "house shark," there were literally no redeeming parts to this "film." I tried to enjoy ANY part of this cinematic treasure and I just couldn't. If you want to punish someone for almost two hours, ask them to watch "House Shark" with you.

When a woman is mauled to death by a monster on her throne in the ceramic salon, everyone writes it off as a bizarre plumbing accident-except for former Sheriff Frank, who knows better. He assembles the most pathetic Sharkbusters imaginable to put an end to the terror.

Well, if you haven't scrolled past by now, there's no helping you. Get ready for Indoor Jaws, so wild and unhinged, it absolutely has to be seen to be believed.

This film gets under our skin (and scales) with ultra-cheap "effects" like the couch-surfing shark, underwater scenes shot without water, and props dangling from strings. Topping it all off is the record-breaking overacting of the highest (or lowest?) caliber.

In House Shark, you'll get delicious recipes for single parents (like 1 Can of Grilled Beans), stellar taxidermy suggestions, and handy DIY life hacks for home protection.

The whole thing is seasoned with excessive amounts of slimy goo, pubic hair in all the wrong places, pee-based slapstick, and other gross-out delights. Awe-inspiring, the abuse our optic nerves and stomachs endure here-just not from shark attacks.

Sadly, the film only really picks up in the second half, but sticking with it pays off.

I had to pause this movie with about 12 minutes left til the end, and I honestly didn't think I could finish it. I purposely combed through the closing credits to see if there was an editor, because I didn't believe there was one. Surprise, surprise, writer/director Ron Bonk also edited his own movie. I would say, only he would leave in all the unnecessary dialogue, subplots that go nowhere, dead air, abandoned characters, and utter nonsense. House Shark runs nearly 2 hours! Is there a good movie in here somewhere? Probably not. I'm giving it 4 stars because on a few occasions, I either laughed out loud or said "that was pretty good." 3 laughs in 2 hours? It starts off promisingly enough, with full-frontal nudity and an outrageously gory shark attack. As a matter of fact, after a certain amount of time, I thought this movie hired exclusively slutty actresses. No way, the bulk of this film gives way to a sausage fest.

I understand this filmmaker wanted to populate his movie with OTT characters, to be as campy as possible. Problem is, they're *SO* OTT, I couldn't understand them half the time! My expectations were certainly dashed. From the title, the concept, the zero-budget creative nature, the exploitative nature, the indie nature, the front and back cover, and what you would normally expect from a film like this. So, it's possible I'm being unfair. But it did not deliver on any of those levels.

Beginning - 3/10

Ending - 4/10 (It was a lengthy epilogue, but I gave it a 4 because they defeated the shark in a comical, ridiculous way)

Acting - 3/10

Horror-Comedy - 5/10 (It was more towards comedy, or over-comedy)

Characters/Actors - 2/10

Overall - 3.4/10

It is entertaining to watch, even though it was ridiculous. The acting was horrible and the shark was not realistic. I still watched it through. Would I recommend it to anyone? No, but if you are up for a challenge to watch a weird, ridiculous film, then I would recommend this.

This fits more in the comedy category and not horror, or even horror-comedy.