Lonely Hearts

Did the makers of this film not have enough friends or something? What kind of dating show premise features only FIVE people,already clearly broken up into groups (the old man and the old woman together,the young people together). There was. A line that stated "you are the last two couples" as if they started out with more than FIVE PEOPLE!!! COMPLETELY unnecessary GRAPHIC sex scenes,making this movie more porno than horror. Blah scenery. Looks like it was shot in a clearing adjacent to a corn field. And the "game" was ridiculous. And the ending was convoluted, confusing, nonsensical trash. What was even the purpose of it all!?!? WHAT was really going on!?!? WHY was this happening!?! My favorite part was the "torture",because pouring wine on someone's body and rubbing a small jar candle on their chest is HORRIFIC!!! (insert THICK sarcasm here) and yes,masking tape does indeed hold bloody items immobile,seeing at it is pretty much the strongest tape you can buy........(insert that sarcasm again!!) Overall this movie was so stupid it would have been held back if it was a schoolchild. It's too late for me.... I can't unsee this. But you have a chance,and a choice. Save yourself!

Agreeing to participate in a dating show, a group of contestants arrive at a remote spot in the countryside and prepare for the festivities to come, but when they start to realize that something is off about the show they have to try to survive the experience and get away alive.

For the most part, this one wasn't all that bad. One of the strongest features found here is the general setup of the show that's supposedly being filmed here. Bringing everyone out to the countryside, where it's obvious what the intended couples are supposed to be from the start, with their promotional videos giving us a sense of who they are, and the various games they play for the competition give this a strong start. With the dating aspects creeping into the narrative and the couples starting to present themselves even better, the show itself becomes quite intriguing with what they have to do, especially with the cutaway to the producers watching and encouraging everything that happens here as it starts to become quite dark in tone and spirit. That's really the whole selling point of this one and really holds it up alongside the sleaze angle typically prominent in these genres. However, it does have several big flaws. The main issue is the absolute dearth of traditional horror elements present here that really makes it questionable what the scares are supposed to come from. The games being played here, from being forced to skinny-dip in freezing cold water for a better breakfast, a convoluted and unresolved clue-based hidden object search that just throws its unnecessary layer of padding into the game with switched couples and then a bizarre set of camping skill showpiece that again goes nowhere really doesn't signal any kind of genre devotion at all. Most are going to be out off by this due to the curious decision to go this route, especially with the finale twisting everything around and making for a series of admittedly brutal yet quite questionable antics that raise serious inquiries about what they're doing, what the whole purpose was and what point this all has in a satire of reality shows. These here being this one somewhat down.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, Full Nudity, and a sex scene.

This film is all you can expect given the budget and the quite niche indie horror subgenre. But even then, there are much better and more originals examples out there that display a better utilization of the limited budget at hand.

But I must really single out one actor in Lonely Hearts, or rather his extraordinarely big 'member', which clearly stands out: Chris Mills. His brave (exploitative) nude scene is one of the few silver linings in this film. In the past it has usually been female nudity that served as a gateway to attract a wider audience, in Lonely Hearts it is the focus on some truly terrific male nudity for a change which still makes this indie flick somewhat worthwhile. Great that we finally got to enjoy the female gaze when it comes to the nudity department.

Basically an excuse for some (attempted) titillating sex that uses horror trappings in an bid to disguise what it's actually concerned with. And it doesn't really perform well on any front (being either sexy or scary). The idea of utilizing a reality show as a setting for some horror shenanigans is solid enough, but there's just nothing to distinguish it from similar offerings, and it takes WAY too long for anything even remotely creepy to begin to transpire. The only real positive that can found here is Alice Mulholland, who is the performer that tries hardest to find a real character in the material.

Lonely Hearts (2019) simply never looks like something that would be broadcast on tv, unless we're talking on a late-night slot on Bravo in 2005. Shaky hand-held cameras and poor sound recording went out of vogue with Davina McColl's Streetmate, guys. It's not a deal-breaker by any means though, and a terrific campfire question-and-answer game in the last act more than makes up for it, where uncomfortable truths are revealed in a squirm-inducing fashion. There's an unsettling folk-horror vibe to some parts too, particularly a treasure hunt sequence. I just wish they'd used the countryside location more, to fully capitalise on it. The horror elements don't really come to the fore until the last few minutes, in an ending that isn't really earned and doesn't make much sense, but is fairly effective nonetheless. Up until that point, Lonely Hearts is more of a satirical erotic drama, which is a small, small genre indeed.