Lonely Hearts

There is a kernel of a good idea buried in Lonely Hearts, a sub-amateur film directed by Sam Mason Bell, about a mock-reality dating show where the producers have something more sinister in mind for the contestants. I like how frank it is with certain subject matter, but there is not a shred of common sense or logical thought to be found anywhere else. It looks like everything was made up as they went along, and then just turned into whatever they could out of it. More than half of this is unwatchable. Take two specific scenes and put them in Valentine, and Jamie Blanks' film would increase by at least a star.

Lonely Hearts (2019) simply never looks like something that would be broadcast on tv, unless we're talking on a late-night slot on Bravo in 2005. Shaky hand-held cameras and poor sound recording went out of vogue with Davina McColl's Streetmate, guys. It's not a deal-breaker by any means though, and a terrific campfire question-and-answer game in the last act more than makes up for it, where uncomfortable truths are revealed in a squirm-inducing fashion. There's an unsettling folk-horror vibe to some parts too, particularly a treasure hunt sequence. I just wish they'd used the countryside location more, to fully capitalise on it. The horror elements don't really come to the fore until the last few minutes, in an ending that isn't really earned and doesn't make much sense, but is fairly effective nonetheless. Up until that point, Lonely Hearts is more of a satirical erotic drama, which is a small, small genre indeed.

Agreeing to participate in a dating show, a group of contestants arrive at a remote spot in the countryside and prepare for the festivities to come, but when they start to realize that something is off about the show they have to try to survive the experience and get away alive.

For the most part, this one wasn't all that bad. One of the strongest features found here is the general setup of the show that's supposedly being filmed here. Bringing everyone out to the countryside, where it's obvious what the intended couples are supposed to be from the start, with their promotional videos giving us a sense of who they are, and the various games they play for the competition give this a strong start. With the dating aspects creeping into the narrative and the couples starting to present themselves even better, the show itself becomes quite intriguing with what they have to do, especially with the cutaway to the producers watching and encouraging everything that happens here as it starts to become quite dark in tone and spirit. That's really the whole selling point of this one and really holds it up alongside the sleaze angle typically prominent in these genres. However, it does have several big flaws. The main issue is the absolute dearth of traditional horror elements present here that really makes it questionable what the scares are supposed to come from. The games being played here, from being forced to skinny-dip in freezing cold water for a better breakfast, a convoluted and unresolved clue-based hidden object search that just throws its unnecessary layer of padding into the game with switched couples and then a bizarre set of camping skill showpiece that again goes nowhere really doesn't signal any kind of genre devotion at all. Most are going to be out off by this due to the curious decision to go this route, especially with the finale twisting everything around and making for a series of admittedly brutal yet quite questionable antics that raise serious inquiries about what they're doing, what the whole purpose was and what point this all has in a satire of reality shows. These here being this one somewhat down.

Rated Unrated/R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, Full Nudity, and a sex scene.

Fully uncertain of how to rate this because it takes turns into about four different genres before ending in a wildly different place than it existed for the majority of the film. I have to credit the film's ability to surprise.

I assumed form the first few minutes that it was a dark-edged satire of Bachelor-style dating shows, which it was. But it had some other things on its mind as well. Companionship versus sexual desire, the manipulation and abuse in reality TV, some commentary on religious belief. And it becomes what it ends up being so slowly that by the time it hits, you'd forgotten to expect it was coming. Perhaps not a great movie, but definitely an interesting one that was trying something different. Oh, and lots of dong in this movie. More dong than you generally get in most movies.

This film is all you can expect given the budget and the quite niche indie horror subgenre. But even then, there are much better and more originals examples out there that display a better utilization of the limited budget at hand.

But I must really single out one actor in Lonely Hearts, or rather his extraordinarely big 'member', which clearly stands out: Chris Mills. His brave (exploitative) nude scene is one of the few silver linings in this film. In the past it has usually been female nudity that served as a gateway to attract a wider audience, in Lonely Hearts it is the focus on some truly terrific male nudity for a change which still makes this indie flick somewhat worthwhile. Great that we finally got to enjoy the female gaze when it comes to the nudity department.