L'empire des requins

There are some TV movies that are good, there are some that are bad. Some are that bad they are good, and some are that good they shock and amaze. 2017's "Empire of the Sharks" is an amazing masterclass of moviemaking that delights and entertains... Hang on, I've been smoking crack again. I meant to say that this is a steaming pile of crapola.

Brief Plot: In a dystopian future where the Earth is underwater a bad guy is about to meet his match.

Detailed Plot: Ian Fien is a nasty SOB that controls a small floating island as a dangerous and menacing warlord. With the majority of the world submerged under water due to events of the past, in this future version of Earth resources are sparce. With his army of trained sharks Fien and his men capture Willow, a mysterious stranger that happens to be the daughter of a "shark caller". She might just be the only person that can inspire a rebellion to overthrow the evil warlords dominion and lead whats left of humanity into a safer future.

Film stuff: EOTS is written and Directed by Mark Atkin, who has plenty of TV Movie titles under his belt, including; "6-Headed Shark Attack" (2018), "Planet of the Sharks" (2016), and "Sand Sharks" (2012). Just to be clear - I've only named the shark based films Atkin's has directed recently, but in fact he has at least 25 titles under his best as director and almost as many as writer. Atkins also worked on the camera and did the editing (along with Marq Morrison. He didn't work on the music, this is by Heather Schmidt, but I'll be honest, when you are watching this film you won't pay attention to the music with how bad the film is. CGI... CGI? Let's just skip that because it looks like everyone else skipped it too. With a runtime that's around 85 minutes, this bad film will feel like it's dragging, even with a 15 rating to spice things up a little.

Cast: John Savage plays Ian Fien, Jack Tompkins is Timor, Ashley De Lange is Willow, Jonathan Pienaar is Mason Scrim.... I could keep going, but to be honest, nobody really stands out in the film. Even those amongst the acting cast who don't give a cheesy performance are hampered by the plot that's been done and recycled many times before and the lacklustre script which could have been written as a colege project by 16 year olds. How did John Savage, who was once in "The Deerhunter" (1978) find himself in this, it must have been some downward spiral for his career.

Wrap up: This super low budget creature feature film is a straight to TV movie which is produced by The Asylum - which explains an awful lot. It's actually a sort-of sequel to "Planet of the Sharks" (2016) which I generously gave 2 out of 10 when I previously reviewed that title, so you can imagine how much I was looking forward to this film - hint, I wasn't. Shark films have been done to death and this film really doesn't do itself any justice. In an attempt to combine "Jaws" (1975), "Waterworld" (1995) and "Mad Max" (1979), "Empire of the Sharks" instead pulls its own trousers down and curls out a massive steaming turd on-screen for those unlucky enough to catch it on TV. If the first film was abysmal - this is worse than dire. Instead of wasting money making trash like this, think of the good that could have been done if the production crew had of just donated money to charity or a worthwhile cause instead. Sorry - 1 out of 10. Not even that bad that it's good for a laugh.

It's just embarrassing. As an actor how would you feel watching this back? Lol, just awful.

It's a mix of Water World and Mad Max with a very light budget! Bad acting, terrible non-existent storyline.

This movie has 1 good shot, everything else is just bad enough that it goes beyond funny bad, just straight back to bad.

Waste of £6, but good if you want to Chuck something terrible on in the background whilst you do something.

Have made no secret in the past of intensely disliking, and even outright hating a lot, a vast majority of The Asylum's and SyFy's (near-universally maligned for good reason) output, though there is curiosity as to whether they are capable of making something good and compulsive about their output's badness. Admittedly, both The Asylum and SyFy do have a small group of watchable films and the occasional (big emphasis on that word) above average one, unfortunately outweighed by the lacklustre at best and often dreadful films they churn out.

Before anybody gets defensive, am well aware that films like 'Empire of the Sharks' are not ones to be taken seriously. Have seen my fair share of low-budget shark films, and any other kind of low-budget creature film, and will admit to finding some guilty fun in some of them (i.e. the first two 'Sharknado' films). There are far worse shark films, but is that an endorsement or saying much? Not really.

Take no pleasure in rating films low or leaving negative reviews. Actually always aim to be an encouraging and perceptive reviewer, and 1/10 ratings are extremely rare.

Sadly 'Empire of the Sharks' is just too amateurish to accept as a guilty pleasure, where nearly everything is just poor quality that it's insulting and there is nowhere near enough fun, intentional or unintentional, moments. Was not expecting anything intelligent here, am well versed now to know that it is not that kind of film, but it does feel like it was made by somebody who didn't know how to give a film brains, so much so that it'll make the viewer feel dumb and that is not a nice sensation to feel watching a film.

Cheapness and ridiculousness were taken to extremes here in 'Empire of the Sharks'. Some marginally intriguing, if very silly, ideas but comes off so far-fetchingly that it is impossible to take things for what they're intended to be let alone take them seriously. The whole shark-caller stuff was even sillier than it sounds.

Visually, even when knowing what to expect, 'Empire of the Sharks' still looks really cheap. Any nice scenery that the movie has is difficult to appreciate when the movie is shot in such a drab way and when it's edited so amateurishly that bacon-slicer-like editing looks more refined. Worst of all in this regard are the effects, as it was made on low-budget it would have been forgiven a little if it was not great, but when the effects for the sharks look as if no effort was given in making them without looking so goofy and unfinished-looking that is hard to ignore.

No better news about the sharks' personalities. Not menacing or fun, they're basically bland and for titular creatures they don't feature in the film anywhere near enough. The shark action is nothing to write home about, not enough of it and easily forgettable with no suspense or even unintentional humour.

Writing ranges between incredibly bad to appalling. Any comedy is incredibly forced and is so cheesy it is enough to make the eyes roll in disbelief, while the more serious moments are very awkwardly written and as trite as anybody can possibly go. To describe the story as weak is being too insulting to the word weak, it is a very lethargically paced and thin as ice story with lots of padding that is either badly written or serves no point at all to the movie, other than attempts at novelty value, which falls flat on its face because it all feels so tired. It is not fun, it is not scary and it is not thrilling or suspenseful, it's just nothing but tired stupidity, with silly ideas being ridiculous and muddled in execution.

As for the characters, they are a mix of bland and annoying. Particularly one of the hammiest villains in recent memory. The acting ranges from bored to over-compensating, Jonathan Pienaar is irritating beyond belief especially.

Summing up, awful. 1/10 Bethany Cox

This movie tries to combine Mad Max with Jaws and the end product is about what you expect when you see "shark" in a movie title these days. The only thing I liked was the setting, the various boats and mixes of technology made for an interesting setting. Everything else was absolutely awful. The acting was bad, even for a made for TV movie. The writing relied heavily on long over done clichés and tropes and the plot was rather uninteresting. As with all of the latest crop of this kind of film the sound design is overdone and distracting, potentially to make up for the awful writing. It makes the cheesy action scenes even harder to sit through. Overused bargain bin CG adds to the unbearable cringe that describes most of this movie. The main villain is beyond comical, the actor's performance combined with the writing makes his appearances on screen almost comical, but still somewhat painful.

In short, this movie is bad, not "so bad its good" but "Why did I waste 90 minutes of my life on this" bad.