Death of a Child

It's a different ending, I am very lucky in that way but I actually understand why these people forgot their children in a car. Because I forgot my daughter at dancing school for an entire day. When I was in my 20s, I was out on my own for the first time. I was working a full week of 45 to 53 hours a week on top of taking care of my 8 year old. My ex husband (her stepdad) and I weren't living together. And when he was around, he was very abusive. I was just TIRED. Mentally, physically, spiritually tired. I get a call on a Saturday and my daughter's dancing school says hey, we're closing in half an hour, can you come and pick up your daughter. I said wait she's not in her room? I went into her room, nope, she wasn't in there. I was supposed to pick her up several hours earlier. I didn't even realize I had left her there. It's just an exhaustion that, unless you live it, you can't understand it. I'm just lucky (is that the right word, I don't know) that it wasn't while she was younger and it wasn't in a car. Most people are afraid to talk about how tired we all are or how mentally unwell we are. And we don't want to admit we "forget" our children I made it a point after that dancing school incident and all of these news articles to triple check my car. I even used to call my then husband and ask where the kids are and had him double check me to make sure I brought them where they belonged and picked them up. I was always afraid I would leave my boys in the car. People say put your purse in the back seat, when you're that exhausted, you forget your purse. Some days I used to look down in a panic worried I didn't put on pants and I was outside without pants. There is an exhaustion so so so deep that only some of us understand. I feel so sorry for all of these parents that this was there outcome. Why them? Why these parents? Why these children? There are no real answers.

In this, the most connected age in human history, we have become incredibly disconnected from much of what makes us human. We click, scroll, and judge - with little information and less compassion. If you're comfortable in that space, don't watch this documentary.

"Death of a Child" deals with the guilt felt by parents responsible for the death of their children... because they forgot their children were in the car and left them there. I recall the flare of pure anger I have felt upon hearing of such deaths in the news. "How could they?" I thought... or, in the words of the memory expert featured "I assumed they were neglectful parents." Then he looked into it. His explanation (featured in two separate parts of the film) is sobering. While we may not appreciate how everyone handled the situation, or what they did or did not feel at any given part of their experience, the fact remains they are very real, very human and very brave. Many have already been sacrificed on the altar of public opinion, but agreed not only to dredge it all up again, but also to put themselves out there once more to help others. If you're willing to climb down from the judgement seat and open yourself to understanding, watch this documentary.

A note unrelated to the overall quality of the film: I would have given it an 8 or 9 except for the fact that they did not address in any way - not even one of those text notes before the credits - a glaring injustice among their group of parents. Of the three parents who spoke about being criminally charged and tried, only one is sitting in jail. What sets him apart is the color of his skin and his finances. He is a Latino immigrant mostly on his own and clearly among those with little or no financial resource. The white woman was acquitted, the white man was comforted by his judge and sentenced to community service. The brown guy was sentenced to 20 years and will be sent back to his country because he was convicted of a felony. Was it prejudice? Maybe, maybe not. I suspect, however, that he didn't have access to the $120,000 or so the white woman spent on her lawyer. He may not have been convicted because of the color of his skin, per se, but the color of his skin and his status as a poor immigrant left him short of the resources the two white parents clearly possessed to help plead their cases in court.

I understand that this is a whole other topic for another documentary... but I would have appreciated one of those pre-credit notes with some sort of update or even *gasp* a note that he cannot afford a private lawyer to press his appeal... after all, in America justice is mostly for the white and the wealthy and that's a shame.

God bless you Doug & Diana and the other couples who also shared their stories. May God use your message to teach and heal others.

No parent or caregiver wants to think they could accidentally harm or kill their child, but, as this film shows, even very caring parents can make a horrible mistake. The rest of us get lucky that we turn around just in time or hear something that alerts us to a potential problem.

I appreciate the frankness of these parents and how well they express themselves. My heart goes out to them.

I recommend the Washington Post article "Fatal Distraction: Forgetting a Child in the Backseat of a Car Is a Horrifying Mistake. Is It a Crime?" by Gene Weingarten. He rightly won a Pulitzer for the piece. He goes into more detail about some elements that got less time here. Some of it is tough reading, but I am grateful to have learned.

These parents allowing the world into thier hearts and minds... Before, during and after they accidentally end the lives of their own beautiful babies, may be brave but it is not what I want to hear. And it is definitely not entertainment.

However, what I'd love to hear is these babies sing or giggle. I'd love tovstand and holler when hearing their names called at thier graduation ceremonies. I'd love to hear, "Introducing the newlyweds Mr. & Mrs..." But we won't.

Because these parents ended their lives.

And they feel guily.

Oh.

I am a parent. I've had hard times. I've seen rock bottom. Still as a parent you have one SERIOUS responsibility.

It's not luck or lack of luck. It's not fortunate situations or unfortunate situations. It's not timing or other people or lack of education or money or the struggle or getting caught up.

Let's get real.

It's about people who are still willing to exploit their babies, instead of having some integrity and letting the other people who are suffering rest. And yet these parents are still the victim. This is the definition of actions speak louder than words.

If you are lucky to be alive.