Cats

Honestly I wish I was joking. Just everything was completely terrible. James Corden was cripplingly awful but that's nothing particularly surprising. Leaving the cinema I'd felt as if my soul had been sucked dry. Avoid at all cost.

In 25 years this film will have a weird cult following, and an aged James Franco will make a "meta" film about it. Until then, it will remain universally regarded as an utter shambles.

I'm not a praying man, but I was praying so hard for this movie to end. From the fist minute, I knew this movie was going to be a disaster. What a waste of talented actors.

There is a wall in my house. The wall is a simple wall, eight feet tall, and fifteen feet wide, it sits in a corner in the basement. It has been painted beige, with a few coats to cover up the bumps and scratches from coats before. It's got it's idiosyncrasies, the way the light jumps off the paint, the not so even drywalling underneath. Stare at it long enough, and it begins to speak to you - or at least allow you to speak to it. Maybe there's something to the wall - or maybe it's just my romantic illusions of inspiration and contemplation that bring life to it. My point is this - staring at that blank wall for two hours is far more inspiring, interesting and enlightening than watching even just two minutes of the cinematic colonoscopy that is "Cats." A film so awful, so ridiculous and so void of substance its very existence is an affront to musicals, film and theatre. Unless you're a fan of 'so bad it's good' cinema, stay away. This is a watershed moment in bad movie history.

CGI mess of a movie with caterwauling "stars" in ugly costumes and abysmal dance numbers based on the hit Broadway musical.

The movie is ugly to look at and is an assault on the ears with Jennifer Hudson screaming at the top of her lungs and every other "singer" shown in loving close-up as they mug through their numbers. This includes Judi Dench, Ian McKellen, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Taylor Swift and others.

Really, I thought Hudson was trying to cough up a hairball. She should have. It would have been the highlight of the film.