- Mr. Morgo: If you were any other demon, Phears, I would sentence you to an eternity on your knees cleaning up the east swamp - with your tongue; but, you're my sister's kid, and I promised her I'd take care of you.
- Cammie: Thanks, Max. You really are the best boyfriend in the world.
- Max Doyle: Yeah, I guess I am.
- Tara: Yeah, how do we find The Elsewhere?
- Lulu: Mes enfants, no, no, no. You do not find The Elsewhere. The Elsewhere... it finds you.
- Max Doyle: Is there going to be a "but" soon?
- Max Doyle: As the locals tell it, within these rotting walls, on a dark, stormy night, a mild-mannered family man by the name of Neville Grover took his favorite wood ax down from the wall. He called his family to dinner... and... well, to hear the rest of the story, you have to watch the show. That's this Friday, 12:00 midnight. Join me, Simon Drake, Ghost Hunter, for one night in Doom House.
- Max Doyle: [watching Simon's tech crew dress up the abandoned house] So that's why you do all this fake stuff?
- Simon: [coughs] Ex-squeezde me? No. We call it "enhancing the experience for the home audience."
- Simon: [possessed by Phears] Oh, by the way, that boy that we found in the coffin, do you still have his address?
- Beverly: Yeah. I think so.
- Simon: [possessed by Phears] Hey, kid. I'm looking for a cute 16-year-old girl. Do you know where she is?
- Boy: Get lost, creep, or I'll call security.
- Cammie: Now, what's this all about, Max?
- Max Doyle: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me.
- Cammie: Try me.
- Max Doyle: I found the crystal in a box at my house. It was left by some scientists, used to trap an evil ghost, but somehow he escaped and possessed the body of a reality TV show star up at the Grover mansion. Now he's after the crystal so he can unleash his army of the undead and plunge our world into eternal darkness.
- Cammie: You're right. I don't believe you.
- TV Reporter: The youth, Aaron Carmichael, sixteen, was found naked and asleep behind a local church. When questioned by police, Mr. Carmichael said, quote, "I had a dream I was a baby pig, and when I woke up, I was in the mud." unquote. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation.
- Mr. Morgo: Do you know why you're here, Phears?
- Phears: I assume it has something to do with my mission to release an army of ghosts upon the world and plunge it into eternal... darkness?
- Mr. Morgo: Wrong. It has to do with your *failure* to release an army of ghosts upon the world and plunge it into eternal darkness.
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