- Zack: My girlfriend is American, but she is desperate for our child to have a British accent. That's all she wants. She won't talk to our child, seriously. I have to read to Katie every night. All the other kids are watching Sesame Street. Our baby is sat down in front of Downton Abbey. You notice I say "girlfriend," five years, we're still not married, and, boy, have I asked. It was a struggle enough to get her to update her Facebook profile from "single." I was like, "Five years, we have a child together. "Couldn't you at least make it, 'it's complicated'?" And it makes it awkward, though, like, how do you introduce each other? When I introduce Kristin, I introduce her as the light of my life, the song of my soul, the mother of my child. And she introduces me as her roommate.
- Sandy: You don't know until you give it a shot is the truth, right?
- Miranda Collins: Tell me more about this tween and your ex-husband.
- Sandy: Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sure I exaggerated about that a little bit. I'm sure she's older, but I'll have a better idea once all the acne clears up.
- Russell: Look, you told me that your parents were mentally incapacitated.
- Jesse: Trust me, they are.
- Russell: Oh?
- Jesse: They are, and besides, it was our first date. Okay, who doesn't lie on their first date?
- Russell: Oh, really? Well, what about our second date and 50th date and what about the, um... Hey! Oh! The time that we had a child together? Do you realize that you lied to me about your parents?
- Jesse: I lie to everybody about my parents.
- Russell: Oh, that's reassuring.
- Jesse: I lie about my horrible life in that trailer park. I was a freshman in high school, saving every dime that I had so that I could just get out of there. No graduation, cap, gown, on a bus.
- Russell: Good, I get it, you hate your parents.
- Jesse: No, I don't hate them. They're my parents, so I love them, but... Honey, it's not... It's just that they're wrong about so much and they're wrong about how they treat people, they're wrong about how they honor people's differences...
- Russell: You know what's the worst part, is that you lied to them about me. Why? Because it's so terrible to be married to a towel-head! How embarrassing for you. Yeah, they should have called me Dr. Towel-Head.
- Jesse: So, Sandy's ex-husband just got remarried...
- Kristin: Oh...
- Jesse: ...to, like, a 12-year-old.
- Kristin: Oh!
- Jesse: So...
- Kristin: Yeah.
- Sandy: Well, I was actually going to say carpooling and bagging lunches, but, you know, or that.
- Sandy: You don't go into a marriage thinking you're going to get a divorce.
- Sandy: Hey, if you're going to come, will you just text me? And I'll save you a seat?
- Jesse: Yes.
- Sandy: Okay, or tweet at me.
- Jesse: Yeah, I'll text... I'll tweet... What? Tweet you?
- Sandy: Yeah, see, right? That didn't sound right.
- Jesse: Mmm-mmm.
- Sandy: What is that? I was just trying it out.
- Kristin: I mean, I have her address, I just haven't had the courage to contact her. I'm really scared.
- Jesse: God, of course. That's... Who wouldn't be? I mean, that's crazy. You don't even know what she's going to be like. You don't even know your mother and she has this power over you. You're going to have to face it sooner or later. You can do it.
- Tina: Okay, is something wrong?
- Sandy: Yes, something is wrong. I got here an hour early, so I could get a front row seat, and have a perfect camera angle and watch my children. And now you're sitting right here next to me.
- Tina: Because the seat was open.
- Sandy: It was for my purse, my purse's seat, okay? My purse's seat is right here. God, you cannot just show up here late and then sit there. You just can't do that. We need... We need boundaries. We need some rules, Tina.
- Tina: Rules? Like, sitting in an open seat?
- Sandy: I don't know what the rules are yet, Tina. I don't know what they are, but I just know we have them, and you're breaking all of them.
- Sandy: Daughter?
- Bradley: Oh, uh, yeah. Two actually, but only one is currently, you know, becoming a woman.
- Sandy: Got you.
- Bradley: Yeah, their mom used to do this, but... Well, I do it now.
- Sandy: Same boat, two sons.
- Bradley: How is that the same boat?
- Sandy: I guess just the number.
- Sandy: Oh, you've got to be kidding me! Paris? Paris, Paris, Paris! That's... We could not get our shit together for 13 years to get to Paris. Now he's taking Tina. Tina. Now he's taking Tina. It's the only place I've wanted to go since I was a kid and I read Madeline! I don't even think she knows who the hell Madeline is! Oh, my God, this is not happening! This is not happening! Oh, man, you know, you couldn't have taken her to London or to fuckin' Disneyland maybe? I don't know, how about take her to the prom? That's somewhere I bet she hasn't been yet. Jesus... Freaking Tina!
- Bradley: I'd hate to see her in traffic.
- Bradley: Okay, you've got, like, five dozen different recorded versions of that play you completely missed right there. Why don't you just walk over there and ask one of them to replay it for you, then you'll see you're wrong, we'll win the game and then you can stumble home with your seeing-eye dog.
- Male Soccer Referee: That's it. Yellow card!
- Bradley: Yellow card? Are you...
- Male Soccer Referee: Did you just blow my whistle?
- Bradley: You're damn right. You do not blow another man's whistle. You do when he blows the game for you!
- Male Soccer Referee: All right, that's it, red card! You're gone.
- Bradley: I'm gone? Okay, good to know. Okay, you know what? I'm gone. Now your ball's gone. That's what's gone, okay? Hey, Kimberly! You take over, okay?
- Kimberly: Yeah, you better go.
- Bradley: Yeah, thank you. If anybody's looking for me, I'll be out in the parking lot calling LensCrafters, making that guy an appointment!
- Bradley: Where'd you hear that "pox on my whistle"? What's that from?
- Vicky: Shakespeare.
- Bradley: Shakespeare, huh? William Shakespeare?
- Vicky: No, Bob Shakespeare. Who else would it...
- Comic Mia Jackson: But my friend comes to me and she goes, "Oh, my God, Mia, I have met the perfect guy for you." She shows me his picture, and this dude was at least 75, okay? And I am not. And I said, "Um, his eyes have cataracts, mine have hope, okay?"
- Rachel: Yeah, being sad all the time, obsessing over soccer so you can get closer to Mom, watching those videos over and over. She's gone, Dad, and we're all sad, but for how long? And acting like an asshole with that ref doesn't help anyone.
- Bradley: Hey, watch your language.
- Rachel: You know what? Yeah, I cuss. That's because I'm an unsupervised teen and while I'm at it, I don't mind taking care of Vicky and doing all the housework and the cooking. Dad, I'm only 16, I have a life.
- Sandy: So, you have not heard from Russell?
- Jesse: Not a peep, radio silence.
- Sandy: Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Well, at least you have Tanner, you know? Of course, until the day that you get a divorce and then you have to have that 50/50 shared custody and then it's just, like, hell. That's my life. Wait a second. That's not your life, that's my life.
- Jesse: Indians don't really get divorced.
- Flo: I think you look a little like me. Uh-huh. Yes, you do. I think you do. You look just like me in the summertime.
- Miranda Collins: Lance, you're my agent and I love you, which is an oxymoron, but if you are here for some philosophical chat, short, short would be good here.
- Lance Wallace: Yes, you know me as Lance Wallace, agent to the stars.
- Miranda Collins: You used to have big stars. Now you just have me.
- Lance Wallace: Mmm. But you really know I was born in the Bronx and my name was Ramone Navarro, who collected empty soda bottles to get money to eat. We are who the world thinks we are and sometimes, we're not. We decide who we are, when we want and who we want to know. Or is it whom?
- Zack: So, does anyone in here have a baby? No, obviously you don't. You're here having a life.
- Tina: Sandy, I am so sorry.
- Sandy: Yeah.
- Tina: I don't know what happened to his inhaler.
- Sandy: That's why we have a backup. Your middle name is now backup.
- Lance Wallace: Okay, listen, Miranda wants to throw a big expensive wedding at the best hotel, but Kristin wants to get married here because that's where they first met.
- Shorty: Great, and we'll do our best to make it expensive.
- Bradley: Why are you here? Are you in the psychiatric wing?
- Russell: And besides, scaring me to get me in here is not a good way to start a conversation, okay?
- Zack: [baby cries] No, don't cry, stop crying. Five grand at stake. Mate, would you mind holding her for a sec? What's your name, pal?
- Tiny: Tiny.
- Zack: Tiny, if you don't mind me saying, you look like you have a very welcoming bosom. May I rest my child on it?
- Tiny: Sure.
- Zack: Just for a sec, thank you.
- [baby stops crying]
- Zack: I mean, I don't know whether to be pleased or just deeply offended. How did you do that?
- Tiny: I'm soft, like a couch.
- Zack: Please, will you come and live with us? I'm deadly serious. I haven't slept in a year. I'll take the couch. My girlfriend's very attractive.
- Tiny: Can your girlfriend take the couch?
- Grocery Checker: We need a price check on organic cotton...
- Bradley: No, that's not necessary. They are... They're 9 bucks. They're 9 bucks each.
- Grocery Checker: Cancel that price check on tampons, the organic cotton ones.
- Sandy: That was a historic disaster. Oh... I mean, this is all so stupid. This is so stupid. Look at all this. What am I doing? I mean, you know... Ugh, I feel like such an idiot. So, what I'm basically doing is I'm trying to compete with my ex-husband and a 20-year-old. That just makes a lot of sense, right, Jess? It's stupid. You know what it is? I just... I just hate feeling so replaceable.
- Randy the Clown: Well, sadly we all are.
- Sandy: Oh, geez, you scared the crap out of me.
- Randy the Clown: I mean, we're all replaceable. For every professional clown, there's 100 hacks with a red nose and a wig waiting to do the job.
- Sandy: Yeah, I understand. Thanks, clown. Jesse?
- Randy the Clown: There's no way that the bond you have with your kids can ever be broken. I mean, there's no contest, right? You're their mom.
- Sandy: Mmm-hmm.
- Randy the Clown: Oh, let me help.
- Sandy: Oh... Thank... Okay.
- Randy the Clown: Yeah? See?
- Sandy: It's this, I get it, never-ending scarf bit. Yeah, it's the first time you got to use this one today, huh?
- Randy the Clown: Ah... Got a smile from you.
- Sandy: That's great. Do you mind if I rub...
- Randy the Clown: Please.
- Sandy: Thank you very much.
- Randy the Clown: It's always the traditional things that work, the bottomless sleeve hanky, the bottomless cup of coffee, the bottomless love from a mother to her kids. They know it's there. Sometimes they just take it for granted.
- Sandy: Yeah.
- Randy the Clown: So what if the other girl is 20, has great skin and probably looks insane in a bikini?
- Sandy: Okay, that's good, I get it. Nice pep talk there, clown. Thank you, clown. Never thought I'd ever hear myself say that, but thank you, clown.
- Randy the Clown: My pleasure.
- Sandy: Mmm. A heart-to-heart with a clown. There was not a soul to see that. He could have murdered me.
- Sonia: But, Florence, have you seen our grandchild? Oh...
- Flo: I get why they call him Tanner. He's a little dark.
- Sonia: I think he's a little light.
- Flo: Hey, what time is it in India?
- Sonia: India? Who knows. I live here in Las Vegas.No taxes, and I play the slots anytime I want.
- Flo: Hey, smart move. Plus, you can drive 20 miles in any direction and find some sand when you get homesick, right?
- Sonia: I don't get that joke, but it sounds racist, and funny.
- Jesse: [to her son, who's peeing in front of the guests] Tanner, nononono!
- Kristin: Oh!
- Jesse: It's like the fourth time he's done this.
- Kristin: I have abandonment issues!
- Club Owner Wally Burn: All right, this next guy coming out, he's a guy from the island across the pond that gave us colonialism, Hugh Grant and the plague.
- Comic Genevieve Joy: So, Mother's Day is coming and I will be spending it with my mother. I brought her out with my most recent boyfriend and he leaves for the bathroom, not even out of earshot, and she's like, "Well, he's all right, I guess, "but is that the nose you want to see on your little girl?"
- Sandy: By the way, your child is eating sand, if you...
- Jesse: Tanner, don't eat that. There's cat poop in it.
- Kristin: That's so gross. What if there is cat poop...
- Kristin: No, he's fine. They survive...
- Kristin: Cat poop...
- Jesse: And then they grow up to be just like us.
- Sandy: Yeah, and they have a very healthy immune system.
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