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Well, finally, a Hollywood movie that bends over backwards to give big gun supporters a fair shake.

Yes, that’s Sofía Vergara who – as Lady Desdemona, a femme fatale in Machete Kills – straps herself into a weaponized wardrobe that lifts, separates and mows down rivals.

It’s all from the impact-splatter imagination of Robert Rodriguez, the filmmaker who alternates between bloody (Sin City, El Mariachi) and fizzy (four Spy Kids films, The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lava Girl) without aesthetic shift or ethical distress. The Texas father of five says he rarely feels the heat from critics of violence in...

Ahoy, Mateys! Last night, we followed all of the Real Housewives of New York City besides Aviva to St. Barths, an island we learned you need a small plane to get to. Carole hosted the getaway at a house it took her a few scenes to recognize as the same place she stayed when her late husband was still alive, which was a little weird. She also got to use her Lady D.J. headphones on the flight, because Carole’s best friends, John-John and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, died on a small plane years ago. Following? Good!Once the ladies arrived to Carole’s deja-house-vu (Do you like my seamless integration of that word within that term?), the women chose their bedrooms. Ramona and Sonja decided to sleep together and wear each others’ rings on their wedding ring fingers, because that’s a completely normal choice for two straight women who menstruate constantly.

 

It looks like today's episode will finally bring big baddie Fredo into the light, and let's just say that our Oakdale Alpha Gays don't exactly show him any "Hospitaliano"!

Yes, Mammamiadassapicybiodad finds himself at the mercy of Fredo's lead pipe (no, that's not a euphemism) and it's up to Luke and Noah to save him.  

How will things go down (I'm thinking with unlimited breadsticks and a house chardonnay)? Follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates! 

Alright, now who had the Chicken Con Broccoli?

2:07Pm Edt: We start with The Blonde Obstacle watching herself on television. Austin From Days calls her "baby", which probably isn't the best choice of words. She's mad that the Cafe Vienna Hilton let them fall in love with her half-baked pepperkakor, and Austin goes to get her some sleeping pills. Man after my own heart: If all else fails, Pills!

Over at the Vienna Hilton,...

Today Luke and Noah's screwball daddy issues take an interesting turn when it's discovered that Damian's continued presence in Oakdale isn't just tied to his gay son, but also has something to do with the shady dealings going on down at the docks.

Will the discovery of the enterprise punch a hole in the hull of the father/son reunion? Or will it at least give me the opportunity to make a few "docking" jokes?

To find out, follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates!

"Howard? ... Howard ..." 

2:07Pm Edt: We start off with Luke and Noah discussing the infant mortality rate and how the Foundation can help. See? Wacky! Noah accidentally comes up with the new slogan for the Luke Snyder Foundation for Kids Who Can't Read Good: "Save one life and you can save the world!" Only if she's a Teflon cheerleader.

Luke decides to start a...

 

After being kidnapped, shot and very nearly forcibly raped by a distant relative, there's nothing quite like our national pastime to restore one's faith in all that is good, American and performance-enhanced. So when Holden invites Luke and Noah to a baseball game in The Big City in today's episode for some R&R, nothing could possibly go wrong, right?

Riiiiiiiight? 

To find out if papa's attempts at bonding with the boys is a ... wait for it ... home run or a foul ball (Zing!) follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates! 

We wanna pitcher, not a belly-itcher!

2:09Pm Edt: We start off with Cafe Vienna's percolator story, as Austin from Days tries to force-feed her a green muffin with hair. What is this, Whoville? They decide to go take a parenting class and film it ... without Henry! Cafe Vienna's like, uh-uh!

Over at the diner, Henry is taking an order from Dr.

 

That's right, with Zee Evil Non-Twins out of the way, the Snyders are once again freed up to return their attentions to what they do best: Bickering and infighting (at least until the holidays, when they all eat together and get sucked into magical dollhouses/fairy-tales/mistletoe vortexes).

Now that Luke has decided not to return Damian to Biodads'r'Us and will be keeping him for a while, how will Holden's famous temper hold up?

To find out as it happens, follow along below, refreshing for breaking updates! 

Pappa mia!

2:06Pm Edt: Luke is coming out of Noah's room when Papa Malteaser comes around the corner, chirping, "Hi, son!" Luke has been there all night, and when Damian asks if he can see Noah Luke says he's asleep. Damian wants to grab lunch but Luke's having lunch with his parents.

Over at the Lily Pad, Lily's phone rings and she misses it,...

 

Okay, so maybe the fairer Zee isn't going to ask our dear, tousled Alpha Gay to marry her ... but we have reason to believe that she's got more than a familial interest in Luciano's little Grimaldi!

Yes, today we reach the climax (cough!) of Zee Evil Twin saga, as Luke and Noah's captors do the unthinkable. Well, maybe not unthinkable, but at least ... unladylike? Anyway, it should be a hot mess. And we also have reason to believe that the Nuke kidnapping story will be pretty much the only storyline featured today, meaning that I likely won't make it to the previews alive. (If you hear two sharp SNAPs at any point, that's the sound of my poor, limp wrists giving out under the strain.)

Find out how all this nutsiness goes down by following along below, refreshing for up-to-the-minute updates!

Here we go again...

1:56Pm Edt: Okay, just...

 

The newly-arrived Wonder Twin(k)s ® are wasting no time in complicating things for Oakdale's Alpha Gay Couple, eh?

After raping Noah's face with his eyes for a solid five minutes last week, Zac takes things to the next level today by ... well, by actually raping Noah's face. How will Mr. Mayer respond, and what will it have to do with the price of tea in Malta?

To find out, follow along below, refreshing often for breaking updates! 

Bring on the Zacs!

2:05Pm Edt: Luke is drinking coffee and laptopping away in Al's when Noah comes in, earning a lingering look from Officer Hotsytots, who's standing outside. Uh, what if someone on the Al's staff is working for Damian and they dump a pot of hot joe in his lap? We already know that Vienna's unborn spawn can't be trusted...

Luke is doing some online banking with the Foundation...