L'attaque du requin à deux têtes

Sharks Vs. Silicone The 'Jaws' series tought us that sharks grow to 40 feet, eat helicopters, raise their heads above the water to roar at their prey, hunt in 4 feet of water, and attack cruise ships.

The recent megalodon films tought us that sharks grow to 65 feet, fly, eat 747 airplanes, and attack oil rigs, supertankers, and aircraft carriers. Yet still hunt teenagers in 4 feet of water and raise their heads above the water to roar.

Now '2 Headed Shark Attack' teaches us, sharks have two heads, grow to 65 feet yet still hunt teenagers in 4 feet of water, can collapse and island by butting against it, are amphibious and come on land to roar at teenagers, and most importantly have a sweet tooth for silicon.

The plot: Hardly original crew of token "marine biology" college students' cruise ship is struck by engine and radio failure.

With Carmen Electra as a college professor it's understandable why so many gorgeous, horny, and brain dead students signed up for the class.

And when I say there's a lot of silicone, I mean it. I counted only 4 breasts that could even pass for natural in the entire film.

Predictably the class wades ashore a "atoll" which according to this film tend to collapse. Atolls apparently also feature concrete docks for motor boats and Robinson Caruso like grass huts.

The dialogue consists entirely of, "What was that? Oh my God! Go go go!" There's plenty of blood and guts and some decent CGI FX.

Disappointingly there's no explanation for why a shark has 2 heads and is 60 feet long. Most giant shark movies at least offer some type of explanation such as a greedy corporation's experiment gone awry.

The silicone is nice to look at between killings but no one is memorably gorgeous enough to save this disaster.

A wild 2 headed Sharpedo appeared. It used pixelate. It's not very effective ...

Suddenly, after about one minute, a vicious two-headed shark shows its teeth and consumes two innocent babes as if they were his hors d'oeuvre. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for 90 minutes of the most preposterous nonsense ever recorded on film.

In fact there is not even much to say about total failure number twenty thousand of 'The Asylum'. Really stiff dialogues, lousy acting, miserable directing, hopeless CGI, SFX and the typical, but equally desperate storyline. However, this time there are no scientists or special agents involved. The shark is only confronted with a boat of voluptuous and muscular students, who, of course, parade happily with their breasts and biceps, but ultimately only let the vocal cords work.

It can be said that the shark is essentially a young, healthy man, with an immaculate interest in the female sex, even though he presents himself at times as a juvenile peeper. But, generally it doesn't take long before he comes trotting with a whopper of an opening line, and starts courting the giggling girls. A lasting relationship, however, is not an option.

We know by now that our friends from 'The Asylum' aren't very pragmatic in approach, but of all the plot holes there is only one that I can not fathom. If that shark has two heads, then why didn't Carmen Electra have four breasts? Food for thought.

When I watch a total crapfest like this, it makes me wonder how the brilliant Battlestar Galactica ever aired, especially on this Lowest Common Denominator channel. Anyone else remember when this was a GOOD channel? When they showed 50's classic, SF Pilot Playhouse, etc? Now it pummels the audience with garbage like this, filled with has beens and never were's, edits out the softcore nudity and sex (for the DVD's and Europe I imagine). Anyone remember when a B movie was worth seeing? This absolute turd sandwich of a movie featured horrible effects, worse acting and a dumb story that had really nothing going for it. I know, I know, I didn't have to watch it. I know that. But it's like being hypnotized. One wants to look away, but we can't. WE CAN'T. I'd say this, avoid at all costs, unless you want to save money on a sleeping pill. It's simply that horrible.

Movie review:After posting the trailer, I just couldn't wait to watch this one. This movie was so bad, it kept my attention in between sessions of gargling hydrochloric acid to null out the pain my brain was enduring. The plot, bunch of kids charter a boat to who knows where and comes under attack, from a 2 headed shark, hence the snappy title. This movie is possibly the biggest joke I have seen, ever. The un-special effects were done by a two year old taking her first bath with a toy rubber shark. At some points the people that were eaten were larger than the shark, and others the shark was larger than the boat. The camera work was done so poorly that this was obvious. The shark had the ability to devour people that are standing in waist deep water, yet plunge straight downward into the depths of the water. When the actors, and that is the biggest insult to acting I have ever witnessed, get stranded on an atoll (i always thought that was a coral reef formation, not a makeshift island) they must figure out a way to escape. blah blah. There is not one single redeeming quality of this piece of crap, and it is hard not to swear as I am typing this. Oh, did I mention Brooke Hogan and Carmen Electra are the main attractions? They are still stuck in a cardboard box attempting to act their way out of it. All the extras were following cues from the staff so blatantly it was pathetic. "Act scared", "Act mortified at the person being eaten underwater", even though there is no way you could see it. I could go on, but I'll spare you. Do not see this movie unless you feel the need to watch a "how to not make a movie" instructional video. Worst movie ever. Now I am sure there are the "b-movies so bad they are good" people out there. Well, this is it, minus the good. Recycled scenes in a 87 minute movie, boats not moving when they are supposed to be speeding, conversations of two people on said boats and they can hear each other, the list is endless. 1.5/10 IMDb 2.6 , I guess it got scored high because two topless chicks make out in said waste deep water and get eaten. Brooke, stick with TNA (that is wrestling for the non-followers). At least that is more believable.

And let me tell you.... I busted a gut on this one. I mean I expected bad, but there really isn't a word that adequately describes the level of bad this movie broached upon. Like Ninth circle of hell bad. Like Killer Clowns from Outer Space was an Oscar Winner bad. Like .... never mind. I need another good laugh, so I have Sand shark next on my DVR to laugh through. Whoever wrote this film should be drawn and quartered and forced to sign an agreement that swears they will never write again. B rated? Thats a compliment undeserved. Who in their right mind paid to produce that film? Is there a way to negotiate your contract to NOT include this in your credits list? I know if it were me, I'd certainly explore that option.