Ambulance 37

For some reason then "Old 37" had managed to elude me until 2017, which is a bit odd as it has both Kane Hodder and Bill Mosely on the cast list, two huge iconic horror names, and two actors that I do like in movies.

So when I got the chance to sit down and watch "Old 37", I needed no convincing and I didn't even have to read the synopsis for the movie. All that was needed was the horror label and the fact that both Hodder and Mosely were starring in this movie.

The pacing of the movie was somewhat of a mixed result. I especially liked how the movie did lay the groundwork for the setting from the very beginning. But the movie did follow the generic formula of how to make a horror movie, which was so clearly apparent, for better or worse. And it does slow down quite a lot during the first half of the movie in order to establish characters and background. That made it somewhat tedious, but then it gradually started to pick up pace again as Jon Roy (played by Kane Hodder) and Darryl (played by Bill Mosely) made a return to perform their ghastly endeavor.

The cast in "Old 37" was good, especially because most of the faces appearing on the screen were new to me. And personally I do enjoy watching new performers on the screen, as they are not already associated with other roles in other movies. And having two horror icons in one movie needs no explanation.

As for the characters in the movie, well I will say that the character gallery was quite diverse. Some characters more likable than others, naturally. However, the overall impression is that the characters could just as easily had been in any other horror movie, so there was a feeling of generic character build to some of them.

There wasn't an abundance of special effects, much less CGI effects. But I will say that the practical effects that were in the movie were quite nice, especially the special effects make-up on Brooke, when she was found, that looked quite good. It was interesting to have Jon Roy cover his lower part of the face with a mask throughout the movie, but when his face was revealed it was somewhat of an anti-climatic reveal, because his face wasn't that scary or deformed.

"Old 37" was actually quite nicely filmed and edited, which made for a very enjoyable viewing pleasure. And that also made for a very good flow to the movie.

The music score for the movie was actually quite good, and the music was quite fitting for the particular atmosphere that permeated the movie.

I must admit that I had expected more mayhem and mutilation that what director Alan Smithee managed to deliver here with the help of writers Joe Landes and Paul Travers. And the ups and downs in the pacing of the movie was also somewhat of a setback for the overall enjoyment of the movie. "Old 37" wasn't an impressive or outstanding horror movie in any way, and not even the two iconic horror figures Hodder and Mosely could salvage this one.

It might be scarier if anyone knew what an Old 37 was.

Think of the most convoluted, confusing and frankly, boring plot of the worst of the Saw series and you'll have yourself your own Old 37 including all the same Saw-gore and bad acting you can tolerate. Mercifully, it's not the same plot, but all of the outer edges are the same despite having such a dull blade to begin with.

I guess the main plot is SUPPOSED to be about two evil Tucker & Dales who use an ambulance to prey on innocent victim victims...of car crashes, but is turned into some not-so-teen drama straight outta I Know What You Did Last Summer. Actually, make that: it's more like the parody of that movie from within Scary Movie.

In truth, there are about 28 flashbacks making up a good half of the runtime from both the killers driving the Old 37 (the ambulance's name, I believe, who knows?) and "teen's" POV and those made my mind wander so much, I have no real idea what this mess is about.

But, hey, when is it NOT great to have horror screen legends: Bill Moseley and Kane Hodder in front of the camera and very nice gore graphics? Also, no-spoilers, but I LOVED the very end. To be honest, it didn't fit the scene before, but it still was a pretty good final shot. (And the scene before, I totally got the reference, Mr. Hodder. I sure did.)

But, no amount of a Masked Hodder, a Bored Bill, gore and a great finale will save this all-over-the-place horror film. I didn't even get to the weird mother/daughter relationship.

At least, I think they were mother and daughter. They really looked like a handful of years apart in age. I'm so confused.

***

Final thoughts: Maybe this is just past my generation. I am an Old 46-year-old, myself.

I figure a film with Kane Hodder and Bill Mosely as killer paramedics should be better. Its still watchable though. A quarter of the film plays like a Lifetime teen drama.

It's all bait n' switch with some movie companies. You can hire a couple of 'name' stars and a competent film crew and churn out some garbage that desperate fans will show up for... and walk away cheated. But hey, you got some cash out of them and word won't spread fast enough to keep you from making back your investment plus a bit to see the next bit of cinematic snake oil.

Really, I thought the basic idea could have worked... and the actors were decent... and with modern technology and film schools churning out tech-competent students desperate to pay off their loans it's hard to make a bad looking movie... but geeez! Who wrote this crap?!!! It's dumb and dumbest right from the start. Does Moseley even read the scripts for the movies before he signs up?

Truly a waste of time, talent and energy.

Taking an "Alan Smithee" seems petty. I can't imagine what "other" direction the director had in mind for this film. I mean, what other course could this film possibly have taken? This is boilerplate horror.

I couldn't finish this movie, which for a horror film - there's just no excuse for that. Even bad horror films hold one's attention, if only via anticipation. With this plot and this cast, they had a golden opportunity to make something genuinely cool and interesting.