Noah's Shark

Right, well I knew this movie was going to be bad. But still, I opted to sit down and watch what writer John Oak Dalton and director Mark Polonia had to offer with the 2021 movie titled "Noah's Shark". And sure, while the title is bad, it was still a fun pun on Noah's ark.

And the movie's cover was actually looking fun enough, so there might be an odd chance that the movie would be one of those shark movie that are so bad that they actually become fun and enjoyable to watch. But no. "Noah's Shark" was not one such movie.

"Noah's Shark" is a downright horrible movie and a laughable attempt at making a shark movie. I didn't even make it halfway through before I gave up on this stinker of a movie. Yeah, the storyline was that bad, and the effects were that bad. And not even bad in a fun way. No, just pure and simply bad. Just what was writer John Oak Dalton thinking when sitting down to write the script and plot for this movie?

The movie's cover/poster was actually the best thing about the entire ordeal.

I was not familiar with a single actor or actress that performed in the movie, nor had I been missing out on a great thing here.

My rating of "Noah's Shark" lands on a one out of ten stars. There are lots of bad shark movies out there, but "Noah's Shark" floats right to the top five of bad shark movies ever made.

Truly a masterpiece and a cornerstone in the progression of film as a medium for storytelling. The extremely meta attitude that the narrative shows is extremely metaphorical in its transformation of the famous great flood story from the bible. To be honest, the setting is so realistic that I now wonder if the bible is truly what happened.

This movie will make you question your own humanity and the value of humanity as a whole. "Should humanity make art", "does bad art relinquish our validity as a species. The existentialism that it follows is also extremely captivating,"should I watch", "how does one delete movies and the conception of them from reality" and "is life still worth living" are all topics explored deeply in your own psyche while watching this movie.

Even the people who find this movie to not suit their taste must acknowledge that this is truly one of the movies ever made.

The story is mildly interesting, but the amateurish production design makes this a movie that could have maybe been "So Bad It's Good" just plain bad.

I am so disappointed in this. I came in with low expectations and somehow they were not only not met, but missed so poorly i can't put it into words. The lead actor, curly hair big nose, was dismal. He had no business being anywhere near a movie. Not acting, writing, editing, directing, even seeing a movie or a commercial for one on TV. I hated him in Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse, which was WAY BETTER THAN THIS! And I still hate him. Nobody wants to act. The woman who was the "arms dealer" or whatever can't deliver a line without laughing or do anything for that matter without cracking a smile. The budget, if there was one, couldn't have been higher than a KFC family meal and a fifth of Jack Daniels. This, is without a doubt, the worst film ever. Not just the worst in the PCU (Polonia Cinematic Universe), but the worst film to ever disgrace a screen.

... you probably guessed it, but here goes: the poster and the title. There is almost no redeeming factor in this. Even if you are into the silliness of it all (which let's be honest you absolutely have to be, otherwise do not even bother), the movie does take itself way too serious - for it's own good.

And for the viewers good too. Because this could have been just a silly movie based on a silly premise/pun. I don't have to mention that the CGI is as bad as you probably imagine it will be. The acting is decent at best and only at times. Maybe you can be forgiving, but it is quite unlikely. So enjoy the poster and do not waste your time on this - others already did that for you.