I'd watch anything with Matthew McConaughey. Seriously. I've seen Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, I liked it, I've seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation, it was horrendous, I've seen his courtroom dramas A Time to Kill and The Lincoln Lawyer, love them. He's one of my favorite actors because no matter what genre he does, he's still entertaining as hell to watch. And don't even get me started on Gary Oldman. The Professional anyone? So when I saw the trailer for Tiptoes promising McConaughey and "a performance of a lifetime" by Gary Oldman, needless to say I was expecting greatness. Not really. But there has to be some redeeming value in a movie where two of my favorite actors play twin brothers and one of them is a dwarf, right? Well... no.
Tiptoes is exactly as terrible as you'd expect it to be. The premise alone, like who the hell thought of this? And why in god's name did McConaughey and Oldman agree to this abomination? Did they even read the script? Holy hell it's bad. It has some laugh out loud moments of course, I mean the premise lends itself to some horrifically awkward situations. One of the greatest lines in the movie is McConaughey yelling, "I'M A DWARF!" as his 6 foot tall body looms over Kate Beckinsale. It's classic. And the thing is, the acting is really good. Across the board. How they were able to deliver this dialogue with a straight face I'll never know. I can't imagine what their paychecks were.
There are some truly cringe-worthy moments in here as you can imagine. There's the whole drama over calling little people "midgets" and a pointless story between Peter Dinklage with a french accent and Patricia Arquette, as in it literally adds zero to the plot. And the ending, wow. Let's just say McConaughey got the short end of the stick.
I sat through this movie, you don't have to. Seriously the trailer goes through the entire plot, and it's infinitely funnier being 3 minutes long as opposed to a 90-minute brutal movie experience. In a way I'm glad Tiptoes was made because it's so insane and incredulous of a premise with these fantastic actors, it's like the best punchline of all time. But this movie tries to be serious, and because of that, it's painful to watch. Don't see Tiptoes.
