- Lisa Bremer Harris: [the employees are having a poll regarding who among them are masturbating at home] Niels! Do you masturbate?
- Niels Buckingham: [beathing heavy] Yes... would... you mind closing the door?
- Kim Dorowsky: [Casper and Kim just had sex] I couldn't believe that sex could be *that* bad.
- Casper Christensen: Sex? It had nothing to do with sex... It was more like an asthma attack!
- Niels Buckingham: I've felt the horrors of alcoholism myself. I was on a journey, the destination was Cambodia. I was going with high speed down the rollercoaster of life. Booze, gambling, voluptuous women, cockfights, pills, midgets and junior strip. Opium and mud wrestling against blind people. At last, it all became too much and I was expelled from Copenhagen Airport.
- [commentator on Gay Olympics]
- Kenny Nickelman: The 400 metre run starts now; of course nobody wants to lead since everybody wants to be behind each other to enjoy the view.
- Niels Buckingham: I think you should go and wash your filthy vagina with water and soap.
- Liva Iberhart: What did you say?
- Niels Buckingham: *Mouth*! I mean mouth!
- Liva Iberhart: [Liva has been cheating on her boyfriend with Casper] I gotta hurry back home, Henrik is usually in the mood for sex once ecery six months... that should be right about now!
- Niels Buckingham: Bravo Casper! You delivered a fabulous show!
- Casper Christensen: [optimistic] Yeah? Did you think it was fun?
- Niels Buckingham: You know I got no humor... But I could tell by the audience.
- Casper Christensen: So you have stopped considering firing me?
- Niels Buckingham: No, no... I still consider it... That's just the way I am... Bye-bye
- Lisa Bremer Harris: Do you got a pain in your back?
- Niels Buckingham: Yes... I was looking for some wonderful Belgium chocolate when I suddenly saw this little naughty boy peeing right in the middle of the Square! I tried to lift him but he wouldn't move.
- Lisa Bremer Harris: You tried to lift mannequin Piss?
- Niels Buckingham: Well, miss smart-mouth, you should try yourself how hard it is to spot the difference between a boy and a statue when you get pissed all over your face!
- Robert Lange Dølhus: I don't wanna get caught with my pants down...
- Erik Noppenau: One thing at a time, Robert... one thing at a time.
- Kim Dorowsky: Niels, could I - because of the International Woman Day - have a hotline where women could phone me and I could have a little chat with them?
- Niels Buckingham: Don't you think you should leave that to me? What makes you the expert on women?
- Kim Dorowsky: Well, now I am a woman myself, Niels... I shave my legs, wear a dress and sit down when I pee.
- Niels Buckingham: Well, that still doesn't rule me out...
- Lisa Bremer Harris: [talking about self-defense] Then it won' be so easy to be a rapist any more...
- Niels Buckingham: That's right, Lisa... that's one of the good, ol' handyworks that are on their way out.
- Kenny Nickelman: I can easily combine a good and healthy working environment with a good and healthy sex life.
- Casper Christensen: [looks skeptically at him]
- Kenny Nickelman: Well, a damaged and minimal sex life.
- Niels Buckingham: What's all this yelling about?
- Liva Iberhart: We're fresh out of water.
- Niels Buckingham: Where? In your vagina?
- Lisa Bremer Harris: Niels, please!
- Niels Buckingham: Sorry, girls, don't know what's gotten into me...
- [repeated line]
- Casper Christensen: [to Robert] What's so funny about that
- Robert Lange Dølhus: I don't know...
- Niels Buckingham: Why, you look just awful, Casper! You look like a body that has been lying on the E45 freeway for 73 hours... That reminds me to change the tires on the Volvo.
- Casper Christensen: Why are you such a homophobe Kenny... There's nothing wrong in being gay
- Kenny Nickelman: It's unatural... against the Bible
- Casper Christensen: How?
- Kenny Nickelman: Casper, use your brains... In the Bible it was Adam & EVE, it wasn't Adam & Harvey
- Casper Christensen: Look... I'm a little horny right now so I'll just go and pick up a chick and screw her and then we can grab a beer afterwards, okay
- Kenny Nickelman: That's been noted sir!
- Casper Christensen: All right champ!
- [Casper leaves]
- Kenny Nickelman: [talking into a tape recorder] Don't envy him, Kenny! You can do a lot of other things, like you're helping Kim with her book... I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH A RANDOM WOMAN TOO!
- [Kenny puts the recorder in his pocket, gives a relived sigh and leaves]
- Casper Christensen: There's a clown at our place right now and he's made a training boot camp in my apartment! I tell you Kenny, i'm afraid to go home. I always had a big fear of clowns, I don't know why.
- Kenny Nickelman: Of course you are... They use make-up and lipstick... It's drag-queens for kids!
- Casper Christensen: No it's not that... I just don't like the way they behave!
- Kenny Nickelman: Ohhhh, then you better watch out when you come home... Maybe he'll give you a blow in the baloon!
- Niels Buckingham: HORSE! That was the answer I was looking for! These mensa-questions are far too easy: What is 7 times 18? HORSE! Caus' if you've got a horse it's STRAIGH FORWARD. HELLO Tinky-winkey, and PIKACHU. I gotta go, it's almost lunch-time
- Casper Christensen: But Niels, it's only 9:30am
- Niels Buckingham: Yes, on YOUR clock, but what about the clocks on the arms of people in Montreal?
- Wulff: In Montreal it's 2am... now...
- Niels Buckingham: Exactly! And who want's to stop a Canadian lumberjack-type like me from cutting himself a lovely slice of pot roast? GO en peace, brother rabbit. This man is the most sensible one present here tonight! THANK YOU ALL. Mmmm estragon and creamy gorgonzola.
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