- Holden: What you need is a date with my two-dimensional lady friend, here. She not only pulls out, she puts out. What do you think Sam? It's the mass of the ass directly proportional to the beauty of the cutie!
- [first lines]
- Sam: Hello, ladies. This is all kind of funny. Really. Actually this whole thing started because of laughter, you know. Laughter, when the smile has an orgasm. And out of one hundred of you women, I can bring ninety nine of you to this climax chuckle. I can. But I can't make the one girl I love smile, like she made me smile on the worst day of my already terrible laughable life. Which is an incredible feat, seeing I've been having horrible days since I was a kid.
- Gretchen: You have to listen to me. We are over. Completely and totally over.
- Sam: The next time you break up with me, you want to do it before I give you a ride home.
- Gretchen: We are over!
- Sam: Oh, no. You can't do this to me now.
- Hope: You've lost your smile.
- [pause]
- Hope: You've lost your smile.
- Sam: [voice over] Her name was Hope. She had this winning smile that could take home Olympic Gold.
- Hope: What did Snow White say to Pinocchio when she was sitting on his face? "Lie to me. Lie to me".
- Hope: You know what I think we should do?
- Sam: No.
- Hope: Which window did you say was your ex girlfriends?
- Sam: I think it was that one.
- [Hope sling shots a rock through Gretchen's window using her bra]
- Hope: My number is five, five, five...
- Sam: Okay.
- Hope: Six, three, four, four
- Sam: Okay. Six, three, four, four. Okay great.
- Hope: Don't forget this. Smile.
- Sam: Yeah. And thank you for giving it back to me.
- Hope: Thanks for the ride.
- Sam: Okay.
- Hope: Call me.
- Sam: I will.
- Hope: Bye.
- Sam: [voice over] I had to find Hope. So I took a job as a delivery guy.
- Sam: [voice over] It's lame, I know. But at least this job allowed me to search for Hope on every corner, in every building and every run I made throughout the city.
- [running into the wrong woman]
- Sam: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
- Sam: Wait... I can explain.
- Sam: Oh, wow, Hope! Hey!
- Hope: Hello, Sam.
- Sam: Oh, my God. I've been looking for you everywhere. You have no idea. I am so, so sorry I never called. You wrote your number down in my palm and it was pouring raining that night, and it just washed off.
- Hope: It's okay.
- Sam: How are you? You look like someone dropped an ACME safe on your head.
- Sam: Do you know Hope from Six E?
- The Actress: My acting coach told me not to talk to anyone while I'm doing my exercises.
- Sam: [about Hope] I'm not giving up on her.
- Sam: Hey, Hope. Come to the window. Look at this.
- Annie: I forgot I had that thing on. It's a facial massager. It's supposed to tighten the muscles on my face.
- Sam: Give me some straight answers or the espresso gets it.
- Hope: Sam you've been really sweet. I think it's best we say goodbye now.
- Annie: I baked you this. It'll make you feel better.
- Sam: That's good.
- Annie: He just wants to know why you're so sad.
- Annie: You think you care about me, but it's just pity.
- Annie: You love me, but you're thinking about Hope aren't you?
- Hope: You are a true friend. And now I've fallen completely in love with you.
- [last lines]
- Sam: Annie, I love you. This is the only way I can get you to see how I feel.
- Tanya: Women are just superior to men.
- Sam: Like how?
- Tanya: Like you can't have babies.
- Sam: Like you can't open jars of peanut butter.
- Tanya: Women mature faster than men.
- Sam: Men are faster getting out of the bathroom in the morning.
- Tanya: All serial killers are men.
- Sam: Almost all cereal box mascots are men.
- Tanya: Women can have multiple orgasms.
- Sam: *We* don't have to fake them.
- Tanya: Women live longer than men.
- Sam: It's the only way we can get away from you.
- Tanya: You can't take anything seriously.
- Sam: You can't take a joke.
- Tanya: I don't need a man for a thing.
- Sam: You just set your beeper on vibrate.
- Holden: I have overdosed on hardcore and now I can't get a hard-on!
- Holden: Why do you think they call it masturbate? Cause it allows you to be the master of your own fate!
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