- Stan Fields: Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.
- Cheryl "Rhode Island": That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.
- Kathy Morningside: New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?
- Gracie Hart: Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.
- [audience applauds]
- Victor Melling: My God, I did it!
- Gracie Hart: And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.
- Victor Melling: A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!
- Gracie Hart: I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, and I'm armed! Don't *mess* with me!
- [Explaining why she was with a guy the night before]
- Gracie Hart: I was dating him for a little while because he told me he had an incurable disease...
- All Girls: Ooh.
- Gracie Hart: Yeah, I didn't realize it was stupidity.
- Gracie Hart: You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me...
- [singsonging]
- Gracie Hart: You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to hug me... You want to smooch me... You want to...
- Victor Melling: [teaching Gracie how to glide] See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?
- Gracie Hart: It takes a very secure man to walk like that.
- Victor Melling: The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.
- Gracie Hart: What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?
- Eric Matthews: Hart, listen to me. I've waited five years to run my own op. You think I'd blow it on the wrong girl?
- Gracie Hart: No no no, I know the only reason you picked me was because I was the only one who looked half decent in a bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.
- Eric Matthews: No, that's why they *let* me pick you. You wanna know why I picked you?
- Gracie Hart: Lost a bet?
- Eric Matthews: Because you're smart. Because you don't take any crap from people. You're funny. You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. Look, give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you.
- Gracie Hart: Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.
- Victor Melling: You are not having sex on this stage.
- Gracie Hart: I didn't know that was an option.
- Eric Matthews: This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies, and they can hear you.
- Gracie Hart: Don't need that, with all this foil in my hair I'm getting HBO.
- Victor Melling: By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?
- Gracie Hart: I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.
- Victor Melling: I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.
- Karen "New York": I just want to let all the lesbians out there know: if I can make it to the top ten, so can you! Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!
- Dave the Pageant Director: Get her off of there! Go to Stan!
- Karen "New York": [to a girl in the audience] Tina, I love you, baby!
- Tina: Oh, Karen! I love you, Karen!
- Karen "New York": Yo, Tina! I love you, baby!
- [Gracie, watching the scene, applauds, whoops, and nods in approval]
- Stan Fields: And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians - interviews!
- Dave the Pageant Director: Bumper, commercial, can we say lesbians?
- Assistant Director: You got a problem with that?
- Eric Matthews: You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this.
- Gracie Hart: I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.
- Eric Matthews: Funny, me too.
- Kathy Morningside: Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get? Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant...
- Gracie Hart: Hey, hey! It is not a beauty pageant, it is a scholarship program.
- Kathy Morningside: Yeah, yeah.
- Gracie Hart: *Yes*!
- Eric Matthews: Just imagine that she's me and there's something you wanna know but I don't wanna talk about it. What would you do?
- Gracie Hart: You want me to beat it out of her?
- Stan Fields: What is the one most important thing our society needs?
- Gracie Hart: That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.
- [crowd is silent]
- Gracie Hart: And world peace!
- [crowd cheers ecstatically]
- Stan Fields: Thank you, Gracie Lou.
- Gracie Hart: And thank *you*, Stan.
- [Gracie walks offstage]
- Victor Melling: That was charming. Are you drunk?
- Gracie Hart: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!
- Victor Melling: This woman has no talent!
- Eric Matthews: Geez Vic! You don't gotta shout it out in front of her!
- [Gracie pulls earpiece out of her ear]
- Eric Matthews: Wo wo wo. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Put that back in your ear.
- Gracie Hart: I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head! I can't even do it with me in my head!
- Eric Matthews: Operation "Thong" has commenced.
- Gracie Hart: Why don't you stun-gun yourself?
- Eric Matthews: I knew she'd like that one.
- Victor Melling: Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?
- Gracie Hart: Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?
- Victor Melling: He's with me.
- Eric Matthews: I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...
- Victor Melling: Come on, muffin!
- Kathy Morningside: Of course he had a gun. This is Texas, everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!
- Stan Fields: I don't have a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.
- Victor Melling: If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.
- Eric Matthews: Maybe we could have dinner, you know?
- Gracie Hart: What? You, like, asking me on a date?
- Eric Matthews: No! Just casual dinner... If we happen to have sex afterwards so be it!
- Gracie Hart: Oh my gosh, it's the crown!
- Victor Melling: Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?
- [Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown]
- Victor Melling: Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!
- [arguing about Gracie's contract on providing a talent]
- Eric Matthews: Listen to me, you old fruitcake!
- Victor Melling: How dare you, you cupcake!
- Eric Matthews: Don't look at me like I betrayed you.
- Gracie Hart: No, betrayal implies an action, you just stood there!
- Gracie Hart: Good evening, I know the program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you, but, uh, some of the girls got dehydrated.
- [Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit]
- Gracie Hart: Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.
- [Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment]
- Gracie Hart: What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?
- Victor Melling: It's for the little baggies under your eyes.
- Gracie Hart: Really.
- [Vic shakes a can of hairspray]
- Gracie Hart: Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.
- [Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror]
- Gracie Hart: What are you doing?
- Victor Melling: It stops the suit from riding up.
- Gracie Hart: Riding up where?
- Victor Melling: Just... up!
- Gracie Hart: That is enough!
- Victor Melling: Why do you make things difficult for me?
- Gracie Hart: Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!
- Stan Fields: Prepare for what promises to be a day of astounding musical, theatrical, and dancing talent. And after I'm finished you can see the ladies!
- [after McDonald sees himself in a bikini on the computer]
- Eric Matthews: We were just looking for someone to go undercover at the pageant.
- McDonald: And I'm the best we have. That doesn't inspire much confidence.
- Eric Matthews: All right, here's your new IDs. For pageant identity.
- Gracie Hart: [looking at hers] Gracie Lou Freebush?
- Eric Matthews: Yeah, remember, you like that name.
- Gracie Hart: Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped ten points.
- Cheryl "Rhode Island": My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me to a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and - and music and - and movies.
- Karen "New York": No wonder you're still a virgin.
- Kathy Morningside: You know, you think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.
- Gracie Hart: What, you think that their dream is to get blown up?
- [answering her question during the final five round]
- Cheryl "Rhode Island": In a way, America is like a big ship, and when we work together and respect each other, that's when the ship gets safely home.
- Victor Melling: [as the audience applauds] Terrific answer! DAMMIT!
- Victor Melling: In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!
- Gracie Hart: Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?
- Victor Melling: Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!
- Gracie Hart: You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.
- Gracie Hart: You know what...
- [grabs Eric in a headlock]
- Gracie Hart: Pull this off! What, is it because Macdonald hates me?
- Eric Matthews: He doesn't hate you!
- Gracie Hart: Is it some woman thing?
- [Eric knocks her to the floor]
- Eric Matthews: Don't kid yourself! Nobody thinks of you that way!
- [Gracie trips him and sits on his back, holding him down]
- Gracie Hart: He's punishing me, isn't he?
- Eric Matthews: [under Gracie] Look, I had to beg him to let you do this!
- Gracie Hart: What?
- Eric Matthews: Yeah, like it or not you screwed up, pal!
- [they roll over attacking each other]
- Gracie Hart: [Sitting on Eric again] This may come as a shock to you but I've never been in a beauty pageant before! I don't even own a dress! I don't even own a brush!
- [They roll around again]
- Eric Matthews: [with Gracie's thighs squeezing his head] Which part o' that is supposed to shock me?
- [Gracie slams her thighs against his head and they roll over on the floor again]
- Gracie Hart: [Eric's feet squeezing her face] Jesus! Let's just swing reality for like a second! I have to do everything like the big hair, and the makeup...
- Eric Matthews: Damn right! The spinning, the twirling, the smiling...
- Gracie Hart: [out of breath] So you're saying... I have to wear... the bathing suit?
- [after Eric pulls Gracie into the pool]
- Gracie Hart: Oh, Vic's gonna kill you. You in big trouble.
- Eric Matthews: You look good wet.
- Gracie Hart: Shut up!
- Victor Melling: Ten out of eleven years my girls were crowned. The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. You can't beat that.