- Max Abbitt: True love cannot be found where it does not truly exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does.
- Samantha Andrews: You know that I hadn't dated for two years before you introduced me to Max?
- Jay Murphy: I didn't realize that, no.
- Samantha Andrews: My whole life had been my work. I'd gone through a heartbreak as well, but I now understand it was just my ego. 'Cause looking back, I don't... I don't think I really loved him. But I cried when I realized that he didn't love me.
- Jay Murphy: So the $64,000 question is, how do you know beforehand that you're with the wrong person so you can avoid having them wreak havoc on a large portion of your life?
- Samantha Andrews: I don't think you do know until you meet the right person, 'cause then you just... you just... you just feel something that you know you've never felt before.
- Max Abbitt: This is not a toothpick, okay? It's an Australian chewing stick. See, I know other countries in Europe!
- [on Jay putting an end to Max's hedonistic lifestyle]
- Jay Murphy: I mean, Max, you don't wanna become that fourty-year-old guy who's still out at the clubs with the silk shirt and gold chains trying to pick up on college girls, do you?
- Max Abbitt: Of course not, Jay... at forty, I wanna be the bald guy with a pony-tail and a Harley trying to pick up High School girls.
- Jay Murphy: You're an idiot.
- Max Abbitt: Yet you're the one in therapy.
- Jay Murphy: You're the one who SHOULD be.
- Max Abbitt: Maybe you can get me in! I've always wanted to pay a hundred bucks an hour to talk myself out of being happy.
- Jay Murphy: It's hard to tell how many emotions were real and how many were manufactured just to get the other person to bring over more pot.
- Max Abbitt: I thought we agreed not to set each other up anymore.
- Jay Murphy: No, I agreed not to let you set me up anymore after that girl who you said was perfect for me tied me up and came out with that hood and cane and offered to beat the shit out of me.
- Jay Murphy: Why would I set you up with some girl that I banged?
- Max Abbitt: Share the wealth, brother.
- Max Abbitt: I'm not gonna depress myself, and sit in my room all night listening to Barry Manilow records.
- Jay Murphy: Hey, that was a radio special!
- Samantha Andrews: Jay?
- Jay Murphy: Yeah?
- Samantha Andrews: That girl is not for you.
- Jay Murphy: I know... I just keep thinking, what if I missed out on a girl who is?
- Max Abbitt: You stick with the Virgin Mary, and remember, if you fuck it up again, you're back to Italy doing another romance novel.
- Jay Murphy: Now I know in this little three week Love Boat episode of yours, you think you've come to know what love is. But, you know what? I don't know that you have.
- Max Abbitt: "Fair"? You're telling me that the woman I wanna marry is thinkin' of fucking my best friend? "Fair"? Fuck fuckin' fair! Fuck you! Fuck her! Fuck everybody, fair!