Quand le Père Noël s'en mêle

This movie is so bad, it's actually considered cruel and unusual punishment under the U.S. Constitution. I wish I was exaggerating. If you want a Christmas movie, go watch Miracle on 34th Street or something. Just stay far, far, FAR, I can't emphasise this enough, FAR AWAY from this horrifyingly bad film. You've heard the phrase "So bad, it's funny"? Well, this transcends "So bad, it's funny" and ends up just being horrible.

Okay, first things first. Upon renting or viewing any Hulk Hogan movie, one should never set their sights very high. You have the constants of bad acting, senseless and cartoonish violence, and groan-worthy puns. You can also pretty much expect a super-contrived happy ending. However, even taking these aspects for granted, Santa with Muscles still will leave you stunned. It isn't quite the worst movie I've ever seen (Manos, Hootch County, and Ninja Wars beat it there) but it's definitely down there.

The Hulkster stars as Blake Thorne, a big dumb prig with more money than he knows what to do with, so he spends his days playfully tormenting his house-servants. (The 'Stop and smell the roses!' line is a hoot!) Through a ludicrous turn of events, Blake gets amnesia and is convinced by a jerk named Lenny that he is the real Santa Claus. Hijinks, fistfights and eye-rolling sappiness ensue. Watch for two-count 'em-TWO instances of giant candy canes being used as weapons, a horrible song by Hulk and the little whiny girl, the equally stupid 'Blake's rules' and 'Santa's rules', and what is perhaps the most ridiculous McGuffin I've ever seen-but I'll leave that for you to discover.

I can only recommend Santa with Muscles if you happen to have great patience and a high threshold of pain. I wondered about half-way through, "Has this been over 2 hours yet?"...but despite what you may feel it is only a bit over 1 1/2. Not a very merry way to spend your Christmas.

And then you will reach for the nearest dull razor, or butterknife on your property and attempt to gouge your eyeballs out. I've heard through word of mouth how aweful this "film" was, which inspired me to make a bid for it on an internet auction. I should have known I was in over my head when "free, or best offer" was the opening bid. Paintball with the cops, fierce battles using styrophome candy canes, exploding crystals, an orphanage with only 3 kids-this "movie" has it all. If you have the opportunity to give this one as a gift, go for it. That lucky someone in your life will be begging for coal this coming holiday season.

This just goes to show that Hogan is a bad on the big screen as he is in the squared circle. How this film could ever have been commishoned is beyond belief.

I hope someone was fired or even tortured for the production of this film.

It is only a shame that the scoring system on the vote doesn't start at 0 because 1 is far to good for this film. This goes to show that Hogan should never be allowed to make any films EVER EVER AGAIN.

Thanks for your time and please don't ever feel the need to watch this film to win a bet or if you are contemplating suicide. It will push you over the edge.

Is to use any and all copies of this film as Yule Logs, though it would likely leave a lingering stench for weeks to come. Everyone has summed up this film pretty accurately; it makes the Christmas turkey that Scrooge bought for Bob Crachit look like a spring chicken. The film stars that great thespian Hulk Hogan. He has made some pretty awful films, but even he should have used an alias for this one. Not to be missed is his costume, which is pure Village People Santa (it's a shame they didn't record a song about the holiday joy of sitting on Santa with Muscle's lap). Granted, I am not a geologist, but any crystals that have the ability to explode if barely jostled can be used for sword fights later on in the film, well, your script editors have some continuity issues. Remember the old saying, that if you put 1000 monkeys into a room with 1000 typewriters, that one of them will eventually write Shakespeare? They might not get to Shakespeare, but this film is evidence that they will churn out a steaming pile of reindeer crap. If you truly want to spread Christmas cheer, get yourself a caroling book and a few friends and hit the streets. The only thing this film is good for is as a substitute for coal in a Christmas stocking.