- Stephanie: Respect! I wrote a haiku about respect. And the moon!
- Josh: You can't run away from these people. In five years... they'll be your family. In ten years... they'll be your family.
- Laura Chartoff: If these are the best years of my life, I must have some serious third degree burns in my future.
- Keith: I think we know who is responsible for this!
- Laura Chartoff: Me? You gotta be kidding! If I count to ten, will you disappear?
- Keith: You watch your mouth, young lady, or no Hawaii.
- Laura Chartoff: Gee, then I'd better not say what a complete dickhead you're being!
- Laura Chartoff: Did you know it's estimated that by the year 2000, one out of every three people will be a member of my family?
- [after Keith has taken away her trip to Hawaii]
- Laura Chartoff: Fine! I quit this family. I hope you choke on poi! I hope your leis shrivel up and die! I hope Don Ho's show REALLY SUCKS!
- Laura Chartoff: Why torture yourself when life will do it for you. Who said that? I did! Go ahead and quote me.
- Laura Chartoff: He's the nicest guy though, ask anyone, but the thing is, he's almost 40, looks like he's 30, thinks like he's 20, and acts like he's 10. He's fun to play board games with.
- Laura Chartoff: [to the Courtney Love look-alike after she knocked her to the canvas for ripping up her diary] You're not so tough. Jerk!
- [first lines]
- Laura Chartoff: This gets kinda confusing, so I made this tape to help you out.
- [shows the viewer a video of her extended family, introducing each member in order of appearance on the video]
- Laura Chartoff: Once upon a time, my mom and dad and lived happily ever after. Yeah, right! More like eight miserable years and a messy divorce. Children, this is your modern fairy tale -- less simple, and with lawyers. So Dad, moves to San Francisco with her, my first stepmother. I forgot her name, I know that sounds strange, but for a while my dad dated everyone and their stewardess, and he drank, and instead of waking up with tattoos, he woke up with wives. Oops, here's another one! Gotta be quick in this family. You can just call them The Lost Bimbos. I do. Mom was married to this guy for two days; Mom's microwave marriage. Turns out they only vowed to love, honor and cherish over the weekend. Still with me? Next, Mom meets Keith Powers. Anyway, he's a rich widower with three kids and two Porsches. Wedding... wedding... wedding... Unfortunately, this one lasts, so I get two stepbrothers and one stepsister. And, of course, two step-Porsches. Here they are: Josh, he's the nice one, but he ran away. Kurt, I try to avoid him, but he's difficult. Ah, my beloved stepsister Corrine. She's fourteen; isn't she sweet? Let me show you that again...
- [rewinds video and replays Corrine mouthing "Do you mind? I'm on the phone!"]
- Laura Chartoff: But why stop there? Bottom of the ninth -- oops, someone's tubes come untied, and out comes my half-brother Sam. Here he is with his best and only friend, his computer. Meanwhile, back in San Francisco, Dad gets lucky and marries Barbara, the stepmom I actually like. There she is right there. And eventually, I have a half-sister Jessica. Then Dad gets unlucky, gets caught cheating, and gets kicked out. This "happily ever after" thing just isn't a big seller these days. I know what you're thinking: we're like the antichrist of the Brady Bunch. But hang in there, it gets worse. Meet Stephanie; I just did. She's half my dad's age and they're living together, and -- you guessed it -- twins! Pretty interesting.
- [exits frame, then re-enters and addresses the viewer again]
- Laura Chartoff: Did you know it's estimated by the year 2000, one out of every three people will be a member of my family?
- [last lines]
- Laura Chartoff: As someone once said, "Why torture yourself, when life can do it for you?" Who said that? I did. Go ahead and quote me.
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