- Jessie: [Mark's having a nightmare where zombies are surrounding the house] Mark, what do they want?
- Mark Bannister: They want... to stay here!
- Jessie: Oh Mark, why?
- Mark Bannister: I don't know. Maybe we're in some vacation guide for the damned.
- Bernice: I need your opinion on something here. These are my favorite names for the baby so far: "Amaretta," "Caramel," or "Treblinka."
- Claudia: You yokel, naming your baby after a German concentration camp!
- Bernice: I thought Treblinka was one of those cute little fairies from Cinderella.
- Claudia: You moron!
- Bernice: I hope my water breaks all over your fur coat!
- Claudia: He barely knows I'm alive, he cut my allowance.
- Jessie Bannister: He cut her allowance, honey!
- Mark Bannister: To what? $9000.00 a month?
- Claudia: He makes me drive his old Jaguar.
- Jessie Bannister: Now, Claudia, some people have worse problems.
- Claudia: Like who?
- Jessie Bannister: Like people who don't have cars.
- Claudia: Who cares about them!
- [all the guests are lined up outside the bathroom; C.K. emerges, Claudia goes in and shuts the door]
- Claudia: You repulsive little midget! Next time, *flush*!
- C.K.: It's just so boring here.
- Mark Bannister: Now you listen to me, you psychotic little shit. You either get your act together, or you're gonna be a face on a milk carton, you got it?
- C.K.: You touch me, I sue you.
- Mark Bannister: I got a lawyer *on retainer*!
- Jessie Bannister: How would you murder someone? If you have a question Los Angeles... then you should just ask someone else, 'cause I swear to God I don't know anymore. What am I talking about? HOUSEGUESTS! Houseguests from hell! Ladies and gentlemen, you listen to me, no, you get that snack later, you listen to me! Lock your doors! Don't answer the phone! If you have to leave the country then leave the country, but don't let them in! They may look like your mother, your father, your sister, your friend, but they're not! They're slimy! They're cockroaches! If the world was to suffer a nuclear holocaust the only surviving life form would be HOUSEGUESTS! AHHHHHHHH!
- Wes: What is this?
- [Picks something off of Mark's suit jacket]
- Wes: Is this cat hair?
- Mark Bannister: It's Felix the Rat.
- Wes: When do you get rid of these people?
- Mark Bannister: Today!
- Mark Bannister: [speaking to Claudia's husband Kaddir on the phone] Hi, Kaddir, "salaam" back at you.
- Claudia: I won't talk to him.
- Mark Bannister: [speaking to Claudia] He wanted to know if you were here.
- Claudia: Why?
- Mark Bannister: To let you know he canceled your credit cards.
- Claudia: What? That Middle-Eastern maggot! He can talk to my lawyer! The nerve of that towelhead!
- Mark Bannister: [back on the phone with Kaddir] Oh, yes, she is very upset about your little love spat, Kaddir.
- [speaking to Claudia]
- Mark Bannister: He says he will forget everything if you just go home and fix dinner for him.
- Claudia: [shouting into the mouthpiece of the phone] Oh, grind some glass, Ayatollah!
- Bernice: [from upstairs while everyone is eating downstairs] Don't worry about me having dinner. I'll just lick the crumbs off my filthy sheets!
- Bernice: [from upstairs while Jessie is trying to sneak out] Not so fast, missy! It's time to shift my butt!
- Claudia: [going over a list of eliminated rich marriage prospects] Married, turned gay, married, in jail--malpractice, dead! I'm telling you, good marriage material is getting tough to find!
- Jessie: [grabbing cans of spray paint and heading upstairs] Oh, SIS! Jesse's got a surprise for you!