Citations

Medusa: Dare to Be Truthful

Medusa: My grandmother used to say "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade!" But you can't make lemonade out of a dead dog, no matter how hard you try.

Medusa: There's the phone booth where I lost my virginity! "Memories/of the phone booths on my block." Hah-hah! There's the doughnut shop where I used to work. The owner always used to put one on his finger and wiggles his eyebrows at me. He was so twisted. Too many cruellers!

Medusa: It's lonely at the top. When I was little, I wrote a poem about it. It went: "The prettiest girl in the mirror is me, but will I still be pretty when there's no one there to see?... me? I wish upon a lucky star to put a happy face on my pain, because it hurts so much to be so cold and so alone... in the... rain."

Bobo: I want you to star in "Heidi".
Medusa: You mean like Shirley Temple "Heidi"?
Bobo: No, no. In my Heidi, see, she's all grown up. She's a fully grown woman discovering her sexuality, and she's joined the Neo-Nazi regime...
Medusa: What is this title? Do the rich thing?
Bobo: [in heavy German accent] No. Do the "REICH" thing.

Medusa: You don't understand. If I use a smaller penis it would be compromising my artistic integrity.

Medusa: What do you mean you're not coming on tour with me? I thought with the amount I was paying you I was your only patient! Come on, you have to come with me! You said I was "Borderline." I even wrote a song about it!

Medusa: C'mon, suck my toes in my documentary. Nobody's done that yet!
Shane Pencil: No way...
Medusa: Come on. I did that crappy movie you made me do, "Tokyo Trauma." You owe me!

Bobcat Goldthwait: Hey! I saw you do that, you stuck your hand down your throat and went "Bleh" when I said your show was nice!
Medusa: Oh no, no, no! I'm just having a problem with my Uvula!
Bobcat Goldthwait: Your Uvula? Hey, listen, that dirty talk may work in your songs and interviews, but I'm a family man. I could've gone to Monster Trucks tonight.

[after accidentally being electrocuted by onstage pyrotechnics]
Medusa: Ow, even my armpit hairs are burned!
Bennie: Do you know something, though? You were fabulous tonight.
Taffy: Oh yes! Oh yes, yes, yes.
Medusa: What, are you saying I do my best work when I'm being electrocuted?
Bennie: No, but I have to be honest with you... some people are saying it was the best part of the show.
Medusa: Really? Well maybe we should keep it in. But a LOT less voltage! Can you do that?

Medusa: [On phone] Well if you don't come out here and see me, I'm just going to have sex with... well, somebody, and it will be all your fault!
[Hangs up]
Medusa: Hey cameraman, what's your name?

Medusa: Hey, look, if he's dead then I'm gonna need a NEW boyfriend, right? You can't doodle with a dead noodle. Hah-hah!
Shane Pencil: Augh!
Medusa: Oh, no. There he goes! Actor man, off on another acting adventure: doo-doo-doo! He'll be back. Oh my God! Is that what Shakespeare looked like? He's a balding geek with a bad perm! I'm not doing this.

Medusa: Vanna White, Ed McMahon / Nicollette Sheridan / Mary Hart, Chuck Woolery / Are as vague as they can be. / Brooke Shields, Dawber, Pam / Personality of Spam. / Christie Brinkley, Brosnan, Pierce / Bland and boring, something fierce. / Wilson Philips love to sing and / Wreck the cover of a magazine / Daniel Quayle's brain is gone. / Debbie Gibson gives good yawn. / Kelly LeBrock thinks she's great / She's just cold boogars on a paper plate. / Why they're famous we don't know, but / Paula Abdul's gotta go. / Ladies with no point of view / Fellas who don't have a clue / If they're stars, then you can do it / Just be vague, there's nothing to it. / Vague