Junior executive at TGC Zach Shephard (Corbin Bersen) following the nervous breakdowns of one of TGC's vice presents approaches the CEO about a possible promotion. In order to get the promotion Zach must prove himself by turning around the financial situation of the Family First Bank in Hobart, Oregon. Once there, he meets the manager of Family First Dr. Grace Murdock (Shelly Long) only to find out it's not THAT kind of bank, it's a sperm bank. With options dwindling Zach arranges for a massive sale of sperm by encouraging the entire town to donate samples as part of a contest wherein whoever has the highest sperm count wins a $100,000 cash prize.
Produced and co-written by Don Klein and directed by Goerge T. Miller, Frozen Assets was independently produced and sold at the American Film Market utilizing promotional condoms that the Film Market forced the producers to clean up after the mess they made in the in the trade handouts and a real life "Stud of the Year" contest wherein participants could enter by donating sperm with the highest count winning an all expenses paid vacation to Mexico. The movie was acquired by RKO for distribution and bombed at the box office making only about $500,000 and critical reception was also dismal with Siskel and Ebert calling the film one of the worst of the year on their TV program. Frozen Assets has not seen a release beyond VHS and there's a very good reason for that, namely that Frozen Assets is awful.
The movie's more or less your standard "big city guy gets transferred to small eccentric town" narrative with all the cliches that entails with the movie instead primarily built upon its gags which are about as hackneyed as you can get from the moment are first gag with a man wearing underwear on his head and screaming at the top of his lungs into multiple phones setting the stage for the brainless stupidity that follows. The movie tries for many gags and bungles every one of them because try as they might this small town sperm bank isn't nearly as funny as the filmmakers seem to think it is despite their efforts to bash their humor into the audience with the subtlety of a sledgehammer. Even from a technical perspective, the editing, staging, and filmmaking feel very cheap and amateurish with the level feeling like that of a TV sitcom (I can't imagine how poorly this would've played on a theater screen.
Frozen Assets is a terrible comedy that just isn't funny. It's humor is all very base, low brow, and poorly timed, and the characters never act like human beings as they oversell their delivers to an abrasive and annoying degree.
