Hard Ticket to Hawaii

First there was the Bicycle Thief, then Citizen Kane, Gone With the Wind, Doctor Zhivago, Gahndi, and now Hard Ticket to Hawaii. Breathtaking cinematography and cunning script writing make this a must-see for all who aspire to create "films" rather than movies. Dona Spier (grossly ignored by the academy) spews forth her lines with an enthusiasm unseen since the great Shakespearean actresses of the 18th century. Andy Sidaris is a shrewd judge of talent and is horribly underestimated, as his films are usually ignored at the Cannes and Aspen film festivals. I rate this a 10.

One of the hottest looking "actresses" ever. Lots of nudity, even when they have clothing on they are usually running around and wear very sexy outfits so it's still pretty cool. Despite the obvious appeal because of the babes, this movie is filled lots of action and is fun too watch. Not exactly on the level of Citizen Kane, but hey who cares, Orson Wells never looked this good!

With Hard Ticket to Hawaii, writer/director Andy Sidaris truly laid down the template he would forever follow. It wasn't his first movie, that was Malibu Express (1985), but that one unusually had a detective narrative and male lead. Of course, it also had lots of pleasingly excessive nudity involving a selection of busty beauties. Sidaris retained that latter element but refocused the plot where the protagonists were hot female action heroines. And so with Hard Ticket to Hawaii, Sidaris created his babes, bullets and explosions sub-genre. The story has two very hot women operate an airplane cargo delivery service in Hawaii. A large, toxic snake they are delivering escapes and they get mixed up in a scheme involving criminals and a cache of diamonds. Much entertainment follows.

I've seen all the Sidaris movies and I can say with some certainty that the aforementioned first two films in his filmography are his very best. And Hard Ticket to Hawaii is definitely his ultimate classic. It has all the elements of all his other films but it has more. Like the others, it's an action flick with the great idea of predominantly featuring 80's Playmates and it also has a commendable focus on beautiful breasts, with lots of somewhat basic acting and ropey dialogue to top things off. It even features some stalwarts of future Sidaris movies such as the gorgeous trio of Dona Speir, Hope Marie Carlton and Cynthia Brimhall, plus the acting colossus that is Rodrigo Obregon. And yet, it's the extra details that we have on top of this that elevate this one into classic status.

For a start, there are just more interesting things going on. Where most Sidaris movies have pretty forgettable plot-lines, this one sticks in the mind. We have a fairly routine bad guys versus good guys set-up but running alongside this there is the plot strand about the monstrous snake made toxic by infection by cancerous rats. Its pure psychotronic nonsense of the first order of course but quite brilliantly entertaining nonsense. We also have a transvestite hit-man, a skateboarding assassin with inflatable doll, a female bodybuilder interrogator, a razor-tipped Frisbee and a finale so hilariously over-the-top, it's frankly genius. The latter involves, amongst other things, a ludicrously over-extended death scene, a snake bursting out of a toilet, a bazooka and a motorbike crashing through a wall. If you can't enjoy this I feel sorry for you. And plus points have to automatically be given to any film where two beautiful women declare that they 'do their best thinking in the hot tub'. I like too how, despite celebrating their bodies, in Sidaris movies the women are always portrayed as resourceful and kick-ass and never dumb.

This is the one truly must-see Sidaris film. It feels like he threw everything at it and just added every idea he came up with regardless of how insane it was. He never really topped it ever again but then no one else has ever made a film of this particular type any better either. One of the all-time great 80's b-movies.

The members of the academy have selected this film into our Hall of Fame mainly on the physical attributes of Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton. These two lovely ladies make a (have a) wonderful pair and their camaraderie give this film a uplifting spirit seldom seen (think Newman & Redford). Throw in the changing clothes scene of Cynthia Brimhall and the topless walk-thru by Patty Duffek and the mix is complete. This is the first entry of the Sidaris spy-action movies with this ensemble. It is also the best work by Speir and Carlton in terms of acting without the threat of costumes stealing the scene. So grab a brew and watch this piece from start to the closing credits where the nude scenes are reshown (a wonderful final tribute thanks to the genius of Andy Sidaris).

You must know by now that "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is filled with humorous violence and gorgeous women.The violence doesn't feel cruel or personal. It's more of a device for telling a real story. The Playboy models in scanty outfits are a celebration of the human form, not pornography.

My father and brother would watch this movie together. They knew the plot and lines well enough to recite them, along with the actors. The movie bled over into real life, and they would say the lines to each other when the moment felt right.

As my father descended into terminal Alzheimer's disease, this film was his one last link with reality. Watching this film would bring him out of his stupor, and he would become verbal again.

Now that Father is gone, the entire family watches this movie once a year,on Christmas Eve. We make eggnog, eat fruitcake, and wear sweaters. And cry some, too.