- Adam: What are your qualifications?
- Beetlejuice: Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified?
- Beetlejuice: [after kicking down a model tree] Nice fuckin' model!
- [why he can't tell Lydia his name]
- Beetlejuice: Because if I tell you, you'll tell your friends, your friends are callin' me on the horn all the time, I gotta show up at shopping centers for openings and sign autographs and shit like that and it makes my life a *hell*. Okay? A living hell.
- Juno: What's wrong?
- Barbara: We're very unhappy.
- Juno: What did you expect? You're dead!
- Adam: You can see us without the sheets?
- Lydia: Of course I can see you.
- Adam: Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?
- Lydia: Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual". I myself am strange and unusual.
- Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
- Lydia: Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?
- Beetlejuice: Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.
- Lydia: Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.
- Beetlejuice: No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased...
- Lydia: Are you a ghost, too?
- Beetlejuice: I'm a ghost with the most, babe.
- Beetlejuice: [Trying to get Lydia to guess his name, he makes a beetle appear] Hi! How are ya' ?
- Lydia: [Gasps] Ahhhh, B-Beetle!
- Beetlejuice: Ah, OK! Now, two...
- Lydia: [Conjures a glass of orange juice that pours into a glass] Uhhh, Breakfast... Orange... Orange Beetle... Uh, Beetle Fruit... Beetle Breakfast... Uhhh, Beetle Drink... Uh Beetle, uhh, uhh, uhhh... Beetle Juice?
- Beetlejuice: Yes! That's it!
- Lydia: Your name's "Beetle Juice"?
- Beetlejuice: Ahh, you said it twice. Just say it once more, come on!
- Lydia: It was you, wasn't it?
- Beetlejuice: What? Me?
- Lydia: The snake.
- Beetlejuice: No, what snake? You kids and your imaginations. Just say it!
- Lydia: No... I want to talk to Barbara.
- Beetlejuice: No, you don't need to talk to Barbara. JUST SAY IT!
- Dumb Football Player: Coach. Coach, where's the men's room?
- Juno: I'm not your coach! He survived!
- Very Dumb Football Player: Wait, Coach, let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?
- Juno: Will you get out of here! Go on, get downstairs! "'Men's room!" Are you kidding? Can't you read signs?
- Beetlejuice: Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.
- [Evaluating her new home]
- Delia: A little gasoline... blowtorch... no problem.
- Bernard: Otho, I didn't realize you were into the supernatural.
- Otho: Well, of course! You remember, after my stint with the Living Theatre I was one of New York City's leading paranormal researchers until the bottom dropped out in '72.
- Beryl: [cynically] Paranormal - is that what they're calling your kind these days?
- Otho: Don't mind her. She's still upset because somebody dropped a house on her sister.
- Beetlejuice: [finishing his used-car style commercial] And remember...
- [sings and hops back and forth]
- Beetlejuice: I'll eat anything you want me to eat. I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow. But, come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! Arroooo!
- [in the waiting room of the afterlife]
- Barbara: Adam, is this what happens when you die?
- Receptionist: This is what happens when *you* die.
- [points at a gaunt man smoking]
- Receptionist: That is what happens when *he* dies.
- [points at a woman cut in half on the sofa reading]
- Receptionist: And that is what happens when *they* die. It's all very personal. And I'll tell you something: if I knew then what I know now...
- [shows her slit wrists]
- Receptionist: ...I wouldn't have had my little accident.
- [the dead people laugh]
- Barbara: [after Jane did not hear Adam call her] She didn't see you, right?
- Adam: Unh-uh.
- Barbara: [reading the handbook] In the book: "Rule Number Two: the living usually won't see the dead".
- Adam: 'Won't' or 'can't'?
- Barbara: It just says 'won't'. God, this book is so stupid. I can't understand anything in it.
- [Adam takes the book and closes it]
- Adam: Barb, honey... we're dead. I don't think we have very much to worry about anymore.
- Beetlejuice: [after Lydia says his name three times] It's showtime!
- Lydia: [Lydia is writing a suicide note] I am alone.
- [throws paper away and starts over]
- Lydia: I am *utterly* alone.
- Beetlejuice: [to Lydia, about the owner of the finger he pulled out of a wedding ring] I'm tellin' ya, honey, she meant nothin' to me. Nothin' at all!
- Preacher: And you, do you, Lydia, take this man...?
- Lydia: [Interrupting] No! Beetle...
- Beetlejuice: [covers Lydia's mouth with his hand] She's a little bit nervous. Uh, maybe I should answer for her, okay?
- [speaks in Lydia's voice]
- Beetlejuice: I'm Lydia Deetz and I'm of sound mind. The man next to me is the one I want. You asked me, I'm answering. Yes, I love that man of mine.
- Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your wedded wife?
- Beetlejuice: [Runs off to the side mumbling to himself] Oh geez, I don't know. I mean, it's kind of a big decision isn't it? I mean, I always said if I ever did it, I was gonna do it once and that was it. Oh, well.
- [Runs back to the altar and stands next to Lydia]
- Beetlejuice: Sure, yeah. Go ahead.
- Adam: Can you be scary?
- Beetlejuice: Oh, thanks for asking
- [turns around, imitates jerking-off]
- Beetlejuice: . Can I be scary? What do you think of this?
- [makes a horrific image we don't see]
- Beetlejuice: You like it?
- Adam: You've read our book?
- Lydia: Yeah.
- Adam: You can follow it?
- Lydia: Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?
- Adam: We were trying to scare your mother.
- Lydia: Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
- Lydia: [while eating Cantonese food] I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.
- Charles: As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement, okay?
- Lydia: My whole life is a dark room. One big dark room.
- Delia: So you were miserable in New York City, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.
- [last lines]
- [in the waiting room, Betelgeuse is sitting next to a witch doctor who is next in line]
- Beetlejuice: Pardon me. Did you do that?
- [points to an explorer with a shrunken head]
- Beetlejuice: That's very nice work. Let me ask you something. How do you get them so sma...? Hey, there goes Elvis! Yo, King!
- [as the doctor looks away, Betelgeuse switches numbers]
- Beetlejuice: Well, looks like I'm next. Good thing, too. I gotta do a photo shoot for GQ in about an hour and a half. Yeah, they've been after me for months. Doin' some underwear deal. I don't know what...
- [the witch doctor sprinkles some powder on Betelgeuse's head which starts it shrinking]
- Beetlejuice: [voice getting higher as head gets smaller] Whoa, hey! What are you doing? Hey, stop it! Hey, you're messing up my hair! C'mon! Whoa! Whoa! Stop it! Whoa! Hey, this might be a good look for me.
- Lydia: They don't wanna come down.
- Delia: Charles...
- Otho: Why not?
- Lydia: I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.
- Delia: Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.
- Adam: Cabin fever, hon?
- Barbara: Well, I can't clean anything properly. The vacuum's out in the garage and we can't leave the house. Why don't they tell us something? I mean, where are all the other dead people in the world? Why is it just you and me?
- Adam: Maybe this is heaven.
- Barbara: In heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything.
- Otho: [while Lydia shows them the attic] Fabulous. 'Otho Fenlock's Locked Door Ghosts' Probably committed suicide up there. I'm totally enchanted.
- Delia: They're in there? They must live like animals.
- Charles: It's locked. How'd they get in?
- Delia: [bangs on the door] Open this door, you dead people, or we'll bust it down and we'll drag you out by the ropes you hang yourselves with!
- Lydia: Shh! They didn't commit suicide.
- Delia: It doesn't matter. Lydia, I have a chance to teach you something here: you have got to take the upper hand in all situations or people, whether they're dead or alive, will walk all over you.
- Beetlejuice: I gotta card around here, somewhere. Here, here. Who do I have to kill? Here hold that for me, would ya?
- [hands Barbara a rat]
- Barbara: Whoa! AHH!
- Beetlejuice: There. There ya go.
- Adam: You don't have to kill anybody!
- Beetlejuice: Ah, possession! Good.
- Barbara: [In Betelgeuse's voice] Learn to throw your voice! Fool your friends! Fun at parties!
- Messenger: How do I look? There are no mirrors on this side.
- Adam: Fine, you look fine.
- Messenger: Yeah?
- Barbara: Fine.
- Messenger: Thanks, I've been feeling a little flat.
- [he laughs and goes through the crevice in the filing room]
- Beetlejuice: I'm just doin' my job. Besides, I thought we had a deal! Hey, it's OK. You know why? I don't wanna do business with you deadbeats anyway. The only one I think I can deal with is Edgar Allan Poe's daughter. I think she understands me.
- Beetlejuice: These aren't my rules. Come to think of it, I don't have any rules.
- Lydia: Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?
- Adam: We're ghosts!
- Lydia: What do you look like under there?
- Adam: Aren't you scared?
- Lydia: I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you "Night of the Living Dead" under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?
- Adam: Night of the what?
- Lydia: Living Dead. It's a movie.
- Barbara: You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.
- Beetlejuice: You know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing... it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem. I got these friends I said I'd meet, and it's the kind of thing where I have to be there in person, so could you help me get out of here?
- Lydia: I want to get in.
- Beetlejuice: Why?... You know, hey, you probably got your reasons. I can't do anything from here. If you could get me out, then maybe we could talk or something.
- Beetlejuice: [as Otho tries to escape] Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs!
- [he dresses Otho up in horrible, conventional clothes]
- Beetlejuice: Let's see, business section.
- [he flips to the obituary page of a newspaper]
- Beetlejuice: Ooh la la. What do we got here? The Maitlands, uh? Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too.
- Delia: This is my art, and it is dangerous! Do you think I want to die like this?
- Juno: [as Adam and Barbara come back to the afterlife] You two have really screwed up! I received word that you allowed yourselves to be photographed, and you let Betelgeuse out and didn't put him back, and you let Otho get hold of the handbook!
- Adam: Handbook? When?
- Juno: [rolls her eyes] Never trust the living! We cannot have a routine haunting like yours provide proof that there is existence beyond death.
- [On the new house]
- Lydia: Delia hates it.
- [sees a HUGE spider on a web]
- Lydia: I could live here.
- [In the afterlife waiting room]
- Receptionist: Number fifty-four million six hundred and one... Ferndoch.
- [reading The Handbook for the Living and the Dead]
- Charles: This thing reads like stereo instructions.
- [Harry Belafonte's "Shake Shake Senora" plays in the background]
- Charles: Oh, sounds like Lydia got an "A" on the math test.
- [a head sculpture of the Betelgeuse snake appears next to him]
- Charles: Jeez!
- [Charles falls out of his chair. Delia pulls the sculpture up and smiles]
- Delia: He likes it.
- Adam: [reading] 'Handbook of the Recently Diseased'.
- Barbara: ...*deceased*.
- Adam: Deceased?
- Barbara: I don't know where it came from. Look at the publisher.
- Adam: [does so] 'Handbook for the Recently Deceased Press'.
- Barbara: You know what? I don't think we survived the crash!
- [Adam and Barbara see a dark room with decomposed souls]
- Barbara: Oh, Adam... What is this?
- Janitor: That's the lost souls room; a room for ghosts that have been exorcised. The poor devils. That's death for the dead. It's all in the handbook.
- [he closes the shade of the room]
- Janitor: Keep moving.
- Beetlejuice: [to Charles and Delia] Mom, Dad. I just want you two to know, you're welcome at our house anytime you want to come over. In the meantime, the dowry's on me, dad.
- [gives Charles a handful of snakes]
- Barbara: [to Adam] What's the good of being a ghost if you can't frighten people away?
- Barbara: What's wrong?
- Lydia: Beetle...
- Barbara: Shhh!
- Lydia: HE told me that if I could let him out, he would take me to the other side to find you.
- Barbara: Lydia, we're dead.
- Lydia: Well, I want to be dead too.
- Barbara: No! Lydia, being dead really doesn't make things any easier.
- Adam: Listen to her on this, Lydia, this is something we know a lot about!
- Adam: How is it that you can see us but nobody else can?
- Lydia: Well, I read in that "Handbook For The Recently Deceased". It says, "Live people ignore the strange and unusual." I, myself, am strange and unusual.
- Barbara: You look like a regular girl to me.
- Beetlejuice: [as a snake] We've come for your daughter, Chuck.
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