Massacre à L'Hôpital

"Hospital Massacre" is a pretty low aiming shot in the mid 1980's slasher stakes, and it has so many crappy moments in it that you should have a good laugh while watching it. Basically, glamour model Barbi Benton plays Susan Jeremy, a woman who pops into hospital for some routine test results only to find that she can't get out again. This is because a maniac with a serious grudge against her is blocking all escape routes and won't stop until he gets what he wants!

Now let me say that the film isn't all bad, but what really doesn't work is the hilarious implausibility of the "situation" that Susan finds herself in. As soon as the killer knows she is in the hospital, he plants some bogus test results in her file, and from this point onwards all the other hospital staff treat Susan like a dangerous and/or mentally deranged powder keg who must be detained at all costs. Thus we see a perfectly normal woman forced into straps and restraints, slammed into locked wards, subjected to humiliating examinations and, of course, in between all that she's being pursued by a masked killer. Now the film makes quite good use of the hospital location for some good murders, but this supposed inescapability I just did not swallow. Anyway, for even more fun, let me list a few of the really outrageous goofs this film thinks it can get away with. Susan actually leaves her boyfriend in the car waiting while she pops into the hospital for "a few minutes". Amazingly, several hours go by and darkness falls before he even comes to look for her! Next watch out for a side-splitting scene when Susan hides behind a portable screen on wheels just inches away from the killer. Watch as she drops a lighter on the floor and retrieves it with her foot while the killer stares right at the screen without out seeing anything. The screen even has about 12" of space below it where Susan's legs can clearly be seen. Oh sorry she also pulls the material aside to peer through the screen at him, and he doesn't see that either. Next watch for the notorious examination scene where Susan is stripped naked and felt up all over by a doctor in a supposedly sinister fashion. NO WAY would this ever be tolerated or handled in such a sleazy manner in a real hospital. Plus, save your breath for the scene in which a fleeing Susan bursts into a room full of patients in traction, who all spring to life and writhe their tethered, bandaged bodies around like it's a scene from some kind of purgatory. Why? I don't know. There's no reason at all for this shot, expect to put something bizarre to look at into the running time.

I'll say this though, Barbi Benton is not bad in the role of Susan. She screams well enough and is attractive to look at throughout. Shame that the script gives her so many stupid, dumb things to do and never once is there a moment when she decides to just leave the building (it's not a prison, fer crying out loud).

Luckily the murders are pretty good fun and the general looniness of the whole thing definitely makes it fun. Just forget logic and you'll enjoy it.

Hospital Massacre (1982)

** 1/2 (out of 4)

Incredibly strange, over-the-top and at times downright crazy slasher about a young woman who sees her best friend murdered after they laugh at a boy who left her a Valentine's Day card. Flash-forward nineteen years and the now woman (Barbi Benton) is at the hospital for a check up when a madman begins killing everyone trying to get to her. HOSPITAL MASSACRE, also known as X-RAY and several other titles, is a pretty poor movie that has so many unintentionally laughable moments that you really can't help but have fun with it. Director Boaz Davidson has said that he didn't know too much about the genre and had never made a slasher so he was pretty much just throwing everything in that he could. This includes all sorts of silly "jump" sequences, which are just downright silly at times and even worse is how everything gets drawn out to the point where you just get tired of watching it. There are simply way too many sequences where scenes keep on going and going when they should have been much shorter. A bit more editing probably would have made the film much more entertaining. There are some things here that are good and this includes the gore. The film contains a pretty large amount of blood especially for a film of this era when most were being cut up by the MPAA. Another memorable thing is the "performance" as the killer because it's just so crazy and over-the-top that you can't help but laugh at times. Still, the weirdness of the character certainly makes you remember him. Benton is decent in the role and manages to show off her Playmate breasts during a rather awkward examination sequence. The rest of the performances are certainly below par but they add to some of the laughs. HOSPITAL MASSACRE is mainly going to appeal to those who enjoy those bad slashers of the decade. You have to leave it to Cannon as they really did deliver a pretty wild little film.

Forgive the pretentious summary, but i thought this film was effective precisely for all the elements other reviewers seemed to criticise. It IS fairly well shot (the dark bits are hard work) and the editing's sharp. With a big bombastic orchestral score and lots of OTT moments, this is a cheesy film with plenty of daft false scares and the like, but it's quite nightmarish too. The clichéd parts are tensely handled. Maybe I'm desensitized to bad cinema at the moment, having consumed plenty of terrible 80s slashers recently, but I thought this was pretty good. Little touches like the horrible old women sharing Barbi Benton's hospital ward, cackling like the witches from Macbeth, added to the absurd bad-dream quality. The murder scenes are well handled, violent and rough but not that splattery.

This film has a similar feel to something like 'Don't Answer The Phone!' or 'The Centerfold Girls', serious in intent and not really 'camp' in any way. It's obviously 'bad cinema', but artfully done.

The movie starts off with a young boy who obviously has a crush on this girl. When he sends her a valentine card, she laughs at it. This must have made the boy go psycho. Cut to the present. The girl is now a grown woman, who is going to get a routine check up at her hospital. The killer shows up at the hospital and begins to methodically slice and dice the hospital staff to get to the woman. This movie has some great suspense and atmosphere. The acting was a little below average, but the movie is too good to be missed.

Early entry into the 80s slasher film craze is surprisingly decent and is one of the few times Golan-Globus Productions ("Invasion U.S.A," "Breakin'," "Revenge of the Ninja," etc.) made a slasher picture. The opening prologue has an unpopular boy named Harold leaving a Valentine's Day card on the doorstep for pretty girl Susan. Susan and her friend find the card, laugh about it, and crumple up the Valentine. Unbeknownst to them, Harold has been watching the whole time. While Susan is getting some cake from the kitchen, she returns to her friend murdered while the creepy Harold stares at her through the window before running off. That's all the set-up you need for this slasher film, which the adult Susan, played by former playmate Barbi Benton, visits the hospital one day for some test results where she is stalked by an adult Harold who is still in love with her. From there, the bodycount continues to grow and just about every male in the hospital might be Harold (it seems like this hospital almost exclusively hired by creepy dudes). Directed and co-written by schlockmeister Boaz Davidson, who's made charming garbage since the 70s like "The Last American Virgin" all the way until today with lame films like "Mega Snake" and "Leatherface" (though he's also produced some classier films like "The Expendables," Rambo 4," and the underrated "Drive Angry"). The plot, characters, and story are pretty non-existent, but Davidson does deliver a good number of suspenseful and creepy hospital themed horrors, particularly an uncomfortable exam of Benton by a creepy doctor that seems to last forever. The film's bloody finale is also quite memorable. There are some slow parts in the second act of the film that drag, but it's not a bad film if you're in the mood for a throwback style slasher that you may have missed. FUN FACT! The film was photographed by Nicholas Josef von Sternberg, son of famed director Josef von Sternberg ("The Blue Angel" "Morocco" "Shanghai Express").