Meatcleaver Massacre

The one and only reason why "Meatcleaver Massacre" hasn't vanished into complete obscurity and oblivion just yet is solely the fault of Christopher Lee. This living horror legend appears as the narrator at the beginning and ending of this film and afterwards attempted to initiate a lawsuit against the producers because he wasn't aware for what movie he was hired to narrate. Well, when comparing Lee's monologues to the actual content of the film, I definitely do believe he didn't have a clue about what for the footage would eventually be used for. The narrations at the beginning & end are completely irrelevant to the film's actual substance. Christopher Lee, reliable and stern-voiced as ever, compellingly proclaims wonderful stories about the strength of the soul and how it can be a foreteller of great things to come. I particularly enjoyed the parable about the soul of great knight leaving its host while he was asleep and then afterwards leading him to great undiscovered treasures. Or the cute little saga at the end, about two sorcerers engaging in a magic showdown and gradually involving the entire world. In other words, I actually enjoyed listening to Christopher Lee a lot more than I did watching the mediocre middle-section of the film. If this man would have lectured at my university, perhaps I would have attended some more of the classes. But in all honesty, the rest of the film isn't as bad as reputed to be. "Meatcleaver Massacre" – which doesn't contain any sequences with meat cleavers whatsoever – is a standard and derivative story about spiritual retribution, occult summoning and teenage hoodlums. Professor at college and expert in demonology Dr. Cantrell embarrasses one of his students, tough kid Mason Harrue, in front of his friends. The kid is obviously quite offended because he promptly recruits three of his docile friends to pay a nightly visit to the professor's house. The gang sadistically murders the professor's wife, son, daughter and dog. The dog's name was Poopers, so I guess the poor thing is better off dead. Prof. Cantrell himself survives the attack – though just barely – but has enough strength left to summon an avenging demon from his hospital bed. The demon, which remains invisible throughout in order to save budget and because probably nobody knew what it should look like, imaginatively ticks off the assailants one by one but keeps something extra special in store for Mason. "Meatcleaver Massacre" is a largely unoriginal film with several tedious moments and amateurish production values, but I've seen movies that are a lot worse. The dialogs are quite hilarious ("The professor is lying in his coma like a carrot") and the murder sequences are pretty decent (especially the head-crushed under car hood moment). All in all, this is still a much better film than "Funny Man" in which – to my recollection – Christopher Lee appeared voluntarily!

Hi and welcome to my review of Meatcleaver Massacre.

The story gets a 1.5 out of 2: Keith Burns and Ray Atherton produce a solid occult horror story of revenge. It's a shame the production company decided it wasn't enough and tagged on an Intro and Outro by legendary Christopher Lee. And, in all honesty, these segments were not required. What was essential was more substance; in both characters and story. For example, why did the other kids follow the "bad seed" and attack the Professor's family? What hold did the guy have over them? Also, additional scenes with the doomed household would have helped the audience better associate with them. Relating to the family would add extra shock to their gruesome demise. A lot of time is wasted on Mr Lee's segments when it should have bettered the story and film. What a waste.

The Direction and Pace receive a 2 out of 4: Evan Lee is a more than adequate director, though there are a few times when the film suffers from slow pacing. There are some well-composed shots. I especially loved the sequence where one of the killers finds himself alone in the desert. Lee shoots this segment superbly. My favourite shot is of the guy standing up. In the foreground, we have darkened dunes. When he stands up, he's noticeable in his white shirt. While in the background, you have grey and dark grey cacti in silhouette. It's the kind of shot a photographer dreams of snapping. Lee could easily have directed a movie of an hour and a half: Had the story been up to scratch.

The Acting gets a 1 out of 2: Here's a strange thing. Lee doesn't use the best actors and actresses in the right roles. There are minor parts in this film that are stronger in their portrayals than the more major ones. The mismatch is a shame as it adds an awkward feel to the film. I found myself thing a couple of times, why wasn't she playing her? Why was he in that role? Unfortunately, this brings you out of the movie.

And, my Enjoyment level hits a 1 out of 2: I absolutely hate that they used Christopher Lee to boost bums on seats. Because I chiefly sought this movie for the very reason. When I realised what was happening, I was angered and a tad deflated. These feelings doubled when I realised the story wasn't terrible. MM would have been a decent movie, in its own right, had the tome been afforded the proper attention. Along with the issues mentioned above, it made Meatcleaver Massacre a mediocre movie.

These ratings give Meatcleaver Massacre a total of 5.5 out of 10:

For all the filmmakers out there, watch this film and then discard any ideas of carrying out a similar process. It doesn't work. As for all the Horror Flick Fans, MM is a watch once and throw away film. Though, only do this after you've exhausted all your other choices.

Slash your way over to my Chiller Thriller Killer and Absolute Horror lists to see where the Meatcleaver penetrated my rankings. And, to find those better films.

Take Care & Stay Well. Get Inoculated.

What kind of college curriculum involves lectures on the occult, the professor muttering Satanic incantations in the dark while projecting details from a gory 15th-century painting of the avenging demon Morak, destroyer of destroyers?

Amazingly, Professor Cantrell's rather irregular course on demonology seems to be popular with his students, apart from Mason Harrue (Larry Justin), who isn't happy about being pressured to turn in a term paper on the subject. To teach Cantrell a lesson, Mason and his gang break into the professor's home and slaughter his family, leaving the teacher in a semi-vegetative state, unable to speak.

Mason and his thrill-kill pals think they have gotten away with murder, but they shouldn't have messed with an expert in the occult: even in his debilitated condition, Cantrell is able to summon Morak and send the demon to seek retribution.

Behind this film's sensational title lies a tedious piece of amateurish trash that doesn't even have the good grace to feature a meat cleaver. The opening mean-spirited murders promise something wonderfully gritty and grimy, but the remainder of the film is simply boring, the deaths of the gang members unimaginative and frustratingly lacking in gore. The direction by Keith Burns (going by the pseudonym of Evan Lee) is lifeless, and his actors are, without exception, wooden and unconvincing. According to Wikipedia. Burns was replaced by legendary craptastic director Ed D. Wood Jr, which speaks volumes about Burns' film-making skills.

For movie masochists who decide to give this one a whirl, there are two versions available: the original cut, which goes by the title Hollywood Meatcleaver Massacre, and a shorter, re-released version with the title Meatcleaver Massacre, which features a prologue and epilogue by Christopher Lee, shot for an entirely different movie! Either way, the film sucks.

1.5/10, rounded up to 2 for the hilarious ending in which Morak, depicted as a three-eyed monster with massive fangs in the painting, turns out to be a hairy man covered in green slime.

This Faux Prequel to Patrick, Old Chief Wood'nhead and Pumpkinhead, was just as you expect and little more. It got confusing at times, but I just kept reminding myself: This is just Patrick, Old Chief Wood'nhead and Pumpkinhead and it's probably not the first of its kind. Never heard about it until this morning and at only 85 minutes, I regret little.

Actually, Christopher Lee IS here, in a way. He is sitting at a desk and spouting some mystical hocus-pocus at the beginning and the end of the film. I was about to say "I hope he enjoyed a nice paycheck for this", but then I read the trivia section for this movie on IMDb and it seems that the exploitation of his name to fool the paying audience was not his idea and was done without his permission. Anyway, "Meat Cleaver Massacre" doesn't have enough story to support a feature-length film, and the killings are not interesting, memorable or explicit enough. As for the actors, I doubt most of them ever worked again in another film. Avoid this schlock, even if you are an avid horror fan. (*1/2)