Tie jin gang da po zi yang guan

As a fan of bad movies (and MST3K, and a member of MFT3K), I must say I've seen my share of them. But geez! Even the worst I've seen at least had a soundtrack. As George Lazenby stiffly wanders around Hong Kong, doing who knows what, you can guarantee that you won't be distracted by any of that background music that fills todays cinema. Or any of that music that fills elevators. I don't think anyone in this film even hums.

Now, this isn't entirely true -- there *is* a sound track. if you listen closely, you will hear it chime in about a half-dozen times through the course of the film. Of course, the timing will be entirely inappropriate, and it doesn't last very long, but something that could be classified as "music" does occur. Your best bet, though, is to sit your toddler armed with a wooden spoon down in front of the TV with a collection of pots and pans while you watch. The rhythm and flow would be better than anything the film offers.

Keep an eye out for Sammo Hung as a minor villian in this film. Aren't we all glad he found Jackie Chan to work with?

How does one dare to describe the pure majestic brilliance of this outlandish chunk of cinematic history in just one essay? Holy smokes, I'll give it a shot. Superlative, majestic, confronting, heart renching and above all really good and stuff are just some of the adjectives I will use to describe this emotional rollercoaster of a 35mm brilliance. I was so excited when I first saw Stoner, that I punched my elderly neighbour in the back of the head. Move over Steven, step aside Martin and go home Quentin, Feng Huang is here and he means business. From go to whoa this film packs non stop underpant exploding action that'll have you begging your best mate's auntie for more. Apparently this film was so popular in Amsterdam, that men started shaving off their eyebrows and colouring their armpits with lipstick in a effort to emulate Lazenby's modern-day Hamlet, Detective Stoner. Thank god Jack Palance turned down the role of Stoner or we would not have been treated to such a enigmatic foray into the world of contemporary cinema from The Georgie Lazmeistser. All in do you self a favour, buy yourself some cheetos and a bottle of Distilled Water and treat yourself to a night-in of hard-core provocative entertainment. 3 thumbs up, Cheers George, thanks for the good times. Keep on trucking you crazy cat.

...perhaps I ought say "distilled" rather than refined - this film embodies the concentrated essence of the trashy 70s action flick, a heady brew for the irony-poisoned minds of today's trash conisseur's minds (e.g. mine).

"Stoner" (as it was labelled at my local rental store) opens with a shot of an urbanely smug 'Asian drug lord' kicking back in his office. The walls are all red, his desk perpetually rotates, and there's a big map on the wall covered in flashing lights. The mere shock of the decor alone sets the tone for the remainder of the movie - jerky fight scenes, needless sexploitation, and pornstar swaggering all drenched in polyester and enveloped in a funky soundtrack punctuated with some very strange moog.

Needless to say, it's hilarious. George Lazenby, incidentally, proves himself pretty useless throughout the film, both in-character and out-. The real star is Angela Mao, rolling her eyes about furiously and kicking arse in the surprisingly good final fight scene. I guess George's role was played up for Western release so we'd have a strutting, obnoxious white guy to relate to.

Lazenby plays Stoner, a cop who in search of a organization who makes "the love pill" that is killing and spreading the market in Australia. Angela Mao only has a supporting part for top billing, so it makes me wonder if she is the lead (with more footage) in the HK version. The dubbing is terrible, but good action scenes helps. Look for Sammo Hung and Kurata Yasuaki as the bad guys fighter.

A lot of people say that George Lazenby was the worst Bond. I thought he actually did a decent job, albeit a bit hard to fill in the shoes of Mr. Connery. However, I think majority of previously stated people said that after having seen Stoner.

This is a good time capsule piece for the 70s. Psychedelic design, funky lapels and moon dresses, and of course drugs galore. Kind of like a precursor for E? Plus, the main boss knows how to throw a party: check out those cocktail uniforms! A cop named Stoner (HA HA HA, get it?) goes around asking questions and gets beat up a lot for it. You do have to admire his tenacity though. Lazenby's fight skills are more brawling than kung fu with him mainly slapping someone's face with a backfist. Also, credit Sammo with working on the fight scenes. Although he gets his butt whooped by Lazenby (yeah RIGHT!), Sammo takes a beating well and helps make others look great.

Ah, Angela. The true femme fatale of action cinema. She was the real deal and could probably beat the crap out of you if you looked her the wrong way. But with that pretty face and sweet smile, who would ever do that? Angela's movements are so fluid that it's almost like a dance. She hits with force and I love seeing her busting heads or sending guys sprawling with her swift kicks. She's so good that even the main baddie gives a flirty smile her way. It would've been great to see her fight Betty Ting Pei, but it would've been no contest. My favorite scene has to be the cage where a lesson is learned: when Angela says no, she means NO!!

The action comes every now and then, but the finale is so awesome that you don't want it to stop. Who knew a rotating desk could be so practical? Seeing Angela fighting thugs in a room set ablaze is all you could ask for.