Legendary_Badass

It's been years since I've bothered to grace IMdB with a review (the axing of the beloved forums gives little reason to visit this site) but I must make an exception for The Open House, which is by leaps and bound the worst Netflix Original film I've seen, and I even stomached the Adam Sandler titles.

This screenplay is so inept, I would think it was aiming for comedy if it weren't taking itself as serious as a heart attack. The buffoonery starts in the opening scene where the teenage son is running down the street. He asks his father for the time, and it's 5:07. They talk about how this is going to open the doors to scholarships. Note: serious runners want time down to the hundredth of a second.

Well, dad is soon offed in a parking lot accident. So what's mom and son to do without him? The answer of course, move into aunt's vacation home in the mountains she just so happens to have on the market. You know, because exploring the "horror" behind an open house inviting strangers into YOUR home should probably have something to do with the protagonists' house being for sell and not one they're merely staying at. Instead, it's like they're on vacation and this is only one of the numerous terrible plot points.

Hope you like characters who don't talk like humans. You're going to get a lot of that in The Open House. There's the creepy neighbor who reminds the widowed mother that her husband died on meeting her. There's also an overly friendly guy working retail whose sole purpose is to be everywhere.

I hope the inept team that worked on this reads this review, if for no other reason so they can learn the following about horror: 1) Having the hot water in the shower repeatedly turn off is not scary. 2) Making multiple trips to a "scary" basement unharmed diminishes the threat. 3) Returning "home" after an open house to find a phone on the table is not scary. 4) Filling your movie with red herrings doesn't automatically make sense of the ending. 5) The one time a horror movie sets up the protagonist as a track star and he gets not payoff.

IMdB, you removed the message boards, but can you please add a feature where users can select cast and crew to a personal list which flags all their past and future work?

2009's G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was by most accounts an odd flick. The trailer left a bad taste in my mouth. The productions values didn't match the astonishing budget. The script left something to be desired. It may not have been a good movie, but it provided entertainment. Hey, the task to construct a sensible movie out of a toy line littered with sci-fi inspired vehicles and characters who shoot guns without killing each other isn't a walk in the park. It exceeded my admittedly low expectations, and even appeared to set the groundwork for an improved sequel. That sequel is G.I. Joe: Retaliation, but is it an improvement?

There aren't a lot of returning faces among the Joes, the heroic Special Forces squad tasked with saving the world. Duke (Tatum Channing) is now captain of a team, which includes Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson) and Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki). The only other returning hero is Snake Eyes (Ray Park), a ninja whose lack of countenance and vocals may as well mark him as unfamiliar. Playing off the conclusion of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, the President of the United States has been captured and replaced by a double seeking to rule the world. When the opportunity arises he strikes to wipe out the G.I. Joes.

This time around out heroes have at least one foot grounded in reality. There's no more secret base beneath the pyramids. The cavalcade of Star Wars derived vehicles have been melted for scrap, possibly to construct the contemporary-esque armor worn by the personnel. Though the costumes are awesome, this franchise isn't served well through gritty reinvention. This is no reboot, but a loose continuation akin to what The Incredible Hulk (2008) was to The Hulk (2003). A mere 15 minutes in, a highly unfortunate casting decision lets the air out of the movie, at which point chemistry takes a frag grenade to the chest.

Hard to believe it's been nearly 4 years between releases. This treatment was postponed for the addition of 3D, which this viewer neglected. It's tough enough keeping track of the action in a more traditional format. New director to the franchise, Jon M. Chu (Step Up 2: The Streets), keeps the action dizzying. Save for a stunning ninja battle across cliffs, I couldn't sense out of what I was seeing, who was shooting at what. I heralded the previous film as the best ninja action of the year. Here, I'm not fully convinced any actors completed a given move without the magic of editing. Visual effects are far more realistic, but what good are they when married to a lack of ambition?

The downsized set pieces take away what made G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra unique. So while this movie may appear up to par with bigger names on board, especially an appearance by Bruce Willis, there are few moments that push the envelope. G.I. Joe: Retaliation gets right everything the last movie did wrong, while getting wrong everything it did right. What should have been an easy upgrade becomes a push.

The Expendables 2 reunites a cadre of action hero legends for another outing. This time the elite mercenaries known as the Expendables, led by Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) embark on a mission of revenge as they attempt of thwart terrorist Villain (Jean-Claude Van Damme). But they're going to need more heroes so this time Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger), Church (Bruce Willis), and even Booker (Chuck Norris) join in.

Making good on the promise of the 2010 hit The Expendables, this sequel ups the ante in terms of carnage. Genre fans will be pleased by the near genocide of evil. There are bullet holes, explosions, blunt injuries, capitations, and even impalements which grant this movie its R rating.

Our legends are showing their mileage. The young guns, who are hovering around 40-50, get to jump, kick, dive, etc. The rest of the lot simply stand and shoot automatic rifles, with the exception of Stallone who absolutely must break a sweat in an effort to one-up the competition. For what it's worth, the action is far easier to comprehend this time as director Simon West goes for a more traditional presentation. That look carries it's own burden as The Expendables 2 appears outdated. There's no effort at slow motion or the intricate tracking shots that one expects out of a today's films. That the actors come from a different time doesn't mean the filmmaking techniques should… OK, the CGI helicopters aren't necessarily evocative of Commando.

The Expendables 2 seeks to rebel against the new hero standards which have caught the world on fire. In trying to defy the narrative set forth by the comic book adaptations, we have a series that touts real heroes but delivers cartoons. The Expendables 2 misses the opportunity to address the humanity in its non-superheroes. They don't feel the effects of aging—a better source for comedic material than the obvious resume shout-outs. Spider-Man is more realistic in how he juggles a secret life, sustains injury, and tries to win over the girl. Barney Ross could have in the least been teased over taking Centrum Silver.