Lukeydude-1

I received tickets to an advanced screening of this film last night, and the only satisfaction I experienced was in knowing I didn't pay for admission.

I wasn't expecting much in ways of a plot. After all, its nearly September, petty schlock is in, and Cole Hauser is leading. But I did expect that, given the times, there'd be some decent gore and impressive special effects. Nuh uh. Wrong on both counts.

Firstly, the picture. What went wrong? "The Cave" boasted the kind of patchy film quality that I thought had been eradicated from major motion pictures. I mean, animals can be cloned and hearts transplanted, but we haven't found a way to get decent camera work to a film like "The Cave?" Very bemusing.

Secondly, the film indulged in what I've noticed as a Hollywood trend of late: cohesive action sequences are out, and unintelligible, nauseating scenes of struggle are all too in. I mean, I had literally no idea what was happening for perhaps 50% of the movie. There was just a shot of a dark chasm, and then BAM!, cut to a clip of what is apparently a camera falling off a cliff. The one thing that might have helped this joke of a film-action and violence-is disregarded for simple nonsense and confusion. And I'll never know why.

I just want to know where studios got the idea for these camera techniques. Did they poll they're target audience, ask if they'd enjoy an unenjoyable movie, and garner enough "yes"s to go with these methods? I'll really like to read the dossier on these pollees. I'm sure they're all deceased or working for parole.

Screw the Cave.

These days, I tend to get all my movies from Blockbuster video sales. They have piles upon piles of VHS that they'll sell for either very little money or a completely expendable body part. I simply can't get enough.

It was at one of these sales that I found Bleeders. This wasn't the first time I had shopped for cheap movies, and I had already amassed a collection that included some of the all time classics ("Elves," "Jack-O"). I found Bleeders and thought it would fit in nicely with what I already had.

I wasn't so much disappointed as I was completely apathetic. I simply didn't care about Bleeders. I didn't care what happened to the townsfolk. I didn't care what happened to the increasingly ugly John Strauss. I didn't even care what happened to the Bleeders themselves.

Sure, it seems neat in theory. A pale, scrawny, utterly intolerable mainlander named John Strauss comes to a small island community looking for clues to his past. Why? I'm not really sure. Whoever he's looking for is probably just as hideous and obnoxiously dull.

Anyway, he uncovers a deadly secret in the form of the Bleeder beasts, who proceed to terrorize the town blah blah blah blah blah. It really isn't worth it to elaborate. Put simply, a story is told that could have been exciting, but is instead overacted and underproduced. While I wouldn't call it a complete failure, its shortcomings place it somewhere in the middle, where I'm sure it will quickly fade into obscurity.

I didn't turn the movie off early, but I was reading a book while it played. That's the kind of film no one needs to see.

But since I did, I suggest all of you do too. Please.

My title might just be a little misleading. Dan Haggerty is in the film, but he doesn't so much deliver as he does seem lost and alone in a fairly awful movie.

To begin, I'll point out what you've probably learned from every other "Elves" review available: There is only one Elf. Surely, you knew that already, but it simply can't be stressed enough. The fact that the movie's name itself is a lie doesn't bode well for this Christmas caper.

The plot of "Elves" is simple enough: Nazi scientists create a Elf-like super solider capable of dominating the world, though the race can only succeed if our young heroine, Kirsten, is devirginized by one of them. I mean, honestly, this is movie gold, people. Throw Grizzly Adams in the mix and you've got a film as unstoppable as the Elves themselves.

I found out myself that such an assumption is false beyond reckoning. To be sure, a story such as "Elves" is almost impossible to film without being considered a pitiful joke, but the producers should have simply avoided the project rather than drive Dan Haggerty's career even further into Hell. Much of the acting is borderline poor, though Haggerty's presence, as ex-cop Mike Mcgavin, does do something to retrieve the film's crumbling dignity. Fortunately for the cast of humans, the real star of the film, and therefore the most laughable aspect of the movie, is the Elf.

At some point during the creation of the Elves, a Nazi scientist took it upon himself to make the beasts completely and totally useless as fighting machines. It's hard to imagine an Elf even being able to feed himself, and the only way they could succeed is if their victims were either infants, seniors, or suicidal vegetables.

Well, them or anyone appearing in this movie.

You see, the "Elves" cast seems to be uniquely bred for the sole purpose of not being able to defend themselves. An Elf is scarcely two feet tall, unarmed, and almost completely blind. He isn't any faster than the average double-amputee, and has nothing approaching magical powers. It just amazes me that anyone could be killed, even bothered by an Elf.

But that's an appropriate microcosm for this film: If it doesn't really make sense, it doesn't matter, because we're "Elves" and we don't care.

Perhaps the saddest result of "Elves" was the incalculable damage done to Dan Haggerty and his career. He had warmed our hearts as "Grizzly Adams," and done some, well, mediocre work in "Repo Jake." I'm not arguing that he's a talented actor. But his big, graying beard and calm, sedated demeanor don't deserve to be exploited in alley trash like "Elves." Oh, Dan, will you ever recover?

Despite everything this movie has going against it, I had a great time watching it and have made it a habit to view it every couple of weeks. I know that seems confusing, but you have to realize that quality is hardly a prerequisite for enjoyment. I just finished writing another comment for the film "Jack-O," and an underlying theme in these two reviews is that a movie like this will be enjoyed by people like me: those who revel in garbage horror that really seems sincere. I love the genre, and I'd like to think there's others out there with the same agenda.

Check out "Elves." It's a Christmas treat all year round.