michael_robert_burns

In this tense and character-driven romantic tragi-comedy, we are given an insight into the intertwining lives of four thirtysomething Parisians. At the centre is Vinz Cassell's portrayal of Max. A starry-eyed Romeo, he falls head over heels for beautiful stranger Lisa (Bellucci). Encouraged by his put-upon best friend Lucien (Écoffey, in an understated but effective performance), he wins her heart and they live happily ever after... that is, until the scheming, neurotic and obsessive Alice (the versatile Romane Bohringer) becomes very involved in the lives and loves of the other three.

The rich plot is thickened by a curious chronological jumble, and the movie emerges as an intricate jigsaw, the eye-candy of picture-postcard Paris at the heart of it all. The use of colour does not go unnoticed, particularly in Lisa's spectacular apartment (presumably accounting for the film's title), where the reds and yellows provoke the fires of passion and lust.

The audience can relate to Max: he truly wears his heart on his sleeve and is constantly punished by irony and circumstance for it. In one memorable scene, our fated lovers (agonisingly separated by a 'choreographed' misunderstanding) narrowly miss out on the chance meeting that would surely reunite them. Independent of one another, they travel to the same destination: her on the Metro, him in a taxi, practically tête-à-tête. Yet fate seems to have it in for them, and the audience is captivatingly teased.

The performances in this film are really what make L'Appartement stand out. I still cannot understand why Vincent Cassell is not a big star outside France. He has presence and diversity in abundance. Monica Bellucci (Cassell's real-life spouse at the time of writing) has recently found fame in the Anglophone film industry, but perhaps for the wrong reasons - true, she is divinely beautiful, but behind that is a talented actress who can dominate a scene in classic 'leading-lady' style, which many British and American actresses dismiss in favour of the all-too-easy 'subtle' approach.

All in all, watch this film! I doubt you'll be disappointed. It is gripping, satisfying, amusing, sad, lavish, and a lesson in artistic film-making.

It's the kind of movie that, after just ten minutes, you know for sure that every second further you watch will be a complete waste of your life. The Three Muscatels would be decent but for:

• Truly awful acting

• Depressing attempts at one-liner jokes

• Unbelievably appalling cinematography that would offend a braindead runt-of-litter baboon with no eyes or limbs

• More production gaffes than you can keep track of

• A non-existent storyline claiming to be based on a piece of classic literature (clearly nobody involved with this film has ever read it)

• Miserable French, Spanish and English accents

• You actually cannot understand a word any of the characters says, partly because of the terrible, terrible accents; but mostly due to the sound quality which is so dire it makes one question just what equipment (if any) has been used

• I am still coming to terms with the knowledge that The Three Muscatels was made in 1991, it cannot be true

Even the presence of Richard Pryor (who is mildly amusing in his cameo as a drunken bum) cannot save this movie. For all the above reasons, the viewer struggles to understand what is going on - there is a scene in the 17th century King of Spain's court, where a bunch of girls dressed in cringeworthy 1980s apparel appear out of nowhere and start dancing to a cringeworthy 1980s synth beat, with strobe lights flashing. What?

I don't know how many grams of magic mushrooms one would have to ingest to understand this 'film', but it would be more than I am willing to chance.

The glamour girls of French cinema come out to play in this monotonous musical. What has probably gone on behind the scenes - "let's get a bunch of the best-known actresses in the country and see what we can afford once their contracts are negotiated."

Given that '8 Femmes' had a considerable amount of hype behind it, I felt a little disappointed. The songs? Just got kinda irritating after a while. The plot? Obvious homages to the classic whodunnits, and to be fair it does keep you guessing right up to the end. The highlights? Well, Catherine Denueve and Fanny Ardant steal the show with an outrageous kiss scene that seems to come from nowhere, which probably looked quite silly on the script but is actually very well done and humorous. Ardant is on top form and is clearly loving her role, a great performance and a classy character. Kudos also to Emmanuelle Beart, a kick in the arse off 40 and still looking gorgeous, but the whole ensemble are very watchable.

The camera work is lacking, especially during most of the songs, but the intricate decor of the 30s mansion makes up for it.

Overall, a decent production, although there are many reasons why it shouldn't have been a musical. It is arguably a waste of some great acting talent and is definitely "style over substance."

I would recommend it, but don't set your expectations too high.