siderite

I don't know what I expected. I am not a Mission Impossible fan, I barely remember any of them, but I had the feeling they entertained me in the past. This one? A stream of mindless exposition, bad editing, ridiculous "plans", impossible coincidences, fast switching scenes, meaningless action scenes and still three hours long. It's simply boring.

But it was worse than that. It tried all it could to make us feel nostalgia and connection to the characters. And it failed miserably! Honestly, the only thing that stood out from the film was Hayley Atwell's smile in one scene. The rest was a blur I can't be bothered to commit to memory.

First I was confused. Didn't I see this film? Wasn't it the talk of the town a few years ago? I must have watched it and completely forgot. Then I remembered how it was shelved and only resurfaced now. And for a movie that TV channels can show again and again for cheap, it's not that bad. I mean, I've seen movies as bad as this on TV since I was a child. Same wooden acting, same formulaic scripts, same barbaric editing and the same lack of meaning for anything. Even the same level of special effects.

Filmmakers, do you realize that if you took those SFX and gave them to some dedicated people they might have polished them and made them good for free, just because it hurts so see such a level of miscare?

But I digress. This is what a very lazy ChatGPT would come up with if you'd tell it to take the Red Sonja character, combine it with Spartacus, then make it understandable for 5 year olds. Also make it violent, but PG-13, maybe PG, for good measure. There is no creativity shown in any part of this film. It's completely and utterly bland, a flat spreadsheet of all zeros only an accountant would be pleased with. I think that from the footage they shot, a decent editor could have raised the bar a little bit, but what they had was the bottom of the barrel.

And the story is what one would expect, but with a twist! Instead of the cruel warlord that kills men and rapes women, we get a manipulative weak boy that wants to rule the world with science, against all morals and beliefs. Oh, where have I heard that before? In EVERY movie and series made lately. I understand the zeitgeist villain is a tech bro with too much power and no conscience, but it shouldn't affect the story of a medieval fantasy film!

Bottom line: I was curious to see the Red Sonja actress in a skimpy bathing suit armor, but that was like 3 minutes of the film and not even that memorable. The rest of the film is a complete waste of time.

This film was like a throwback to the old Marvel movies: reluctant heroes, unlikely partners, complex villains. It's true that it's mostly a setup movie, an origin story of sorts. None of the characters actually gain real depth because there is no space and time for it. And as soon as it ends, the movie ties in with the rest of the Marvel universe. But there is hope.

If it wasn't for the Marvel and superhero fatigue in general, most people would have liked this film. And even without the backstory of every character in the roster, one can still understand and enjoy the film, which is a plus. Now imagine, just try to imagine, a time where new heroes just pop up on screen, no sleep inducing origin story, just appear out of nowhere, show who they are by their actions, not exposition and flashbacks, and entertain us. Maybe they are even new characters, not something from a thousand contradicting comic books and bound by IP. This film is a step in that direction.

Unfortunately, this film was unexpectedly good, meaning people did not show up for it. It's not a masterpiece, but I wonder if the slop we've been getting will only get stronger is people don't pay for the movies which are actually decent.