Humdinger69

So it's finally happened. I've rated well over a thousand movies and this is the first '1' ever ever given, no joke. I love entertainingly bad movies, I love insane movies, and I tend to find some form of value in even to most horrid pieces of cinema. I don't believe many films are completely worthless. So when I say that this is a horrid abomination devoid of any artistic value whatsoever, I do not take this statement lightly. It isn't every day I find a piece of work I hate with every fiber of my being like I do this wretched bile.

There's a very vague mockery of a plot that somehow involves adoption, clones and body switching but I'm at a loss to explain what really happens and I stopped putting in the effort to pay attention around half-way in. At which point I started regularly checking the clock, then subsequently beating myself in the head as what felt like 20 minutes passed turned out to be around 7. They managed to stretch this nonsense to almost TWO HOURS and it feels like at least triple that.

The actual movie (and I'm stretching when I call it that) is simply a very colorful ensemble of the most obnoxious non-characters you've ever seen spouting an endless stream of meaningless words arranged in a way that vaguely resembles dialogue in irritating high-pitched voices, jumping around the room, dancing, throwing things, and generally being obnoxious. It's like the director just found a bunch of bored art school students and said "Hey! Wanna be in a movie? All you have to do is smear a bunch of paint on your face and act as retarded as possible in front of the camera. You in?".

Randomness can be very entertaining if done the right way. I'm a big fan of shows like Chowder, Tim & Eric and The Eric Andre Show. I love Everything Is Terrible. I like Aqua Teen as much as the next guy. This is a textbook example of randomness done horribly wrong to the point where it physically hurts to watch.

In short, this is not surrealism, this isn't a "mindfrik" (edited for IMDB acceptability), it's not interesting, it's not funny, it's not bad in an entertaining way. This is nothing but a cinematic endurance test. Shaye & Kiki mind as well be on downers when compared to this lunacy. If it wasn't for my stubborn insistence on finishing every movie I watch, I would have turned this off about 30 minutes in. But I felt I had a duty. A duty to power through and give this a proper review in order to warn unsuspecting fans of the bizarre not to be suckered in by the ludicrously high IMDb rating. You have been warned.

The remaining Polonia brother knocks it out of the park and delivers some of the most frightening shark attack scenes ever committed to film.

The special effects are really something to behold, never has your child's toy shark you tried to stitch back together after the dog got a hold of it looked so menacing. The writing is still as sharp as ever, with intelligent, witty banter on par with the great Quentin Tarantino delivered with astonishing conviction by lovable characters you will certainly not forget instantly once the movie's over.

The villain of the movie, a Nazi carrying on the inhumane experiments of his forefathers, is acted using the tried and true formula:

Replacing "W" with "V" every once in a while = German accent

The man exudes so much pure, unadulterated evil that I dare anyone not to get cold sweats whenever he appears on screen.

Even with all this said, I assure you, nothing will prepare you for the film's third act, a harrowing dive into complete insanity.

All I can really say after experiencing this movie is thank you, Mark Polonia. Thank you for making movies, thank you for being alive, thank you for sharing this masterpiece with the world. It seems like only yesterday he put Jurassic Park in its place with his classic Saurians. Now with Sharkenstein, he's rendered another critically-acclaimed piece of celluloid completely obsolete. Sorry Jaws.

The movie starts with the setup we've all seen a billion times before: Some guys. Are annoying. Horny. Some girls. Are annoying. Horny. Have party. Drink. Try to sex. Good times. Then suddenly... an earthquake!

The tone shifts drastically and the world around them goes to hell in a hand-basket real quick. Decimated architecture, riots in the streets, prisoners escaping, warnings of an incoming tsunami, every man for himself, and no one is safe. Anyone can meet their untimely end when you least expect it, just like a real life disaster.

This may sound like an intense and nihilistic experience, but beneath the surface, the film sticks to the usual horror movie rules and holds back too much to be a truly effective shocker. In other words, it feels too "Hollywoodized". There's also a dumb twist towards the end. Even still, there's just enough carnage here to satisfy undemanding lovers of cinematic slime. A natural disaster movie that puts most of it's focus on animalistic human behavior rather than the flashy special effects could, and should, have been a lot better.