efitness

I had heard of this film for years, its reputation of being one of Otto Preminger's worst preceding it in every film reference book I'd encountered. Well, it certainly doesn't disappoint. "Rosebud" looks like a novice director's first effort, not the work of the man who gave us "Carmen Jones" and "The Man With the Golden Arm."

"Rosebud" unfolds awkwardly detailing the kidnapping of 5 millionaire's daughters by a Palestinian terrorist group and the attempts by the parents (among them former New York mayor John Lindsay in his film debut/swansong) to retrieve them without starting a holy war.

As ransom demands are made and we are forced to endure endless footage devoted to kidnap victims being trotted to and fro with bags on their heads, wizened secret agent Peter O'Toole is called in to save the day (Preminger seems to be engaging in a little joke by having the very chalky actor with the legendary booze problem drink milk in one of many pointless scenes).

Much talking and little acting (or action) ensues as we reach a finale that must have appeared idiotic and reactionary in 1975 but seems practically prescient in post-9/11 America.

"Rosebud" is almost alarming in its awfulness. The cluttered international cast is full of professional actors who come off as amateurs, and obvious amateurs coming off like…amateurs (If I'm not mistaken that's Preminger's son, Erik, by Gypsy Rose Lee in the role as a computer wiz. It is Erikwho is responsible for the leaden screenplay). The many clashing accents and laughable performances give the impression that many learned their lines phonetically.

Though the plot is not too bad (just hard to follow motives and motivations) and suffers from a needlessly slow and artless execution, it's the acting that really torpedoes "Rosebud." O'Toole looks like he's about to keel over any minute; as the villain, an Englishman converted to Muslim, Richard Attenborough unthreateningly lisps his way through his role; and as the kidnap victims, Preminger couldn't have assembled a more annoying and untalented group of girls. Were we intentionally supposed to wish for their execution?

Their scenes in their subterranean prison are laugh riots of high school level acting and bad blocking. Rather astounding to see a very young Isabelle Huppert embarrass herself as one of the pluckier debs…though she deserves an Oscar for the stomach churning scene in which she has to seduce and kiss the cadaverous bare chest of O'Toole. "Sex and the City"'s Kim Catrall makes her film debut here and makes clear why it took her over two decades to become a star.

For anyone out there who wishes to actually see this film- if just for the bragging rights to bearing witness to Otto Preminger's decline- here are a few things to look for to add to the fun:

1) The 70's clothes and "Brady Bunch" curly hairdo of the political activist character. 2) In the cat-fight between the kidnap victims; slaps are delivered and heard but never received. 3) The guys in the tennis togs (short shorts) air dropped onto the "Rosebud" 4) John Lindsay…nuff said. 5) The militant boy scouts with the knee-socks and bare chests. 6) Kim Catrall's a capella rendering of Nilsson's "I guess the Lord must be in New York City. 7) O'Toole's battle with the terrorist with the killer corkscrew.

This is the only DVD I've ever purchased from the 99 cent bin at a store and still felt I'd overpaid.

"There Goes the Bride" plays out like a protracted episode of "Bewitched" or "I Dream of Genie": one semi-supernatural episode is milked for every conceivable misunderstanding and limp comedy gag for as long as is humanly endurable.

Tom Smothers plays a harried ad executive (is there any other kind?) who, on the day of his daughter's wedding, meets the woman of his dreams in the person of fictional brassiere pitchwoman, Polly (Twiggy in full 1930's flapper drag, looking every bit as youthful as she did 9 years earlier in "The Boy Friend," the 30's musical in which she was ALSO named Polly).

What comedy there is comes from the inability of anyone but Smothers to see the amorous Twiggy, and all manner of formulaic 'hilarity' ensues.

"There Goes the Bride" is not the worst film I've ever seen, but it must certainly be the ugliest. The camera set ups look amateurish, the cutting is sluggish for what should be a quick, farcical comedy, and the whole thing looks like a demo film for the real film to be shot later with a bigger budget.

On the plus side is the always enchanting Twiggy who has the sort of light comic touch a film like this needs. Too bad she's underused and has about a page of dialog throughout the whole film. She and Smothers (who tries hard but needs a better director)perform several musical numbers that actually are rather charming given Smothers' lead-footed earnestness.

Can't say I'd recommend this film to anyone but Twiggy fans (there have to be more out there beyond myself).