kolchak25

Wow, where do I start... there is a character called Thumper, the lead actor has hair that looks like it's a nasty wig made out of Fun Furr, many scenes go nowhere and have nothing to do with the movie, the only ninja is retarded, and all of the lead characters are middle aged, have gold chains, hairy chests, bad hair, and expensive sports cars - referred to by my friend as "impotence mobiles."

The movie is poorly written and acted, which is what usually happens when the same person directs, produces, writes, and stars in a low budget film. The movie appears to follow the standard good martial arts instructor vs. evil martial arts instructor. Some of the more ridiculous scenes are: 1) Thumper winning a martial arts tournament, though we questioned his ability to do this as he was knocked out cold by one punch from a biker earlier in the film; 2) during the same tournament, the officials/referees who score the match and can override other judges scores, are the instructors of the competitors - talk about conflict of interest; 3) the female black belt, who when confronted by 4 thugs, let's them get fresh with her, then flails helplessly before finally starting to defend herself. Geez...

While I don't think it's the worst movie ever, it's definitely got to be seen to be believed. There are some unintentionally funny scenes, and many things make no sense. So be forewarned, and watch at your own risk.

In the tradition of Godfrey Ho's Zombie vs Ninja, comes another in the string of movies I like to refer to as the Caucasian Ninjas Wearing Brightly Colored Outfits Series. Supposedly the plot is about the Purple Ninjas trying to track down a treasure of gold. Other groups discover there is a treasure and also try to find it's location.

The main problems right off the bat are that the Ninjas are wearing pink ninja costumes, they are all Caucasian, they have names like Mitch, they wear headbands that proudly state "ninja", and they never appear to be searching for the treasure since they are too busy fighting the other Caucasian band of ninjas in the film.

Also, while the movie is called Hands of Death, I can't remember anyone actually killing another with their hands. These ninjas are all packing heavy artillery, and even blow each other up with some sort of big gun. It's fairly amusing and highly unexpected to see a brightly colored Caucasian ninja blow up before your very eyes. In other words, the title Hands of Death is a complete misnomer.

There are a couple of bedroom scenes that are absolutely hysterical as the couples look like they are wrestling in fast motion. They roll over and over, and even though we knew this was supposed to be a sex scene, we found ourselves questioning what they were actually supposed to be doing. Truly the man involved should be nominated for worst person ever to end up with in your bed.

The ninjas never really go on a quest for gold, and the rest of the people in the movie never really interact with the ninjas but do make a trip to find the gold. On their way they run into cannibals, an old woman who lives in a cave, and the requisite thugs who I guess are criminals in a syndicate.

My favorite thug scene is after they chase numerous young women through the woods, round them up, and bring them back to the bosses house. At this point the boss admonishes the women and says, "You can't escape. No one will ever escape from here." He then asks his henchman if they managed to round up all of the girls, and is informed that they got all but two who had "escaped"!

I rate this movie as much better and more enjoyable than Zombie vs Ninja. Please keep in mind that realistically speaking, this is like saying getting your finger shut in a car door is much better and more enjoyable than getting your hand shut in a car door.