Dragofan

OK all your pessimistic movie haters!! Paparazzi was one of the most vivid films of recent memory, mainly due to the razor-sharp thespianism of Tom Sizemore. Maybe he should call himself Tom Actmore, because that's what he does compared to other sluffs like Tom Hanks and Beyonce. I had to "go" when I got in the theater, but wound up holding it the entire movie because I was glued to my seat by the riveting plot twists and jaw-smashing action. Only a true American hero could appreciate the fine nature of this film. The problem is, the only people who see these films are punk kids with their Tivos and microwavable burritos. They don't know the kind of gut-tear it is to have your family picked on or harassed - or to have your life put on the line hiding in some foxhole pinned under enemy fire. There are several requirements to being a patriot (the kind of person who would enjoy this film), and I will mention a few here for your educational advancement. You are a patriot if: 1. You have at least one hand-knitted blanket or quilt from your grandma.

2. You drive an all-American car like an Escort or Cimmaron.

3. You love the flag. 4. You've eaten your cake before supper on more than one occasion. 5. You like rootbeer and salami sticks. 6. You know all the words to Blue Velvet and When Johnny Comes Marching Home. 7. You fear the man. If you haven't seen this film yet, go see it! Also, ask for extra butter on your popcorn - they're putting less and less on these days.

Here is a couple of rhetorical questions: What do you get when you mix together olive oil, rancid butter, green tomatoes, mildew from your shower floor and burt bacon? C.R.A.P. What do you get when you add a predictable plot, bad character development, unecessary scenes, obvious and egregious product placement and the lack of Billy Drago together? S.W.A.T. This film stinks like an evicerated hog laying in the hot sun. First of all, the story doesn't even make an attempt to seem realistic or make any sense at all. Everyone comments on how violent and gory this film is - in my head I imagined a Blackhawk Down-esque blood and gore fest (all-American style). Instead you get some yuppy commie crap gun battles and some rediculous tactics that no one in their right mind would ever use in real life. In fact, even if Billy Drago was cast to play Gambit (or Gamble or whatever his name was) I doubt if this film could have earned a positive review. Then there's the question of product placement. If you want to engage your brain a little more while you watch this movie, try to see how many Dr. Pepper cans you can count. Or the McDonalds bag which seems to have a spotlight on it for about 5 whole minutes of the film. This film is nothing more than an over-hyped poor excuse for a summer blockbuster. It lacks the intelligence of almost any action film of the past and if this is an indication of what it takes to get massive audiences into a theater, then the film industry is in pretty sore shape. There are so many plot/technical blunders it isn't even funny. If you liked this film, chances are you also: 1. Are very indecisive at the makeup counter. 2. Played competitive frisbee in college. 3. Order a double-quarter pounder with cheese, a super-size fries and a Diet Coke at McDonalds and think you are saving yourself calories by drinking a diet beverage. 4. Are proud of the fact that you beat Tetris after using all the cheat codes. 5. Think that after someone goes to trial, they also have an error. I can go on and on, but to put it simply, this movie was just plain bad. Please revolt and rent a Billy Drago movie like Delta Force 2 instead. 2 out of 10.

I need someone to X-splain to me the purpose of this sequel. I don't usually go to see these new-aged sci-fi flicks, but I was taking care of my nephew Romel so I took him to see it. Now I'm a hardcore all-American who has seen a fire fight or two in his life, and I have to say that the action scenes in this film were terribly done. They were worse than making Mac-N-Cheese without milk or butter. What this film needed was a clear goal. I'm American so I believe in goals, apple pie, and that Tasha Yar should have never died on Star Track, because she was a true patriot. This film was a poor mix of crappy one-line jokes, action scenes that were not nearly gory enough, and cheesy X-plosions for X-citement. In my opinion, the director of this film should have designed the movie for an NC-17 rating and then went to work...instead of making it fit for all the kiddies out there. In addition, the casting was inX-scusable. Billy Drago should have been cast as Xavier, period. Chuck Norris and Rutger Hauer would have added the needed thespian punch. Instead you get a sour mix of second-rate actors that resemble that five-year old MGD sitting in your garage. All in all, I give this movie a 2 out of 10. BOOO!