b-a-h TNT-6

About 17 years ago, I had watched an atrocious low-budget, unknown 80s Italian "comedy" and had called it "the worst movie ever made". Since then, I had seen a handful of movies that had came close, and perhaps even equaled it, but I could never quite decide if they really were worse. "At that bottom-of-the barrel level", I figured "it's just about impossible to decide which one is worse".

Well, not anymore. After seeing Hip Hop Locos I can say, without even a shred of a doubt, that this abomination is now firmly on top of the list of the worst movies I have ever seen. Heck, I am pretty sure that if you challenge someone (who has never seen Hip Hop Locos, that is) to make the worst movie ever made, they would end up making something better than this crap.

This is supposedly a "found footage" horror. For starters, the concept that it is found footage is not believable in the least; there are clearly scenes that make no sense in that context, such as shots from what appears the POV of the victims, or from a camera that's held neither by the protagonists or another character in the movie. But that's really the least of the problems.

The whole movie is so poorly lit that typically in half of the scene you can't tell what is happening. Security camera footage looks better than this, and I am absolutely not exaggerating. There are some headache-inducing effects resulting in the images being incredibly grainy or with inverted colors, for some reason. Not only it's a terrible idea (especially for a supposedly "found footage" movie), but it's so overdone it just makes the whole thing look like they're playing a prank on the viewer.

There are cuts where the same 3-4 seconds of a scene is repeated several times, sometimes slowed down, in what I can only imagine is an attempt at padding the running time. Not that the scenes that are not repeated are any more interesting: long stretches of driving on a dark road, the two protagonists sitting smoking a joint, or talking on a pay phone in a gas station (?) without even hearing what they are saying.

Then there is the dialogue. Far and away the worst in any movie (I can't say "in any movie script" because clearly there was none for this). The two "actors" are obviously trying to talk "street" slang, but the whole thing is so overdone it only provokes laughs... for the first two minutes, then it becomes just unbearable. The word "homes" especially must have been repeated at least 500 times in the 70 minutes running time. Again, I am not exaggerating.

I could go on and on, but other reviewers have already pointed out how utterly dismal, atrocious, unbearable this "movie" is. I seriously can't imagine it being kicked off the top spot of my "worst movies I have ever seen" any time soon.

It might happen that actors or directors whose movie got trashed get so upset they would like to punch the critic. This time it is the opposite: as a critic, I would like to punch the people who got involved in this abomination. There is a debate about which one is the worst movie ever made; some say Manos, others Plan 9 From Outer Space. Believe me, those are masterpieces of modern art compared to this "movie" (double quotes needed).

Despite the idiotic title ("I came, I saw, I had a woody") that might as well be used for an adult movie, this was probably planned to be a comedy in the style of Porky's. I say "probably", because there is absolutely nothing that even reminds you of something funny at all in this monstrosity. Imagine some of the biggest goofballs you know, imagine them throwing lines like "tomorrow it'll be Sunday and she'll give me it" (not kidding, the level does not get any funnier than that) and whose acting is quite probably worse than what you could get by just randomly recruiting people in the street. Imagine abysmal sound and video quality, non-existent plot -- it is almost amazing how it literally doesn't go anywhere -- and wanna-be sexy moments featuring either quite fat or ugly middle-aged women.

Well, if you can imagine that believe me, it is only the beginning of how atrocious this movie is. This is not even one of those movies that are so bad they are actually good, as the wanna-be funny parts are totally unfunny and either very sexist and offensive or just plain dumb. I cannot even judge the music -- there was a song, and it was an exercise in idiocy -- nor the script, because they clearly shot this "movie" without any.

Obviously nobody heard of this "movie". I myself had never heard about it until a local TV station near Milan decided to show it. The title was idiotic enough to get me curious and watch some of it. After about 40 minutes, I couldn't take it anymore.

Bottom line: if any of you is willing to see the worst movie ever made, just choose this one. It is HANDS DOWN the worst movie ever made.

Rating: 1/10 just because I can't give a 0. But just to consider this a "movie" needs some effort.

If you like this show, you are probably not going to like what I'm going to say. Then again if you like this show, I can't say I have really any sympathy for you.

Frankly, this has got to be the most painful TV show I have seen in ages. No wit, no purpose, no talent whatsoever. I scrolled down the "memorable quotes" to see if I was just unlucky with the bits and pieces I could stand to watch. No. I have not found one quote that brought a smile on my face, let alone one that actually made me laugh.

And another thing, I find it depressing that in this day and age they still try to use the laugh track as a cue to where the "funny stuff" is supposed to be. I have never met anybody who did not find the laugh track completely annoying, and this show has one of the LOUDEST laugh tracks I have ever heard! But of course when all you have is this kind of drivel, that's the only thing you can resort to to pretend what you're showing is actually funny.

Where I live they show this after the excellent "Scrubs". The difference in quality is amazing. Where "Scrubs" is always fresh, witty and honest, "Less than Perfect" is stale, moronic and, well... unwatchable.