90210 Shark Attack

"90210 Shark Attack" sets new standards - not in the shark genre, but in sheer awfulness. Imagine Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" with sharks.

The mind-numbingly stupid dialogue, delivered with the emotional depth of plywood, leaves you speechless. The brilliant decision to film actors walking entire paths in real time (no cuts, no added value) is pure trash art.

And let's not forget the endless repetition of the same "spotlight-on-location" shots - wow. In a film that takes place entirely in one location - a house in Beverly Hills. The title might have already given away where the hell we're supposed to be.

The randomly inserted shark scenes, the CGI morphing effects, and the titular shark attacks are nothing short of an assault on anyone with eyes.

Rating:-300/10. Would never watch again, even if hell froze over.

So if you want to see a shark film where there is no actual ocean, and a bad CGI shark just goes round eating people leaping out of one of the charscters. Then the film just suddenly ends. This is a film for you. Get drunk, watch with friends.

It's almost like the people making the film didn't know how to end it, so they just didn't bother. Or the ran out of money, because it even has a very short run time of 76 minutes.

I think it's even more hilarious that they're meant to be oceanography students, who you don't actually see go to the sea. Like that happens off screen. Like they didn't even need to be for this film to happen.

People may get defensive reading this, saying "why watch it anyway", "this is not a film to be taken seriously" and "you should know what to expect before watching", like at least one person annoyingly says for many panned low-budget films. Saw '90210 Shark Attack' out of curiosity, to see whether it was that awful and hoping for some guilty pleasure fun. Knowing exactly what to expect, having seen my fair share of shark films (the odd one being a mild guilty pleasure but most struggle to rise mediocre level).

Am aware that this kind of film is not to be taken seriously (that is the case with a vast majority of shark films in existence), the title '90210 Shark Attack' and the absurd premise alone give that away. Knew that it was a film that wouldn't win awards for great production values or writing and would be very cheesy. Was not expecting something though that would be so intelligence-insultingly awful in every single way, with absolutely no fun, tension or heart. Actually felt that my IQ had been decreased by several notches after watching and that is not a nice thing to feel.

'90210 Shark Attack' looks amateurish and ridiculously fake. Especially bad is the repetitive, almost all of the time for no reason, editing, and there is far too much stock footage of sharks lacking any kind of menace or even doing an awful lot, again mostly pointless. It was impossible to detect any kind of direction, if there was any, despite it shockingly not being the case, it honestly came over as a director completely and utterly lacking in experience. The soundtrack throughout the entirety of '90210 Shark Attack' was completely misplaced and placed so inappropriately, on its own it sounds cheap and at least 25 years out of date.

The script sounded made up on the spot and the cheese and awkwardness goes into complete overkill, that it becomes exhausting. The story is as indescipherable as the direction, even more so, with far too many gratuitous close up shots of torsos, a worse than lethargic pace and no tension or suspense whatsoever.

None of the characters are remotely interesting, let alone likeable. When they had any kind of discernible personality they were truly obnoxious. There are three elements especially that come over as non-existent, one was the direction, one was the story and the other is the worse-than-high-school-play level of acting.

Summarising, am really shocked that even, when trying to take it for what it was and trying to be, something this appalling was made. 1/10 (and that is being generous)

This movie essentially begins with six college students arriving at a summer house on the beach in preparation for a field trip involving marine anthropology. The class is led by a teacher named "Pamela" (Donna Wilkes) who has her hands full trying to keep all of the students in line. For starters, two students by the names of "Bryce" (Braden Bacha) and "Marcie" (Nikki BreAnne Wells) can't seem to keep their hands off of each other or their libidos in check for any length of time. On the other hand, Pamela has a secret sexual affair with one of the other students while at the same time a totally different interest in another student by the name of "Alyssa" (Stephanie Shemanski). But Pamela isn't the only one harboring a secret. Now rather than reveal any more of this movie I will just say that this has to be one of the worst films I have seen in quite a while. The acting was bad but admittedly it was made even worse by the extremely weak script and poor direction which kept showing similar scenes repeatedly. For example, for some odd reason the director (David DeCoteau) seemed extremely focused and devoted to the semi-nude physique of one of the male actors to the exclusion of the two sexy actresses on-hand and available (Nikki BreAnne Wells and Stephanie Shemanski). Very odd indeed. But regardless of that fact, he definitely needed to spend more time on the script and acting as both were clearly in need of considerable improvement. In any case, this movie is really, really bad and other than the presence of the two actresses I just mentioned I don't see any reason to recommend it to anybody.

Granted, with a title like "90210 Shark Attack" then you just know that this is going to be bad. But still, it is a shark movie, and there was a chance that the movie might actually either be surprisingly good or be so bad that it was fun to watch. Hence, I gave "90210 Shark Attack" a chance.

I managed to endure 35 minutes of the ordeal. Then I was ready to claw my eyes out and put a gun to my head. This was bad. Nay, strike that. This was phenomenally bad. Actually, it is among the top 3 of worst movies I have ever had to suffer through. 35 minutes, then I couldn't take any more of it.

The soundtrack to the movie was bad. It was like a mixture of a poor man's dance mix and a horror movie from the 1970s. Yeah, it might sound like fun and good times, but trust me, it wasn't.

The acting in the movie, well, let's just don't even venture there.

The lack of sharks, aside from the odd bit of copy and paste job from shark documentaries was astounding. This being a shark movie, then you want to watch sharks attacking people, not just watch close ups of some chiseled guy's six pack while he is in the shower and taking his time washing.

Speaking of that, then the movie was crammed with way too much focus on showing guy's torsos in extreme close ups. Was there something that director David DeCoteau was trying to hint at here?

Do yourself a huge favor and give this movie such a wide berth that you might even risk putting yourself into the deep end of the ocean and swimming with hungry sharks while you're bleeding from every orifice. This movie was bad, phenomenally and utterly bad. I endured 35 minutes of this garbage that was disguised as a shark movie. And even if I was paid, then I wouldn't return to watch the rest of this pseudo-homo erotic film.