- Therapist: Why didn't you want to come here?
- Rick: Because I don't respect Therapy. Because I'm a Scientist. Because I invent, transform, create and destroy for a living and when I don't like something about the World I change it. And I don't think going to some rented office in a strip mall to listen to an Agent of Averageness explain which words mean which feelings has ever helped anyone do anything. I expect it's helped a lot of people get comfortable and stop panicking, which is a state of mind we value in the animals we eat but not something I want for myself. I'm not a cow! I'm a Pickle! When I feel like it. So, you asked...
- Morty: Don't run. Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everybody's gonna die. Come watch TV.
- Rick: I hate to bust your bubble Morty, but love is a chemical reaction that compels animals to mate. It hits hard, then slowly fades leaving you floundering in a failing marriage. Break the cycle, Morty! Focus on science.
- Mr Meeseeks: Meeseeks are not Born into this World fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are Created for a Singular Purpose which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is Pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry, and we will do anything to alleviate that Pain!
- Summer: Is that a real question?
- Jerry: Just making conversation
- Summer: Are you? What part of that gives me anything to work with? My choices are to say nothing, be sarcastic, or bark "Yes!" like a trained animal. It's not a conversation, you're holding me verbally hostage.
- Rick: I put a Spatially Tessellated Void inside a modified Temporal Field until a Planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity! Which they now generate on a Global Scale and some of it goes to powering my engine and charging my phone and stuff.
- Morty: You have a whole planet sitting around making your power for you? That's Slavery!
- Rick: It's society! They work for each other, Morty, they pay each other, they get married and have children to replace themselves when they're too old to make power.
- Morty: That just sounds like Slavery with extra steps!
- Rick: Ooh la la! Someone's going to get laid in College...
- Morty Jnr: I don't want to Masturbate! I want to conquer the planet!
- Morty Jnr: I'd rather breathe poison than live another day with you!
- [He can breathe fine]
- Morty Jnr: My Life has Been a Lie! God is dead! The Government is Lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus's birthday wasn't on Christmas, they moved the date, it was a Pagan Holiday!
- Rick: Good pitches, kids, I'm almost proud. But watch closely as Grandpa topples an empire by changing a one to a zero.
- Insectoid 1: Mr President, the blemphlark's value just dropped to nothing!
- Insectoid 2: What do you mean?
- Insectoid 1: I mean our single centralised Galactic currency just went from being worth one of itself to being worth zero of itself.
- Insectoid 2: Calm down people! Deploy the Galactic Militia and declare martial law.
- Insectoid 3: Yes sir! What shall I pay them with?
- Insectoid 4: Their payment will be the honour they feel to serve... wait a minute, who's paying me to yell at this guy?
- Insectoid 1: I can answer that, for money!
- Insectoid 2: Gentlemen! There's a solution here you're not seeing.
- [Shoots himself]
- Alien Werner Herzog: I have dwelt amongst the Humans. Their entire Culture revolves around their penises.
- Summer: You're Zuckerberging me?
- The Devil: I've been Zuckerberging people since before Zuckerberg's balls dropped!
- Jerry Smith: If you ever have an affair with that guy I will come to your hotel room and blow my brains out over your naked bodies.
- Jerry: Stop telling me to relax! Have you ever tried to relax? It's a paradox!
- Principal Vagina: Hello, this is Principal Vagina. No relation.
- Snuffles: Where are my Testicles, Summer?
- Summer: That's an intense line of questioning...
- Voice Over: Today, on How they Do it: Plumbuses. First, they take the Dinglebop and they smooth it out with a bunch of shleem. The Shleem is then repurposed for later batches. They take the Dinglebop and they push it through the Grumbo. Where the Fleeb is rubbed against it. It's important that the Fleeb is rubbed because the Fleeb has all of the Fleeb juice. Then a Schlamie shows up and he rubs it and spits on it. They cut the Fleeb, there are several hizzards in the way. The Blamphs rub against the Chumbles. And the Plubis and Grumbo are shaved away. That leaves you with a regular old Plumbus.
- Rick: I always wondered how Plumbuses got made.
- Abradolph Lincler: Rick, you brought me into this World a suffering abomination, tortured by the duality of its being, but I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body!
- Bird Person: My people have another saying: Gubbanubnub Dooraka. It means whatever lets you sleep at night.
- Kyle: It's not much now, but once I learn to accelerate the Temporal Field I'll be able to interact with any Sentient Life that evolves and then introduce them to the wonders of Electricity via a Pulley-based Device I call a Bloobleyank. But what they won't know is...
- Zeep: You'll be taking most of their energy, yeah, yeah I get it.
- Rick: It's showtime.
- Zeep: You do realise this will make the Flooblecrank obsolete? This is wrong, Kyle! What you're doing is wrong! You're basically...
- [Rick mimes along]
- Zeep: This is slavery, you're talking about creating a Planet of Slaves.
- Rick: Told you, Zeep.
- Kyle: Oh, they won't be slaves, they'll work for each other, and pay each other money...
- Zeep: That just sounds like... slavery... with extra steps.
- [Rounds on Rick]
- Rick: What?
- Zeep: Wait a minute, did you create my Universe? Is my Universe a Miniverse?
- Rick: Microverse!
- Kyle: I prefer teenyverse.
- Zeep: [Flicks off Rick's antennae] You bastard!
- [Rick takes Zeep's mask and they fight]
- Zeep: Much obliged!
- Kyle: What the Hell is happening?
- Morty: Ah, this is Healthy, trust me.
- Rick: You're my battery mother****** that's all you are! I made you! Your microverse sucks and your miniverse is the size of a ******* lobster tank! It's Wack!
- Kyle: Are they not really Aliens?
- Morty: Nah, they're just a couple of crazy, wacky scientists. You know?
- Kyle: So he made a Universe, and that guy is from that Universe, and that guy made a Universe, and that's the Universe where I was born? Where my Father died. Where I couldn't make time for his Funeral because I was working on my Universe?
- Morty: Ha ha ha, yeah! Science huh? Ain't it a thing? You know one time Rick shot his laser pistol right through my hand? I mean, you know, like Old Lady Science! You know, she's a real, you gotta hang on tight, you know, because she bucks pretty hard! Oh my God, no!
- [Kyle drives his craft into a Cliff and it explodes]
- Chaos Chaos: Lay it, lay it down. Let me see your hand. Show me what you got. You're always talking, but you're not playing. It doesn't match your face. 'Cos I'm away, away from this place. Can you take me now? Ah, I want it. I want it real. Are you afraid of me now? Are you afraid of me now? Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Do you feel that I can see your soul? Do you feel it? Do you feel it? Do you feel the beat in your heart? Ah, I want it. I want it real. Run away with me now. Ah, I want it. I want it real. Run away with me now.
- Rick: [Drunk] Are you a simulation Morty?
- Morty: What?
- Rick: [knife at his throat] Are you a simulation Morty? Are you, you little bitch?
- Morty: No!
- Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
- Morty: Ahh!
- Rick: Are you a simulation Morty?
- Morty: No!
- Rick: Ah right. Sorry Morty. You're a good kid. You're a good kid Morty.
- [Falls asleep]
- Morty: What the Hell? Oh God! What a life...
- Mom: When we were locked in that freezer I realised that every guy I ever dated was like those Meeseeks. They'd say or do anything to... fulfill their purpose.
- Dad: Was I like those guys?
- Mom: Well, you didn't disappear afterwards.
- Dad: I did get you pregnant.
- Mom: Yeah...
- Abradolph Lincler: I kinda believe all men were created equal, but then...
- Squanch Cat: You're not Squanchy enough for a Squanch Party.
- Rick: Oh so we're supposed to sleep every night, now? Do you realise that nighttime is like half of all time?