- [first lines]
- Skun-ka'pe: [the player gets out of a limo they were in with Skun-ka'pe remaining in it] Good luck, hu-man.
- [the player enters the Inventory, and as they head through the halls, one of the Save Lot Bandits from The Walking Dead is tossed through a door. Brock Samson walks out of that same door]
- Brock Samson: Good game.
- [he places a cigarette in his mouth]
- Brock Samson: Let's do it again sometime.
- [he lights his cigarette and turns to the player]
- Brock Samson: Oh hey, it's you... .Alright. C'mon, I'll lead you in.
- [the player follows him]
- Brock Samson: Name's Samson. Brock Samson.
- [at a door]
- Brock Samson: Friggin' place is like a maze...
- [inside the room, Winslow turns around]
- Reginald Van Winslow: Ah, Mr. Samson! I lost track of you for a moment.
- [gasp]
- Reginald Van Winslow: And you've brought the Player! Splendid!
- [they go downstairs]
- Reginald Van Winslow: On behalf of everyone at the Inventory, I cannot BEGIN to express our unbridled elation to see you return for another night of high-stakes poker!
- Brock Samson: Yeah, uh, speaking of high stakes, things may have gotten... stabby... over at the mumbly-peg room.
- Reginald Van Winslow: Mr. Samson! I once again remind you that the Inventory is NOT your personal abbatoire!
- Brock Samson: Yeah, yeah, send the cleaning bill to Venture Industries.
- Reginald Van Winslow: [muttering] That's what you said the last time...
- [They stop at the bar, being run by Mad Moxxi. Winslow grabs a martini glass and takes a sip]
- Reginald Van Winslow: As always, I am Commodore Reginald van Winslow, retired, and I will be your host on tonight's perilous voyage on the seas of chance!
- Brock Samson: [to Moxxi, while Winslow is talking to the player] Hey, sweet cheeks. How 'bout some smokes?
- [she retrieves a box and gives it to Brock]
- Brock Samson: Thanks, babe.
- Sam: [a banjo starts playing. The player turns around to see Sam leaning in a chair with his feet propped up, playing the banjo] Hey, Reggie, these new chairs are great! It's like my keister is being held aloft by the wings of tiny velvet angels!
- Max: [Max slides down the stairway railing and begins jumping on a chair] Let me try, Sam!
- Reginald Van Winslow: I'm afraid there's no room at the table for your plus one, Sam.
- [Max stops jumping]
- Sam: That's okay; Max'll make his own fun.
- Max: [Max aims his Luger into the air] Come out with your arms akimbo, Mendoza!
- [he fires the Luger]
- Brock Samson: So when do we get this clambake on the road?
- Reginald Van Winslow: In a few minutes. We're still waiting for...
- Steve: Heyo!
- [the player turns to the stage, where Steve and Claptrap are]
- Claptrap: Hello, future losers!
- Reginald Van Winslow: ...our remaining contestants.
- [Claptrap hops off of the stage and heads toward the bar]
- Claptrap: But seriously, whose HDMI port do I have to kiss to get a drink around here?
- [he expectantly looks at Moxxi, but when she rebuffs him, he sits at the poker table]
- Claptrap: Ooh! I really love what you've done with the place! Very, uh, "Boardwalk Empire" meets "Silence of the Lambs".
- Reginald Van Winslow: As I was saying your seat of
- [subtitles continue: "honor has been re-stuffed to accommodate your... generous undercarriage."]
- Claptrap: Can we get going? Steve and I have a tee time at Spyglass.
- Reginald Van Winslow: [sigh] I suppose we should. I'd hoped our final contestant would be here by now, but it appears that we'll be one short tonight.
- [suddenly, very loud footsteps are heard. Everyone looks around in confusion. They look up at a window, which first cracks, then shatters when Ash Williams is tossed through. He stands up and takes his seat at the table as though nothing happened]
- Ash: Deal me in.
- [he takes a nearby martini glass in his metal arm, but accidentally shatters it. He winces and dusts the shards off of the table]
- Reginald Van Winslow: [all five players buy in with $20,000] Everything seems to be in order. The chips are stacked, the deck is shuffled... Let the tournament BEGIN! Gentlemen, I leave you to the tender mercies of... GLaDOS.
- GlaDOS: [descends from the ceiling] Good evening.
- Sam: Great fountains of Wayne!
- Ash: What the hell?
- Brock Samson: What in the...?
- Claptrap: Hubba hubba!
- GlaDOS: This completes the first test of the contestants' poker faces. The bad news is you all failed miserably. The good news is you appear to be evenly matched.
- [she rises back into the ceiling]
- Sam: [if the player has deployed full "Army of Darkness" decorations] Whatever happened to that nice Sheila lady you rescued from the Deadites back in the 14th century?
- Ash: No idea. I tried to find out once or twice, but ancient history's not exactly my strong suit.
- GlaDOS: Perhaps I can help. Scanning... scanning... Sheila, the very pregnant daughter of Uford, married Sir Theodore in 1300...
- Ash: Pregnant? Hey man, we only did it once! Twice, tops!
- GlaDOS: ...one son, eight grandchildren... killed by the Black Plague in 1347, along with all but one of her heirs...
- Ash: Aw, damn.
- GlaDOS: ...Direct descendants emigrate to Poland in the 15th century...
- Brock Samson: Hey, a fellow Pole! Gratuluje!
- GlaDOS: Remaining family escapes Nazis in mid-20th century, eventually settling in a Swedish enclave in Nebraska.
- Brock Samson: ...Wait a minute.
- GlaDOS: By the 1960's, the sole surviving ancestor of Theodore and Sheila, Bonnie Jablonski, briefly marries a local traveling salesman, giving birth to two male sons, including... Brock Fitzgerald Samson.
- Brock Samson: Son of a bitch...
- Ash: [happily] Hey, welcome to the family!