The Oscars

Evidently a suicidal jury would much rather shoot itself in the nose clutching a gun in one hand while reaching out for golden statuesque manhood with the other to an Antonio Sanchez drum roll and/or speculate about the universe out of a wheelchair rather than go out there to find another planet capable of sustaining human life. That's survival instinct for you within ''the line of sight''! Long years ago the jury was criticized for making the mortal error of looking above its navel to award 'Gandhi'. It took some years to correct that mistake by eventually decorating an anal-ytical vision of Indian slummery. This is surely a matter of some gravity, which for the Oscar jury must be a dead weight around its loins rather than a gigantic heartfelt force of liberating attraction which Hollywood apparently sets out to annually celebrate even though the jury it appoints continues to believe this is merely special effects! Or side effects, if you prefer!''What's love got to do with it'', yeah! And then there is the distinct possibility that seized with Noah- like trepidation of forthcoming floods due to global warming, Mexico may be emerging in jury-dick-tional mind as the preferred haven for the Oscark a la "The Day after Tomorrow". But I wouldn't credit the sag-acious old men & women of this jury such foresight given their penchant for being wiser by hind-ahem-sight preferably in white tights butting into theater space & turning it into a retirement home for suicidal manic-depressive Oscarcastaways, while themselves setting sail in the Oscark with lusty lustrous garmented types, preferably more revealing than space suits & capable of more than one measly kiss per 180 minutes. (What? No bathtub, no naked Archimedes @ Eureka! Now, that's not traditional @ the Oscars). Land ahoy, lower the anchor! {p.s. The alt title of this mail is : ''Is Oscar, if not Hollywood, waging fund war with NASA, if not NORAD?''}

This year I managed to watch the live telecast on the Cable TV channel Dubai One as opposed to intermittently streaming over the 'Net or even simply waiting for the results to show up on IMDb! As a show, it left a lot to be desired – with host Ellen De Generes (returning after her 2007 engagement where Martin Scorsese was also a contender) disappearing for moments on end and only lazily putting in the occasional – and hardly side-splitting – quip (at her best, perhaps, when mentioning Jonah Hill's anatomy as seen in THE WOLF OF WALL STREET). Her antics included taking orders for pizza to be delivered and distributed around among the nominees…which really showed up, and later taking up a collection to pay for it!; she also took a large selfie of herself, Meryl Streep and everyone nearby! Still, her constantly being in the aisle or indeed sitting next to the nominees themselves was an act that quickly grew stale and displayed a lack of ideas more than anything else.

As usual, the list of presenters was a sorry sight: these included a few youthful non-entities (Zac Efron, Channing Tatum), some uneasy-looking stars unwilling to lay down their boots (Harrison Ford, John Travolta) and a couple of old-timers who rather than adding to the lustre made a spectacle of themselves by exposing just how far gone they were to millions of spectators (Kim Novak, Sidney Poitier)! The latter two were especially embarrassing to watch: what was husky-voiced and Botox-riddled Novak doing presenting the Animation categories, and what was the point of having Poitier (who was leaning on Angelina Jolie all the time) present the Best Direction Oscar when it was obviously not going to Steve McQueen (if anything, they should have had them replace Will Smith in the Best Picture category thus allowing Jolie to give the Oscar to partner Brad Pitt)?! Another irritating presence was that of a seemingly tipsy Liza Minnelli, who was there (with two of her siblings) to watch pop-star Pink cover her mum Judy Garland's signature tune "Over The Rainbow" on the occasion of the 75th anniversary of the release of THE WIZARD OF OZ – I would think they are the only surviving relatives of actors who were alive in 1939, known as Hollywood's greatest year ever! With respect to the "In Memoriam" section, I was disappointed to see Philip Seymour Hoffman take the spot that ought to have been reserved for Peter O'Toole – and, how come some "inventor" no one has ever heard of rates a mention but not comic Jonathan Winters, master Hungarian film-maker Miklos Jancso, prolific writer/director/actor Bryan Forbes or film noir stalwart Audrey Totter (on the other hand, Harold Ramis got remembered twice, firstly by way of presenter and former colleague Bill Murray)?! Having a theme for the whole show is silly in the first place but to choose "Heroes" and include clips from recent superhero movies (as if we needed to be reminded that they were still being made!) - but none from the earlier SUPERMAN franchise with the late Christopher Reeve?! To add insult to injury, they included clips from classic movies like CASABLANCA (1942), IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE (1946), BEN-HUR (1959), LAWRENCE OF ARABIA and TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD (1962)...seriously?!

With respect to how the awards went, I was obviously let down since my top three films of the year – in order of merit, American HUSTLE, THE WOLF OF WALL STREET and NEBRASKA – all went home empty-handed! Conversely, 12 YEARS A SLAVE and GRAVITY were the most awarded (3 and 7 Oscars respectively) but my least favourites! GRAVITY's technical categories sweep killed the suspense, naturally, but there were a few surprising upsets regardless: I cannot fathom why the Best Supporting Actress Oscar went to Lupita Nyong'o, who had only one good scene in the entire film; the Best Adapted Screenplay also went to 12 YEARS A SLAVE over the no-less-reprehensible but far more inventive THE WOLF OF WALL STREET; ditto for the Original Screenplay category – the loss of American HUSTLE (which can only be explained by the plot's derivative nature) proved Spike Jonze's gain with the futuristic and bittersweet HER; another unexpected win was FROZEN's for Best Song over U2's "Ordinary Love" for that Mandela movie (I am sure Bono was itching to deliver a heartfelt speech about the recently-deceased South African leader!); as I said, Alfonso Cuaron was so sure of his eventual directorial win that, when he was named earlier for Best Editing, he did not even deliver a speech (I was actually praying he would subsequently lose and see him left with egg on his face for failing to put in his two words when he had the chance)! As ever, a number of speeches were well-prepared and hit the audience in the right spots – notably all the acting categories and Matthew McConaughey's in particular…but Steve McQueen (what gall to keep such a name, I must say!)'s tongue-tied roll-call of gratitude (sounding like Leonardo Di Caprio's drug-fuelled phone conversation from THE WOLF OF WALL STREET!) was not a high spot, yet the heavy-set guy made up for it by leaping with joy at the conclusion of his triumph for co-producing the year's Best Picture!

One of the downsides of living 5 hours ahead of EST is that some bigger US events cannot be watched live; of course the upside to that is that if you record them and watch them the next day, you can probably save yourself at least half the running time by fast-forwarding the commercials or other "filler" material. I mention this because I was very surprised by how quickly this Oscars flew by when I was doing it through adverts, bits that weren't working and so on. It started well enough. Although Ellen's opening bit lacked the showmanship or spark of some other years (noticeably there was no musical or montage element) it was still very funny and her lines mostly got the right balanced of mocking but without offending.

From there though, it didn't have too much to recommend. Montages came and went for little reason or benefit – in particular with some odd choices for clips, with the animation sequence particularly heavy in modern films and for some reason lots of Kung-Fu Panda. The Best Song performances were pretty decent but not so great. The frequent return of Ellen was a mixed bag; some of her asides were really good but the selfy joke worn thin and the Pizza delivery guy bit didn't seem to have legs or a punchline once the original novelty of seeing stars with pizza wore off. Of course the show is about the awards and for this year, although it was mostly predictable, the majority were at least worthy winners with generally a good split for performances, with technical awards going to Gravity on the whole. The acceptance speeches were mostly safe, but there were some howlers and of course generally it is a bit cringe- inducing to watch the very rich and famous award one of their own, which mostly is what was happening.

Although they are a bit hard to watch, at least the speeches generally strike you as real, which is more than can be said for the presenters of awards. It always surprises me that people who act for a living and can deliver all sorts of characters cannot come out and talk about an award or a person without coming over like they are reading off cue-cards with no more than one or two word per card. There are some exceptions of course but generally these segments are clunky and odd, with most of the scripted bits not working particularly well. Harrison Ford sticks in the mind as he talked through the first three best picture nominees like he had just been woken up seconds before he did it, while Matthew McConaughey and Kim Novak's bit was awkward for so many reasons. These ones stuck in my mind but generally the show had the usual stiff scripted intros that nobody enjoys doing or watching.

It was a very safe show it must be said; solid winners without too much controversy, a presenter who got it right from the start in terms of gently ribbing but not offending and all the usual flaws and weakness of this big bloated show. I must remember next year to just watch the monologue and look up the winners – fast-forwarding can cut out a lot of the fat, but when the rest is just the same old same old then it probably isn't even worth that much time.

Who in the world saw that travesty unfunny train wreck of a show and thought it was worth anything higher than a 1? In fact it is even less than that, it is a zero, but for some inexplicable reason IMDb.com will not let me rate this any lower than a 1. This show was so bad and Ellen Degeneres is such a giant suck host that I signed up for this IMDb.com account just to post this awful review. Trust me when I say that me getting up off my lazy butt and doing all this work just to tell strangers how much I hate a show really says something. I didn't even go to all this trouble after I watched Lebron James' Decision special on television.

What parts of this show did you 90 year old housewives enjoy the most? Was it the part where she pretended like she was ordering pizzas for all of the movie stars? I bet you really slapped your knees and hooted when she said she was collecting money for it and then revealed that the hat she was collecting the money in was Pharrell's hat. Oh boy oh boy that guy's hat is huge!

That and the rest of the parade of jaw droppingly horrible jokes made me want to scream. How can anyone enjoy this hacky parade of a hack fest awards show?

For a change, the show last night used the minimum amount of get-off-the-stage music, allowing most of the winners to make decent acceptance speeches. I've been writing for years about this issue, how the play-music-over-the-winners'-speeches ruins the proceedings for me because the whole purpose of award shows is to honor the winners, let them bask in their moment of glory, and apparently others have been vocal about this issue as well. There were still constraints, off-screen cues of how much time was left, and most everyone heeded them so the music wasn't necessary in most cases. Thumbs up.

The show itself was very good. Ellen DeGeneres was a fine host, funny without being mean-spirited or corny, just sharp enough in her comments throughout. Loved the pizza thing, that really humanized the affair in a clever way. This was a classy show for the most part, and I didn't nod off once. Kudos across the board - for a change.