- David Ghantt: [after David's gun discharges in the back of his waistband] It feels like it just grazed my biscuits, right there in betwixt 'em.
- David Ghantt: I'm starting to feel like a corn dog at a hot dog party, and it ain't flattering, I'll tell you that.
- Jandice: A couple years back, I was at a youth praise concert at church, and I saw the most handsome man that I had ever seen in the world. He was looking right at me. We went on a date, and then we fell very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very deeply in love. And then he died. Snake bite. At his funeral, I was very, very distraught. I couldn't keep myself together. And I saw this... other man. A distant cousin of the deceased. He was a pallbearer, and he was kinda strugglin' to hold up his end of the casket.
- David Ghantt: I had a hard time liftin' it up.
- Jandice: In any case, we got to talkin' afterwards, and I thought, well, that one's dead, this one's alive. I'll take the live one. Now, here we are, two years later.
- Mike McKinney: So. Who do y'all want me to kill?
- Steve Chambers: Whoa, ho, Mike! We'll talk about it later. Not now. Not in front of...
- [Steve nods toward his two young sons]
- Mike McKinney: [whispers] Oh, I see... is it one of them?
- Scanlon: [holding up a picture of David Ghantt] Look at him. He looks like Kenny Rogers and Kenny Loggins had a lovechild... and then Kenny G, he just showed up to the birthday party, started playin' the flute, and messed this boy up.
- Jandice: [as Kelly and Jandice fight, Kelly attacks her with a tube of feminine cream called Vagaway] No, not the Vagaway! They don't make it anymore!
- Mike McKinney: I got another job.
- David Ghantt: No kiddin', what are you doin'?
- Mike McKinney: Tax preparation.
- David Ghantt: Oh, are ya? That's nice.
- Mike McKinney: Naw, I'm just foolin'. It's gonna be more murder.
- David Ghantt: [voice over] Steve was a petty thief, mostly known for stealing tiny wheelchairs from pediatric hospitals.
- Kelly Campbell: We could hop on over to Brazil. You ever been to Rio?
- David Ghantt: I've never even been to the airport but about twice in my life.
- Kelly Campbell: Oh, it's a real magical place.
- David Ghantt: Yeah. All those planes landin' and takin' off and such.
- Kelly Campbell: No, Rio.
- David Ghantt: Oh, Rio, yeah, yeah.
- Steve Chambers: They gotta learn that presents don't just show up under a Christmas tree. I'd like to see these turkeys go out and earn seventeen million dollars. They wouldn't even know where to begin.
- Runny: Please, don't shoot. I've got kids.
- David Ghantt: Yeah? Do your kids know you're a lying, cheating sack of filth?
- Runny: Well... I just haven't found the right moment to tell 'em.
- Mike McKinney: This gun has secrets... don't it?
- Mike McKinney: [whispering to the gun] Don't you?
- Mike McKinney: [leaning in to listen] I don't speak Spanish.
- Kelly Campbell: Okay, well, I gotta run.
- Kelly Campbell: [seductively] I gotta go wash my pantyhouse... with my mouth.
- Kelly Campbell: Look, I know you're just two good men doin' a difficult job.
- [Agent Scanlon scowls about being mistaken as male]
- Steve Chambers: What should I call you, sir?
- Steve Chambers: Nothing. You don't ever need to see me or know my name. You can refer to me as Geppetto.
- David Ghantt: Geppetto?
- Steve Chambers: Yeah, Geppetto. As in Pinnochio. As in, I pull the strings.
- David Ghantt: I think he means Stromboli.
- Steve Chambers: What did you call me?
- David Ghantt: Nothin'. I just think you mean Stromboli. Geppetto was just a woodcarver. Stromboli was the puppeteer.