Inara, the Jungle Girl

I can't believe I actually sat through the whole movie! I could forgive just about everything that is wrong with this film (there's a lot wrong, believe me) if it was a college project or a home-grown piece of fun that a bunch of friends got together to make. But, as a commercial release, a viewing audience is far less tolerant.

The pacing, mostly a result of really bad editing, barely gets past a crawl. Long, drawn out and repetitive shots abound, trying to make the most of the female eye candy on screen. All it succeeded in doing is boring me to death. Even with a bevy of quite attractive women, you need at least some acting chops to carry the story, as vapid as it is. Oh, here's a hint girls, acting angry does not mean you yell your lines unintelligibly straight at the camera...

Fight choreography was non-existent. The final battle was completely laughable, stealing beats from 'Avatar' in the lead up to it. A group of bikini clad women sporting cast off swords and shields from '300' up against a bunch of mercenary grunts three times their size and armed to the teeth just looked like a bad joke, one which the director unbelievably followed through with.

I would have given away the idea of watching it at all if I hadn't been laughing so hard. This is a film that will likely not even see the discount bins at any reputable store. Definitely one to avoid.

So the good points.

The cinematography is good great camera angles and well lit locations. the music/score is actually really good if a little cheesy in places but it's a lot better than most b movies.

That being said the script and acting render this film almost unwatchable.

the fight scenes are really clunky and awkward.

There doesn't seem to be a plot or reason to anything just a series of scene changes

There's some hot girls not wearing much but don't expect to much.

The Internet acronym LMFAO = Laughing my ****ing a**e off. What I did throughout most of whatever the hell this is.

On some sort of primitive Amazonian island, where the cut off inhabitants can still apparently have access to breast augmentation, tattoos, bikinis and metal weapons, a baby is found by an errant wanderer. Flash forward 18 years, and said kid has been raised in mainstream society. She can somehow beat up four blokes twice her size even while drunk, and is the victim of two tiresome montages featuring a couple of the worst songs I've ever heard.

Wait, it gets better. She's invited along on an army expedition on the same isle she was discovered on (this is just a coincidence, by the way) and en route, the helicopter crashes. Problem is... We never SEE the collision, just a flash of white light. Obviously a victim of the high-end budget. As the only survivor, she is swiftly abducted by the resident female warriors, where she is almost immediately recognised (don't ask how) as their missing child from almost two decades ago, and consequently made queen.

Why does she accept all this so quickly? Why is she ready to give up on her old life just like THAT? How do this band of ladies procreate with no men around? Believe me, this is NOT a film to be asking questions. By doing so, you're likely end up in a straitjacket... This truly is a movie where the concept ( a bunch of Playboy rejects bounce around in minimal clothing for just over an hour) seems to have originated long before the script.

But WHAT script? This crap could have been made up on the spot. And that goes for the music too, which seems to have been put together by tone death monkeys on kazoos. The attempts at drama are so beyond parody, it's amazing the camera doesn't shake with laughter from the director at the pathetic pouting they call performing. In fact, I'm surprised ANYONE involved in the... Thing... could keep a straight face. Perhaps they were all on something, at the time of production (actually, that would explain a LOT).

I end with talking about the final 'battle', an exercise in such dismal amateurishness that it had me in absolute hysterics. These bimbettes take on a small army of trained soldiers in their swimsuits, in what must be the most horribly choreographed fight scene I've watched. The weapons NEVER make contact. A small tap sends a 6ft tall bloke hurtling through the air. We don't see anyone die... And yet, there are graves galore at the end.

If I handed out points for unintentional hilarity, this would comfortably be the best comedy I've seen this year. Alas, I do not. 0/10

For one, it's not the fact that the main character played by "Cali Danger" beats up 3-guys larger than her at the beginning that I found unbelievable. 3-soldiers attacked this gorgeous woman in an alleyway, this, I took issue with.

Any person can win any fight. One's ability in battle has nothing to do with what's in your pants. Someday, everyone will realize this. But no soldier, let alone 3 would attack an unarmed drunken woman in an alleyway to fistfight her, rape her--possible and unfortunate, still believable! The rest of the movie plays off that first scene, ('tough women' fight). Only, it's with model-looking jungle girls and the main one.

If you can get over the factor mentioned above, you might like this film, despite the b-movie-rate acting (which I enjoy for laughs).

If you think women are inferior in battle, I disagree with you and know you're wrong, but you also won't like this movie at all.

I'm rating the trailer. I've never seen this movie, and expert importers can't find any trace of it. Being RavenGlamDVDCollector@gmail here at ElectricLadyLand, I am of course interested in it. I Googled AMAZONIA and found the trailer, and was, of course, mesmerized by all these young actresses clearly-heading-for-the- red-carpets of Oscar night after this gloriously green jungle has been so tantalizingly decorated with their tanned, lithe, curvy, half- naked bodies, slurp, yummy, (drool). Sigh. Emphasis on the sigh.

My quest for this one differs from almost all the rest. This is a 2012 item and therefore still relatively new. Somewhere there must be people who would make a bundle out of a proper DVD release. I am not sure if such a release ever took place. Kindly inform me, fellow perverts!

Hell, as long as there are girls running around looking like SHEENA, I'd be chasing after the DVD, and wincing about the bad acting/wasted plot line afterward. I'd have to go search on the Takealot and WantItAll sites again, but up till earlier this year, there was no luck.

Addendum, still 30 April. Writing this review brought me luck, as I found the DVD offered on WantItAll immediately after submitting my sorry-ass review that was just a way of scouting for assistance from IMDb. It is hellishly expensive being from WantItAll imported through Amazon, but that's how it is. Will get to it later and will then review it a whole lot better. All these guys dissing it though, they knew perfectly damn well what they were getting into. You don't expect Meryl Streep in these kind of movies, so don't complain afterward. I was surprised to learn here that there is no nudity involved though, and did find that particular review helpful, and voted as such. I'll let this bit of wreckage keep floating about as a monument to an almost year-long search. Earlier today when I saw that pic on the site, I figured that looks like a DVD release, and shouldn't have even bothered here, but let it stand. Ah, now if only the Mighty Dollar will come down a bit and make my purchase easier. Oh, I hear you Americans laughing gleefully...

And, oh yeah, a man is a fool. And girls make even bigger fools of us. But a lot of fun could be had. But sometimes, some men go too far while having fun by themselves in front of the screen (hinting now at darkly embarrassing sordid activities us menfolk are prone to), and then there's a bit of a messy accident, and they then don't own up to the fun they had, you just get sour reviews written a bit later... :)

Addendum, 11 January 2015. Finally watched it. Movie is quite disappointing. Had it lived up to its trailer, but no... It seems everything good about the flick Went into the trailer. You need nothing more! Or, okay, there was a total vision as a back-up dancer in the fireside scene. She has the lithest body on film! She looks like the wind in the willows! Wow! But no speaking part. Cast looks like Fox Force Fifteen. Cali Danger is somebody to watch. But the only actress in the movie was the little girl who got shot for all her trouble. The picture has no audience involvement, we do not care about the characters. But I suspected as much and knew what I was letting myself in for, but the real disappointment was that the glamor itself wasn't anything more than that already seen in the trailer.

To the reviewer from Alaska: It is also not explained why Inara is such a tough little bird. That punch in her stomach, that kick by one of the girls...