Arachnoquake

So, OK I've watched about a dozen of these Sy Fy, Asylum, low rent films in recent weeks because (well I hate myself) and it wasn't until I came to this one that I realised what is wrong with most of these films.

OK yes the effects are bad and the acting can be hit and miss, some of that comes down to the script. But what the main crime seems to be is that they're boring.

A film about giant fire breathing water walking flesh eating spiders who emerge from a crack in the earth caused by an earthquake shouldn't really be dull. It should at least be energetic enough that plot and reality don't matter.

What happens though is, as these films are made for TV they are made and written in 9-13 sections. They are disjointed because each section has to have something to keep the audience coming back, so an attack or bit of flesh every 10 minutes or so.

As a result the films are badly paced and the characters don't develop naturally, meaning you get massive contrast in attitude and pace because they're filling time until the next Ad break.

Id go a step further and suggest that the films aren't even written in one go, the 4 or 5 big scenes (the opening, first attack, heroes attack, finale etc) are written first in a way that 'works' and the rest is filled in, so you end up with often long dull exposition scenes explaining why the action that they need to happen next is about to happen.

You end up with lots of scenes of people driving saying "hey it must be because A,B and C so there fore we must now go and do X, Y and Z).. and then that happens.

There's nothing wrong with building your film to fit the broadcast format, in fact its sometimes better to factor in Advert when editing a TV movie like so many TV dramas do, but the problem is that filling in between the breaks has to be worth it, not just a semi cliff hanger.

Now I know I haven't mentioned the film specifically in this review very much and the reason is, it's THAT forgettable. I watched so many of these recently that they blend into one... I think the kid from Terminator was in this or maybe Malcom McDowell as he'll do anything... but other than that it was forgettable.... oh and throw in a hot blond in denim shorts Boring, forgettable and ignorable... they should start calling these films Slow Budget Movies

Another entry in the trash of SyFy flicks. I only gave it a shot because Edward Furlong was in it, you know, the young dude from Terminator 2 (1991). From the beginning the spiders are on-screen and that was rather okay because the action came in from the beginning. But on the other hand it looked ridiculous due the CGI used.

In the beginning the spiders are rather small and believable but once they are throwing fire (CGI) towards humans it becomes laughable. After that the spiders become bigger and bigger and it all ends with a King Kong situation.

The story if there was any was stupid and the acting wasn't convincing at all. If you pop up a beer with friends then you will laugh a lot but further this doesn't give us anything at all.

Gore 0/5 Nudity 0/5 Effects 1/5 Story 1/5 Comedy 0/5

Arachnoquake (2012)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

The latest film to debut on the SyFy channel has New Orleans being hit by an earthquake, which causes the ground to crack open and soon large, pink spiders are attacking people. Those expecting a fun monster mash are going to be disappointed because this film is pretty bad from the word go and it never picks up any speed. You know, I understand that horror films need dumb characters to do dumb things but there's a certain line you shouldn't cross in terms of dumbness and this film crosses that line and makes it's own new line. I really couldn't believe how stupid all of these characters were. So, you see a giant pink spider coming at you so what do you do? Well, of course, you pick it up. There are six or seven small spiders about the size of a baseball card coming after you so what do you do? Step on them? You'd think so but the characters here just jump around like little children. The entire film pretty much doesn't have an ounce of brains going for it and this doesn't cause any "fun" but instead it makes you grow more and more aggravated because the characters just become annoying. Tracey Gold gives a decent performance here and it's a shame her character wasn't a lead. Edward Furlong from T2 fame is on hand here playing the father (!?!?) of two teenagers. He really doesn't give a "good" performance but it was fun seeing him again. ARACHNOQUAKE is pure dumbness from start to finish but there are a few good moments with most of them being the bubble, explosion and gore that happens when a spider starts to come out of a human body. It's a shame that the director and writer didn't exploit this a little bit more and given fans more bang for their buck. The CGI effects are obviously very cheap but I thought the design of the spiders were nice. Still, this is certainly a film that can be skipped as there are much better killer spider movies out there.

This is a horrible movie but it can be horribly fun if you watch it with friends, and you just make jokes and laugh about how stupid the movie is, which I'm pretty sure is exactly what the intention of the film's producers was.

Basically this movie is about a huge earthquake which somehow opens up a sinkhole in the earth but it also simultaneously somehow awakens a colony of ancient and incredibly dangerous, deadly poisonous and aggressive spiders.

That really sums it up. The story doesn't really have any surprises and all the shocks and scares you will see coming a mile away. But there are a lot of fun moments and so bad they're funny death scenes. Pretty much every possible way you could picture spiders killing someone is covered in this movie.

Stupid, mindless fun.

Arachnoquake is good for a SyFy movie but that's not saying much. The acting is atrocious by all and Edward Furlong was probably the worst, the storyline is nonexistent, and the spiders look like they were designed and created by a 6 year old.

It receives 3 stars because a couple of lines and moments gave me a good laugh (I don't know if it was intended or not) and the sister was super sexy so she gave me something to look at when the other actors were spewing out one garbage line after another.

After saying all that, Arachnoquake is still one of the better SyFy movies I've seen recently which is saying something for how awful these movies can be.